Chapter One: Upbringing
The Noble Prophet (s) said:
“Respect your children and treat them with good manners.”
The Importance of Upbringing
From the time a child is born until he separates from the family to establish a shared life with others, he passes through two phases in his upbringing.
1. Childhood, from birth until the age of seven, is the time when the child is not well prepared for direct instruction as he does not know his world.
2. From the age of seven to the age of fourteen is the time when the intellect grows gradually, in preparation for intellectual activities. In this stage the child can learn and be instructed.
In the first period, instruction has to be indirect without commands and psychological pressure. Rather, the child becomes familiar with good manners and is instructed by the people surrounding him. In fact, the moral foundation of his character is laid and good memories and proper treatment become etched in his mind.
In the second phase, the child should not be left free to behave and do as he pleases and his faults should not be ignored. Rather, his ill manner should be discouraged and he should be taught order and discipline, while emphasizing the proper use of time and he should be encouraged to perform religious worship and do good things.
Unfortunately, most people do not know when to begin to train their children. Some parents believe that instruction should begin after the age of six and some say that instruction should begin at the age of three.
Nevertheless, such beliefs are incorrect because when a child has completed the third year of his life, 75% of good and bad characteristics have already become formed in him.
A number of psychologists believe that the training of a child begins from the moment of birth. However, some others are cautious and say that the training of a child begins on the first day of the second month after his birth. In depth practical research at the University of Chicago has reached the conclusion that:
“Any healthy child gains 50% of his intelligence by the age of four, 30% by the age of 8 and 20% by the age of 17. Then, any 4-year old child has 50% intelligence and the changes between the ages of 2 and 3 are far more important than the changes between the ages of 8 and 9.”
How to Begin the Child’s Upbringing and Instruction
For training to be effective, one has to begin much sooner than is generally thought nowadays, i.e. from the very first weeks after birth. First, one has to consider the physiological issues and from the first year, the psychological issues.
One point to consider is that the value of time is not the same for a child as for an adult. One day at the age of 1 is much longer than the same period of time at the age of 30 and it perhaps includes six times the physiological and psychological occurrences. Therefore, one should not leave such a fruitful period of childhood unused, for in the first six years of life, the outcome of the performance of the rules of life is more definitive.
It is because of this that Imam ‘Ali said, “He who does not learn in childhood, cannot progress in adulthood.”
Therefore, childhood is the best time for learning the right way of living because the child is very apt to imitate, adopt and learn. At this time, the child records in himself all the movement, speech and behavior of the people surrounding him, with the utmost care, as if recorded on film.
Therefore, the child’s psyche needs to be guided to the right path simultaneously with his physical growth and development because it becomes very difficult at the adult stage to change the character of one who was not properly instructed in childhood.
The happiest people are those who have been reared in a correct and healthy manner from the very beginning and who have adopted good characteristics.
According to some psychologists, a child is like a sapling that the gardener can easily change according to his own plans. Yet, correcting those who are like old trees and have grown accustomed to bad ways, is very difficult indeed. One who intends to change the attitudes of such individuals must endure many hardships
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The Prophet as an Example for the People
God says in the Qur’an,
“You have had a good example in God’s Messenger.”
The Prophet of Islam has been the greatest example for humanity throughout history because, in addition to teaching and guiding the people with his words, he instructed them with his personal behavior.
The Prophet’s personality is not an example for a specific period, generation, nation, religion or place. Rather, he is a lasting global symbol for all peoples of all times.
With reference to reliable evidence and documents, the Prophet’s attitude towards and behavior with respect to children and youth shall now be considered.
Respecting the Child’s Personality
In today’s world, children are considered to be very important. Full attention is given by societies and governments to their upbringing and respecting their personality in the family and the society. In spite of this, people today do not pay as much attention to children’s instruction as the Leader of the Muslims did.
Although sometimes statesmen in industrialized countries visit orphanages and kindergartens, sometimes hugging children for photo ops and media publicity, demonstrating their love and respect for children, to date no individual can be compared with the Prophet of Islam. With the utmost simplicity and kindness, he passed through the alleys and streets, expressing his love and kindness towards children and hugging them. The Prophet had a special love of children, whether they were his own children or those of others. It has been written about him: “Kindness towards children was one of the special practices of the Prophet.”
This same practice was continued by Shi‘ite religious leaders and Imams. They respected children’s personalities. Some examples have been provided below.
1. Asking Children’s Views
Imam ‘Ali asked his children intellectual questions in the presence of others and in some cases, he would let his children answer the questions of others.
