Alhassanain(p) Network for Heritage and Islamic Thought

47) STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS

Telling lies is a very abhorrent habit and is one of the major sins. All the races of the world condemn lying. The persons who lie are looked down upon. A person known to be a liar has no confidence or respect of his compatriots. A noble and good person never tells lies. Islam has categorically condemned this bad habit.

Imam Mohammed Baqir says:

“Lies are the cause of faithlessness.”[143]

Hazrat Ja'far Sadiq says:

“Hazrat Isa said that who lies repeatedly will not be respected.”[144]

Hazrat Ali has said:

“There is no action more inferior than telling lies.”[145]

All the prophets of Allah and every reformer has invited people to say the truth... Truth is a natural instinct. Everyone likes the truth. Even a compulsive liar would always like to hear the truth. If a child is left to his own scruples, it is in his nature to tell the truth. It is the influence of the external factors that make a person adopt the habit of telling lies. A child is absolutely incapable of lying. In later life when he is exposed to circumstances that force him to lie, he might get into that bad habit. Any amount of sermonizing, reference of verses of the Quran and Traditions of the Infallibles may not have any effect on the person.

It is the duty of the parents that they ensure their children are truthful from childhood. They should carefully remove the causes of falsehood and inculcate truthfulness in their natures. They should not neglect to promote truthfulness in the children.

The parents who are interested in good upbringing of their children and feel their responsibility in this regard should consider the following facts:

First Fact:

The one thing that will have salutary effect on the child’s upbringing is the atmosphere in the family. The child grows in this environment. He learns good manners from the parents and others in the house. If the atmosphere in the house is one of truth and correctness, the parents and others are treating each other correctly, then the child will follow suit. To the contrary, if the atmosphere at home is one of falsehood, the parents lie to each other and the children; then the innocent children will pick up the same habits. The children whose ears get habituated to hearing lies uttered all around them, can never be expected to think in any other way. Some ignorant parents not only tell lies but also encourage their children too to tell lies for obtaining some momentary benefit. The father remaining at home tells his son to tell a visitor that he is not home. When a child misses school the parent asks him to tell the teacher that he was not well. Thus the habit of malingering is encouraged. There are hundreds of lies that are traded around the houses every day! Such parents are doing a grave injustice to their innocent and impressionable children. Telling lies is a sin and teaching children to lie is a greater sin!

Therefore, the parents who wish their children to be truthful have no other way than being truthful themselves. It is just leading by example!

Russell writes:

“If you wish that your children don’t get into lying habit, then the only method is to always tell the truth in their presence.”[146]

I wish Russell had said, “Adopt truthfulness in the presence of children as also with everyone else!” The child’s nature is affected with all falsehood, even if it is hidden.

Imam Sadiq says:

“Invite people to good without use of your tongue. People should see your piety, diligence, prayer and good deeds that are a role model for them.”[147]

Second Fact:

The child by nature does not lie. His natural instinct urges him to uphold the truth. He needs a very strong reason to tell a falsehood. If the parents get to the depth of the reason for the falsehood, and remove these reasons, the child will become truthful. One reason that makes a child lie is the fear of the parents admonishment. When you ask him if he had broken the windowpane, he would say, “No!” Remember, the reason for the child uttering a falsehood is his fear of the parents. Then he shifts the responsibility of the broken glass pane to some other person. If the parents are clever and thoughtful, the reason for the child telling lies will never be there. There can always the possibility that the window glass was broken unintentionally. Then there is no reason to reprimand the child. The parents need to tell the child softly to be more careful in the future.