Once Imam ‘Ali asked his children, Imam Hasan and Imam Husain some questions. The latter responded wisely and briefly. Then Imam ‘Ali turned to someone known as Harith A‘war, who was present in the gathering and said: “Teach these wise words to your children to improve their reasoning and thinking abilities.”
Thus Imam ‘Ali expressed his respect for his children in the best possible way and contributed to the creation of the greatest personality and independence in them.
2. Sociability
One of the most basic factors in the development of a child’s personality is sociability and proper treatment. Prophet Muhammad clearly advised his followers concerning this. He told them: “Respect your children and treat them with good manners and in an acceptable way.”
Therefore, those who want to have children with a strong personality must guide them with good training and avoid treating them improperly as an improper practice cannot lead to the upbringing of worthy children who have a strong personality.
3. Fulfillment of Promises
Fulfillment of promises towards children contributes to the development of their self-confidence and affects their personality. The true leaders of Islam have given much advice about the fulfillment of promises to children. Some examples are as follows:
Imam ‘Ali said: “It is not appropriate to tell lies, whether seriously or jokingly. It is not appropriate to make a promise to one’s children and fail to fulfill it.”
Imam ‘Ali also said: “The Prophet said, ‘If any of you makes a promise to his child, he must fulfill it.”
Numerous sayings have been recounted in Shi‘ite sources from the Shi‘ite Imams about the necessity of parents, fulfilling their promises.
4. Familiarizing the Child with the Difficulties of Life
One of the ways to strengthen a child’s personality, especially in the case of boys, is to familiarize them with the difficulties of life so as to prepare them for the future; children must understand in practice that one has to work hard to obtain anything. If a child is not familiar with the problems and difficulties of life, when he does face difficulties, he will become easily frustrated. This has been discussed in the sayings of religious leaders as well.
Imam Musa ibnJa‘far
has said, “It is better for a child to become familiarized with the unavoidable difficulties of life, which are the toll of life, during childhood so that he can be patient during youth and adulthood.
It must be remembered that familiarizing the child with the difficulties of life should not bother the child, i.e. the jobs given to him to do should not be beyond his capabilities. Therefore, the child’s abilities must be taken into consideration as well.
The Prophet reminded us of four points in this respect:
1. What the child has been able to do should be accepted.
2. The child should not be asked to perform difficult tasks beyond his abilities.
3. The child should not be persuaded to commit sins or be rebellious.
4. The child should not be told lies and silly things should not be done in front of him.
It has been narrated elsewhere that, “One day, when the Messenger of God was seven years old, he asked his nanny (HalimahSa‘diyah
): ‘Where are my brothers?’ (The Prophet lived in Halimah’s house and he called her sons as brothers.) She answered: “Dear child, they have gone to graze the sheep with which God has blessed us.’ The child responded: ‘O Mum, you did not treat me justly.’ ‘Why?’ she asked. ‘Is it right that I should stay in the shade of the tent and drink milk while my brothers are in the hot desert sun?’”
5. Appreciating What the Child Does
The Prophet himself practiced all that he advised his followers concerning the upbringing of children and respecting their personality. One of the things he often did was to give a high value to actions performed by children.
‘Amr ibn Harith has been quoted as saying: “The Prophet passed by ‘Abdullah ibnJa‘far
ibn Abu Ṭalib, while the latter was a little child. The Prophet thus prayed for him, ‘O God, bless him in his dealings and commerce.’”
6. Rising in the Presence of Children
In order to show respect to his own children, the Prophet would either lengthen his prostration during prayer or would end the prayer quickly (depending on the circumstances). In all occasions he respected children and he would teach the people in practical terms how to train the personalities of their children.
One day, Imam Hasan and Imam Husayn arrived while the Prophet was sitting. The Prophet rose to show respect to them and waited for them. As they were little children and weak, this took some time. The Prophet went towards them to welcome them. He opened his arms, took them both, put them on his shoulders and walked, while saying, “What a good ride you are having and what good riders you are!”
The Prophet would also stand in the presence of his daughter, Fatimah Zahra.
7. Foresight for Children
One day Imam Mujtaba called his children and his nephews and said to them, “You are the children of the society. It is hoped that in the future you will be great members of the society and that you will strive to acquire knowledge. Any of you, who cannot memorize scholarly material, should write it down, keep the written material at home and refer to it whenever necessary.