In these circumstances the child doesn’t deserve to be reprimanded or beaten that it takes shelter behind lies. Even if he has broken the window- pane and is blatantly denying the act, severe punishment is not the solution to the problem. The child cannot be reformed through beating and punishment alone. Nor can there be any guarantee that the child will not commit similar acts again. The parents in such circumstances must bear in their minds that the child by nature is not aggressive. There is always an external reason for such behavior. Therefore, they must investigate the matter carefully to determine the actual reasons and cause for the act of destruction. When the cause for the breaking of the glass is determined, then there will not be motivation for the child perpetrating such an act again. Perhaps, the act of vandalism was a direct result of some insult caused to the child by some one. Perhaps, the child had not been receiving proper attention and he took out his spleen by causing damage to the window. It could be the reaction to some undeserved punishment the child had received from his parents. If the parents make efforts to remove the psychological complexes from the mind of the child, there is every possibility of setting him right. If such a breakthrough is achieved, there will not be any need for punitive action. The child will then refrain from destructive acts and there will nod be need to shout at him or beat him.

If you learn that your child has done something wrong, and you desire to guide him to the right path, then don’t interrogate him like a policeman. It is possible that to protect his ego the child might have recourse to lies. It is better in such circumstances not to interrogate him and say as, for instance, that he must return the book that he had borrowed from his friend. Tell him that it is not proper to keep other’s things for long. Return your friend’s book immediately with an apology.

Don’t threaten the child with a punishment that you are not intending to give. For example, don’t tell him that if he did such and such a thing, you would beat him, or you would hand him over to the police, or that you will send him out of the house. Also don’t tell him in your anger that you would not take him to the forthcoming dinner he had been eagerly looking forward to.. With such false threats you would be teaching the child to tell lies. You must convey to the child only such things that you really intend doing, and you think that they are right by him.

The parents who are strict with their children and expect from them much more than their capability, are perhaps pushing them more towards lying. For example, if the child is not good at studies and unmindful of this the parents insist on his coming first in the class, keep nagging him every day about his lessons and shout at him. Because the child has limited capability and with his best efforts he is unable to rise to the occasion. Since the child wants the goodwill of the parents, he may take shelter behind lies. Or he will make an excuse that at the time of the examination he suffered from a headache. Sometimes he would say that the teacher doesn't like him and has given him a poorer grade.

If the parents had properly assessed the capacity of the child, they wouldn’t have put him in the position of making false excuses.

There are parents who attribute any wrong act of their child to his companions at school or at play. Sometimes they even blame animals and plants for such things. For example: they might say that a cat or a rat has been responsible for that! These ignorant parents think that they are doing something good by their child not attributing an act to him that he has really committed. But there are two very pronounced disadvantages of this: firstly, they are encouraging the child to tell lies and secondly, the child will learn to shift the blame for his own acts on others.

If sometimes your children tell lies unintentionally, then explore the reasons thereof and search for a remedy. But this exploration should be done in a subtle way that the children don’t start feeling that an investigation is on against them.

48) KEEPING PROMISES

The human society cannot function without the institution of promises and assurances of their fulfillment. People make agreements and covenants with one another that goes to make families and clans. There will be agreements between cities that meld them together. People give great importance to these covenants because they are the basis of their collective lives. Keeping promises is an important aspect of human life and every person considers it very bad to do anything in infringement of a promise. Every person who enters into a covenant with another expects that the terms of the contract will be adhered to implicitly. Whichever groups abide by the terms of their covenant will be termed as well-organized units. The reason for their well-being is that they will have trust on one another without any reason for conflict. The lives of their people will be successful and contented. To the contrary the people of an area that doesn’t abide by its covenants with others will suffer from a feeling of uncertainty and unrest. They will be victims of perpetual conflict. Every individual or society who respect the agreements made with others will have the respect and confidence of others. Those who break their covenants will be abhorred and looked down upon by the others. Islam is a religion of nature that lays great stress on fulfillment of promises.

Allah says in the Holy Quran:

“Fulfill your promises that you will be questioned about them. 16:24”

At another place in the Quran it is said:

“The sign of successful Momineen (Muslims) is that they discharge their trusts and keep their promises. 23:8”

The Prophet of Islam said:

“The person who has no covenant has no faith”[148]

“Whoever has faith in Allah and the Day of Reckoning, should fulfill his promises.”[149]

Hazrat Ali has said to Malik Ashtar:

“Breaking promises makes others unhappy as also Allah will be unhappy.”[150]

Hazrat Ali says:

“Where you cannot keep your promise, don’t make one. Where you cannot discharge a guarantee, don’t give one.”[151]

To perpetuate the habit of keeping promises and abiding by covenants in the society, it is imperative to train the people from their very childhood to be true to their word. This training starts with the childhood in the environment of the family. The child emulates the actions and words of the parents. The parents can set an example for the children. By nature, the child expects that promises will be kept. When the parents fulfill their small promises the child gets trained in this important aspect of life. But if they take their small promises lightly and neglect them, the child takes the negative example and develops the habit of breaking his word. They start believing that promises are made to be broken.

If the parents make false promises to momentarily calm the child, they are inadvertently training the child to make false promises Can such children grow into respectable individuals? To quieten the child the mother promises to buy him sweets, ice cream., toys etc Sometimes she makes these promises to make him take the bitter medicine or to get him vaccinated. She frightens him by saying that if he did a certain thing, she would send him to the police, report him to his Dad or deny him new dress for the festival. If you consider the lives of the people around you, or your own life, there will be innumerable instances of such false promises and threats made to the innocent children. Do the parents ever imagine what impact they are making on the impressionable minds of the children? This injustice is perpetrated on the innocent children quite innocuously!

The ignorant parents don’t know that they are sinning by making false promises and also they are training the child to follow in their footsteps..

This is the reason Islam requires the parents to keep the promises that they make with their children. The Prophet of Islam has said:

“Love the children. Treat them with kindness and if you make a promise to them, fulfill it without fail. The children think that you are the provider of sustenance for them.”[152]

Hazrat Ali says:

“Whenever you make a promise to the children, definitely keep it.”[153]

49) OWNERSHIP

Love for the mother is a part of human nature. Man wants to own the things that he needs. He thinks he is the master of these things. He also expects others to respect his sentiment about his belongings. This instinct of ownership in the human nature cannot be completely obliterated. Whichever way it is curbed, it will rise again. Ownership, although a notional phenomenon, is such a phenomenon that has assumed the garb of reality. Without the sense of ownership the running of human life seems impossible. From the time a child starts recognizing himself, he identifies his needs, he instinctively thinks that he owns them.

When a child gets a thing lying on the floor, or takes it from someone else’s hands, he thinks that it belongs to him. He will not readily part with it. He knows that he is the owner of his clothes, shoes, toys and other things. He doesn’t like others handling these things.

You must have noticed that children love their toys, however bad shape might they be in. They protect them and even fight for them. They have pride of ownership in their natures. If someone rises to protect his rights, he should not be counted as evil. Sense of ownership is not a negative instinct. The parents must accept the child’s natural instinct.

It often happens that the children trespass over the ownership of other children and try to usurp the toys of other children. The parents should prevent such acts. If an older child bullies the smaller ones, the parents must intervene in a just manner. They must be convinced that they should not take away the toys of younger siblings by force. If the attitude continues even after this, the child must be strictly warned to behave. The human needs are ever growing. If some control is not asserted on them, the needs might surpass the means. They can also become the cause of destruction of the person.

The concept of ownership is for fulfilling the legitimate needs of persons. Work is deemed essential for achieving ownership. Love for wealth in legitimate limits is considered good. But if it exceeds certain limits, it can come under the category of avarice and parsimony. There are lots of people who can be termed mammon worshippers. They keep running after wealth tirelessly. They even compromise their rest, self- respect and honour in this futile search for wealth. It is a type of madness. They only want to create hordes of wealth that are useful neither to them nor to others. .These persons cannot be termed wise.