As you see, Imam Mujtaba thought of the future of children and familiarized parents with this reality. It was reported that:
“A man from among the Helpers died. He had a small amount of capital which he had lost towards the end of his life in worship and in seeking God’s pleasure. On the same day he died, his children were forced to ask the people for help. This story was told to the Prophet. He asked, ‘What did you do with his body?’ They replied: ‘We buried it.’ ‘If I knew this earlier,’ said the Prophet, ‘I would not have allowed you bury him in the Muslim cemetery, because he lost his wealth and properties and left his children to beg among the people.’”
8. Teaching Religious Edicts
If children practice praying and other acts of worship, these activities will have a bright effect on their internal characters. Although a child may not understand the meaning of the words and sentences in the prayer for example, he will no doubt begin to understand the need to focus attention on God and this will enable him to have a close relationship with God, experience peace of mind in times of hardship and obtain His infinite mercy and support. God says:
“Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts findrest.
”
In order to bring up pious, God-fearing children, there needs to be harmony between their bodies and their souls. To this end, Islam has obligated parents to draw the attention of their children to God and to teach them to worship Him and the knowledge of religious precepts. Islam has ordered parents to make their children pray.
Mu‘awiah ibn Wahab asked Imam Sadiq, “At what age should we make children pray?” “Between the ages of six to seven years, make them pray.” Imam said.
The Prophet is quoted as saying, “Make your children pray at the age of seven.”
In another narration about parental duties with respect to children’s faith, Imam Baqir is quoted as saying, “At the age of three, teach the child the words of monotheism, i.e. La ilaha ill-Allah. At the age of four, teach the child to say Muhammad rasul Allah (Muhammad is God’s Prophet). At the age of five, make him face the kiblah and order him to prostrate before God. At the age of six, make him bow before God and teach him the right method of prostration. At the age of seven, tell the child to wash his hands and face (ablution) and pray.”
Parents and instructors should be aware that religion is of the greatest help to them because faith is like a burning torch that lights up the way and awakens the conscience. It can easily show the right path wherever there is deviation.
Effects of Instructing the Child in the Right Way
Properly instructing children can enable them to have independence of will and self-confidence and respecting them gives them a strong personality and the awareness of their true value and when they grow up, they are less likely to experience humiliation. According to Islamic sayings, “The child and his heart are like a land with no seeds or plants. Whatever seed one casts therein, it will take root.
For example, the character of Imam ‘Ali blossomed as a result of being instructed by the Prophet. Although Imam ‘Ali was not a normal child physically or psychologically, and he had special merits in himself, yet one should not ignore the special care that the Prophet took of him.
An effect of proper instruction of a child is that he will be brave. This can well be seen in the case of Imam Husayn.
Ibn Shahab says, “On a Friday, the second Muslim caliph was at the pulpit in the mosque. Imam Husayn, who was only a little child, entered the mosque and said, ‘O ‘Umar, come down from my grandfather’s pulpit!’ ‘Umar cried: ‘You have spoken the truth. This belongs to your grandfather. Wait nephew!’ Imam Husayn grasped ‘Umar’s clothes and tugged at them, saying, ‘Come down from my grandfather’s pulpit.’ ‘Umar was forced to stop his speech. He descended the pulpit and began praying. After the prayer, ‘Umar sent someone to fetch Imam Husayn. When he arrived, ‘Umar asked him, ‘Nephew, who told you to do this to me?’ ‘No one.’ replied Imam Husayn. Imam Husayn repeated this three times even though he had not yet come of age.”
It has been quoted about Imam Jawad, that after Imam Ridha passed away, Ma‘mun, the Caliph at the time, came to Baghdad. One day, he went hunting. On his way, he reached a place where some children were playing. Imam Jawad, Imam Ridha’s son, who was 11 years old at that time, was among the children. When Ma‘mun and his company arrived there, all the children ran away except Imam Jawad. When the Caliph approached, he looked at him and was strongly attracted to his appearance. He stopped and asked, “Why didn’t you run away along with the other children?”
Imam Jawad responded immediately, “O Caliph of the Muslims, the way was not so narrow that I should widen it for the Caliph to pass by running off. I haven’t done anything wrong that I should try to run away. I am optimistic about the Caliph and think that he will not harm the innocent. This was the reason why I did not leave.” Ma‘mun was surprised by his logical reply and his attractive appearance and asked, “What is your name?” “Muhammad,” he answered. “Whose son are you?” Ma‘mun asked. He replied, “‘Ali ibn Musa ar-Ridha.”
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Author: Muhammad Ali Chenarani