Therefore, the parents should encourage the sense of ownership in the child and also teach him to be contented with what he can acquire legitimately. He should have toys, but not too many of them. The toys should be sufficient to play and learn and not too many to create a hoard... If the child has too many new toys that are lying in the shelf, the parents should better give some to other children. But this should be done discreetly by telling the child that he has many toys and the other child has none. If he gave him some, he will be happy. You will also be pleasing your parents and Allah too. The child will then be happy in parting with some of his toys. The child wants to please his parents. This instinct encourages him to listen to them and part with some of his possessions. This way the habit of sharing things is cultivated in the child. Sometimes the parents can encourage the child to lend his toys to other children for playing and return. This way the spirit of co-operation and sharing can be cultivated in the child.

In a nutshell the parents should keep in mind that there is moderation in all aspects of upbringing of the child. They should promote the sense of ownership in the child and see that it does not exceed certain limits. They must ensure that the child does not become a blind lover of wealth in his future life.

50) MAGNANIMITY

Generosity and magnanimity are excellent traits in a person. A magnanimous person strives hard to acquire wealth, but he will not have excessive attachment to riches. He wants wealth, but to share it with others. He doesn’t believe in hoarding wealth. He spends his life with his family and wholeheartedly participates in the welfare activities of the community. He helps the deprived and the needy. He makes the right use of his wealth.

A parsimonious person hoards wealth. He neither spends it on himself nor gives a helping hand to the needy. Such a person will be amassing wealth for the posterity.

Islam has condemned miserliness and praised generosity in very clear terms.

The Prophet of Islam says:

“Generosity is a part of Iman (the Faith) and the Iman shall take one to the Heaven.”[154]

The Prophet has also said:

“Generosity is such a tree in the Heaven the branches of which have reached the Earth. Whosoever caught hold of one of the branches, he will reach the Heaven.”[155]

The Prophet says:

“The Heaven is the home of the generous people.”[156]

He also said:

“Allah is Munificent and Generous and likes generosity in men.”[157]

The Prophet of Islam said:

“It is not proper for the momin (the pious) to be miserly and cowardly.”[158]

Generosity and magnanimity attract hearts and affections. People like a generous person and respect him. With generosity and magnanimity hearts can be subdued.

The Prophet of Islam says:

“A generous person is closer to Allah’s creations and the Heaven. He is away from the Hell. The miserly person is away from Allah, His creations (the men) and the Heaven. But he is closer to the Hell Fire.”[159]

A miserly person doesn’t pay the legitimate rights. He therefore becomes eligible of the Retribution on the Day of Reckoning. .Generosity makes a person acceptable here and also in the Hereafter. The quality of generosity is instinctive as are the other virtues of men. But the parents have to nourish these qualities in their children. It is true that every child is born with his own individual nature, but some natures readily accept to become generous and others tend towards miserliness. The parents training and upbringing can have important effect on the molding of the natures of the children. They can influence the child in curbing the miserly tendencies to a greater extent and encourage him to be more generous.

The thing that has the maximum effect on the child’s progress is the character of the parents. The parents are always the role models for the children. If the parents are generous in spending on good causes, the children too will try to emulate them. In stages this habit of generosity takes root in the nature of the children. If, to the contrary, the parents are miserly, the children too will mould themselves on the same pattern. Habits go a long way in molding characters.

Hazrat Ali says:

“Train your self to be generous, select the best of virtues and these virtues will become your habit.”[160]

“Generosity is amongst good habits.”[161]

Imam Ja’far Sadiq said:

“To be a sinner it is sufficient for a person to spend nothing for his family and deprive them.”[162]

Parents can make use of the following guidelines for cultivating the habits of generosity and magnanimity in their children:

(1) Encourage the child to give a part of the things he has to the parents and his other siblings. The child must be suitably praised for the generous act and thanked. .In the beginning the child may be reluctant to part with his possession, but, by and by, he will get into the habit of being generous. When the child is reluctant for this experiment, he should not be forced into giving. This might make the child stubborn.

(2) Sometimes encourage the child to allow other children to play with his toys. The child should also be encouraged to share his sweets and chocolates with other children. When he does it, give him a pat on his back.

(3) Sometimes encourage him to give a part of his pocket money to the poor and the needy. Or ask him to spend some money for any good cause. If this becomes a habit, it would have a salutary effect on the character of the child as he grows up.

(4) Ask the child to invite his friends home for a meal and see that he entertains them with care.

(5) The parents can give some money to the child everyday to be given as alms or for some good cause.

(6) Discuss with the child the difficulties and hardships of poor people. If possible take him along with you to the hospital, the orphanage and the home for the poor and aged. In his presence help some needy persons.

This way the child can be initiated into the habit of generosity. We, however, cannot claim that this method will work on all the children. The parents should make their best efforts and the success can differ from child to child. Every individual has his own nature and the capacity to accept change. For the children their habits also come as a genetic factor inherited from generation to generation. But careful breeding can definitely have some good effect.

A lady writes in a letter thus:

“At a pleasant place we had an orchard. Different varieties of fruits used to grow there in abundance. My Mom and Granny used to send some fruits to the needy. They were particularly generous to such of those needy persons who were serving our family. They used to entrust this task to me. From the age of six or seven years I got into the habit of doing this work. In the village there were families of two blind persons. My heart used to feel much for them. Every day when I visited them, I used to catch their hands, bring them out for some fresh air and take them back to their homes. .I used to bring fresh water for them from the lake. These blind men used to bless me and pray for me. When I told my Mom and Dad about this, they were very pleased. My mom said, one who has become blind is really deserving of all help.

My parents always used to encourage me for doing good deeds. I used to save from my pocket money and give to the needy. Slowly I got habituated of doing this. I am now a member of a social help organization that is taking care of fourteen needy families.

My children too have taken good effect from my attitude. One day a child said, 'Give me some money every morning.’ I asked him, ‘Why?’ he said, ‘I shall save this money’ I give him the money regularly and remind him not to waste it. After some days he came to me with his treasure-trove. He had forty- eight coins in that. He said, ‘Mom! If you permit me, I shall give the money to a blind person. He lives on the way to our school.’ I was very pleased with the child and I kissed and hugged him.”

51) A HELPING HAND IN GOOD WORK

Certain tasks that are big and important cannot be accomplished single-handed. But if there is some help available, the same job is done with ease. If man keeps working alone he will fall behind in doing many tasks. It seldom happens that a single person starts and runs an organization for social welfare. An individual cannot run a hospital, school, mosque, orphanage, library etc without having others to help him.. In fact, a person cannot even manage the administration of any such organization individually. But with others’ help and co-operation the work can be accomplished to perfection. Any nation where the population has the spirit of mutual help and co-operation will be a prosperous nation.

In this respect Islam is a complete congregational system that invites people to come together for common good. The Holy Quran says:

“Help ye (one another) in righteousness and piety, and help ye not (one another) in sin and aggression. 5:4”

Hazrat Ali says:

“Cooperating to withhold the truth is fidelity and probity.”[163]

The spirit of co-operation and camaraderie takes root from childhood only. Luckily human beings have gregarious nature by birth. But there is always the need to utilize this instinct to advantage. The parents who are keen to give good upbringing to their children encourage the instinct of fellowship in them and provide to them toys and games that need group participation. They can give them toys that need assembling by more than one child. They can encourage them to have a jointly save their money for use for a good cause with guidance from the parents. With this collective saving they can buy fruits and sweets to distribute to the sickly, poor and needy. The parents can add some money to this amount and also help them to buy and distribute the fruits etc. They can also give the savings periodically to some welfare organization. They may also give the money to some public library to help buy new books. The parents can also encourage the children to form a small committee and initiate some welfare activity by themselves.

If the parents are members of a welfare organization, they should initiate the children too to the activity. They can give some money to the child to personally contribute to the fund of the organization and make him a regular member.

52) HUMANENESS AND CHILDREN

All are Gods creations. All humans are the off springs of the same first parents-Adam and Eve (Hawwa). In fact all men belong to the same large family. Allah has created them and He likes them. He has assured sustenance to everyone. Allah only has endowed them with all their necessities in the world. He has given them control over the manipulation and use of these things. He has given them wisdom and strength to gainfully utilize the things around them to their advantage. Allah has provided them the opportunities to raise their spirits to reach perfection in piety and earn rewards in the Hereafter. He provided the means of guidance in the forms of Prophets from time to time. He has ordained (Mansoos) the Imams and then there are the religious guides, the Mujtahids and Marjahs. All this because Allah loves men and He is extremely Munificent. He wants men to be kind to one another and strive for the general welfare. He wants men to assist each other both in fair weather and during calamitous conditions. Those who have welfare of other human beings in their thoughts and actions are the chosen people of Allah. They shall have plenty of rewards in the Hereafter. Islam, a gregarious Faith, has given particular emphasis to the need for service to humanity.

The Prophet of Islam has said:

“All men eat the food provided by Allah. Therefore from men the dearest to Allah are those who give sustenance to other men and please some families.”[164]

Imam Ja’far Sadiq says:

“Allah says that people eat the food given by Me. Such of those men are dear to me who are kind to the other humans and strive hard to help them in the time of need.”[165]

Someone asked the Prophet: “Who is the dearest to Allah among men?” The Prophet replied: “One who is most beneficial to other fellow-men.”[166]

The Prophet of Islam has said:

“After the Faith, the wisest act for a person is the love and care of the other human beings, be they good or otherwise.”[167]

“One who is not concerned with the good of the Muslims is not a Muslim.”[168]

Imam Ja’far Sadiq says:

“Allah’s preferred men are those who are approached by men in need of help. These preferred men of Allah will be in the Care of Allah on the Day of Judgement.”[169]

The Prophet of Islam said:

“Allah is Kind on His men and likes those men who are kind to their fellow men.”[170]

There are hundreds of such traditions of the Prophet and the Imams that are spread over many compendiums of the sayings of these Infallible Persons. .

The Prophet has seen the Islamic society as a single unit and has asked the followers of the Faith to work for the common good. Islam is a Gregarious Faith and considers the welfare of individuals as the welfare of the society. It fights against all kinds of selfishness. A true Muslim can never be selfish and will never overlook the rights of others in the society.

Friendship for other human beings is a superior quality and it is imbued in the nature of every individual. But with proper training this quality can be made manifest. Sometimes it may happen that this wonderful quality might totally disappear from the nature of some individuals. This is like other inherent instincts in all human being which start manifesting during early childhood in their rudiments and if they are not properly nourished, they might become dormant or totally recede into the recesses of the individual’s mind. It is the responsibility of the parents to make their children friendly to human beings and generous. If the parents themselves are generous to others and the children see the shades of generosity in their words and actions, they can naturally follow suit.

The responsible and informed parents sometimes describe the plight of the needy people, the poor, the handicapped and old, in the presence of their children. If possible they take out the children to meet these people. They tell the children that these are the deprived people and are in need of support and help. They provide help to such people in the presence of the children to set a good example for them to emulate when they grow up and are capable of helping others. The parents sometimes describe to the children the unfair tyranny heaped by some people on hapless persons and also the pathetic condition of the unfortunate sufferers. They also talk to their children about the unfortunate orphans who don’t have parents to look after them and they deserve full support from others in the society. They take their children to the orphanage to meet these kids and sometimes invite some of them to their home. All this goes a long way in making the children realize their responsibility to help and assist the needy in the society.

53) JUSTICE & EQUALITY

A family consisting of a few members is like a small society and the parents manage the affairs of this small habitation. As running a country is not possible without justice and equality, so is the management of a household not possible without these concomitant factors; namely Justice and equality for all. Selflessness, love, affection and unity is possible only in an environment of justice and equality. The children will get proper upbringing in this atmosphere. The inherent traits of the children will find expression and they will learn to be just and fair from the example set to them by their parents. If the parents are ignorant of the need for justice and fair play, so will be their children.

Imam Ja’far Sadiq says:

“As pure and cool water is craved for by a thirsty person, so do people desire to have justice and equality and their taste is sweeter and better for them. There is nothing better than justice.”[171]

“Three types of persons will be closer to Allah on the Day of Reckoning:

First: Those who are not cruel to their subordinates in times of anger.

Second: Those who go to mediate between two litigants, but don’t do anything against the requirement of justice.

Third: Those who always uphold the truth, even if they come to personal harm by doing so.”[172]

Allah says in the Holy Quran:

“Allah orders for Justice and Fairness. 16:90”

Just and equitable parents treat all their children equally. They don’t show particular preference for any particular child. Be it a son or a daughter, pretty or not so pretty, capable or mediocre; the parents have the same feelings of love and affection for all of them. They give equitable treatment to all their children

The Prophet of Islam has said:

“Keep justice for all your children in your mind even when some of them are away. If you desire treatment of love, kindness and justice from your children, then give them similar treatment.”[173]

The Prophet noticed that a person was more attached to one son than to the other. He told him:

“Who don’t you keep the need for justice and equality of treatment in mind?”[174]

One person was sitting in the company of the Prophet when his son arrived. The person kissed the boy and made him sit on his lap. After a while the person’s daughter came there and the person made her sit in front of him. Then the Prophet told the person:

“Why didn’t you keep in your consideration the need for justice and equality between your children?”[175]

Hazrat Ali says:

“Delivering justice and equality to people is the best of politics.”[176]

One woman came to the presence of the Prophet’s wife, Ayesha, with her two little children. Hazrat Ayesha gave her three dates. The mother gave one each to the two children and then equally divided the third date and gave one to each of them. When the Prophet returned home, Hazrat Ayesha narrated the incident to him.

The Prophet said:

“Why are you surprised at the action of that woman?! For keeping justice and equality in view Allah will give her a place in the Heaven!”[177]

If the parents treat their children unjustly in a partial manner they will create a very harmful impression on them.

The children will take after the unjust attitude of the parents and behave the same way with others. With time this attitude will become a part of their natures.

The children who had been the victims of injustice from their parents will carry rancor for them in their minds It is possible they turn rebellious and disobedient.

With treatment of injustice and partiality there is chance of jealousy and enmity springing up between brothers and sisters and it might go to the limit of sometimes harming each other.

The children who have received unjust treatment at the hands of their parents will have feelings of dejection and oppression that will get engraved in their minds… It is quite possible that later on they develop psychic disorders…

The parents will be responsible for all the consequences of their partial and unjust treatment meted out to their children.

But the parents, in all fairness, give equitable treatment to all their children. At different ages the children will have differing requirements. Because they are born at different times and are of different sexes, they may not have similar requirements all the time. The law of justice and equality too is not rigid about equal treatment in such differing circumstances. Will it be right to lift the elder child in your lap like you do to a babe in the cradle? Similarly, will it be right to give the same amount of pocket money to a child of three years as is given to his sibling who is eighteen years old. Can a daughter be given the same freedom of movement that is given to a grown up son? Fair play and justice don’t approve of any such concessions and we too don’t recommend them.

The parents must thoughtfully adopt such fair and just standards of treatment for their children that they don’t give rise to the feelings of partiality in some of them. This matter has been dealt at some length in the chapter on Jealousy which you may refer.

One person writes in his memoirs:

“The memory of my childhood is very bitter and I am unable to forget it. Dad used to discriminate between us brothers.. He used to comply with all his wishes and never for once considered my wants. He used to treat my brother with respect and treated me insultingly. Father loved him more and always had kind words for him. As a result of this treatment I started thinking that Dad and my brother are not good. I used to think of taking revenge on my Dad for the unjust behavior with me. In my worried state I preferred to be alone by myself. I started spitting on the walls and tarnishing them. I used to break the glass window- panes to take out my spleen. What was the alternative for me? But Dad was totally unconcerned about this. He didn’t know that my actions were solely to harm his interest.”

One lady writes in her diary:

“…One of our closest relatives had two daughters One was a good student and very bright while the other was mediocre. Both used to go to the school. The elder daughter, who was not bright, used to secure lower grades in her examinations. The younger girl always used to perform very well in her studies. Their mother always used to brag about the brilliance of her younger daughter and run down the elder one. She used to be full of praise for the younger daughter and always criticized the elder one that she was wasting all the expense incurred on her schooling. She even used to say that all the good dresses and food given to her is a waste.

The same elder daughter is now married. She has several children. She is a ordinary housewife. She gives a unhealthy look and seems a victim of inferiority complex. She looks tired and lost in her thoughts. At parties she takes a quiet corner and doesn’t converse with others. When I egg her on to talk, she only takes a sigh and says,’ about what can I talk?’ I remember, prior to her marriage, I took her to a psychiatrist. The doctor, after a long session of discussion with her, said that there was nothing wrong with her. In fact, her parents are sick that they have not treated her properly and reduced her to the present plight.

Once the doctor asked her, ‘Can you cook?’ She started crying and said,’ I can cook. But whenever I prepare anything my parents say that my younger sister cooks better food.’”

54) RESPECT FOR THE CHILDREN

The child too is a human being and every human being instinctively loves oneself. He wishes that others recognize his worth and respect him. When others show respect to him he feels proud and thinks that he has been praised. The parents who love their children should show them due consideration and respect. In the training of a child, showing respect to him is considered as a very important element. The child who receives respect and estimation will grow into a sober and respectable person. He always tries to maintain his reputation and refrains from doing anything wrong. He tries to keep doing good things to rise in the estimation of others. The child who is not treated by his parents with due respect, he tries to emulate them while dealing with others. The child is a man in miniature and like all men he loves himself. He will be displeased if he is not treated properly and with respect. The parents who treat children badly without giving any thought to their hurt feelings, create rancor in their young minds. Sooner or later such children turn hostile and become stubbornly difficult. Ignorant parents, whose number unfortunately is not small, consider that treating the children with respect spoils them. They take cool, condescending, and vain attitude towards the children. This way they crush the personality of the children and give birth to the inferiority complex in their impressionable minds. From the point of view of good breeding this attitude of the parents proves a major impediment. If the parents treat their children with respect, then the child will try to reciprocate. The child will get the understanding from that very tender age that the parents treat him humanely and give him importance. He will therefore abstain from doing anything that is not considered good in the society. .

He will try to do good things to maintain the respectable treatment he has been receiving from the parents. It is a matter of concern that in our societies the children are not treated with respect. They are not treated as members of the family till they are grown up. In parties and celebrations they are generally not invited and go with the parents as appendages. In parties they are seated at an insignificant corner When they arrive at the party and leave it, they are not given any attention. In the car they will not have any space for themselves. They either go standing or sit on the lap of the father. They are not allowed to speak in the party. And even if they take courage in their hands to speak, they don’t get any attention from the elders. They are summoned, if ever, with indecorum.

Islam gives all attention to the need for showing respect to the children. The Prophet of Islam has said:

“Respect your children and give them good training so that Allah rewards you.”

Hazrat Ali says:

“The meanest person is one who shows disrespect to others.”[178]

The Prophet always, and everywhere, used to treat children with affection and respect. Whenever he returned from his travels, the children used to run out and receive him. He used to hug and kiss them. Some of the children used to mount with him on the steed. He used to ask his other companions to take the other children on their horses. This way he used to enter the ramparts of the city.

Insulting behavior with children, even with babes in arms, is forbidden. Umm al-Fazl says:

“The Prophet, when Imam Hussain was a babe in the arms, one day took him from me and hugged him, the child wet his clothes. I snatched Hussain away from the Prophet at that moment, when the child started crying. The Prophet told me, ‘Umm al-Fazl, Keep your cool.! Water can clean my clothes. But who will remove the displeasure and hurt of the child Hussain’”[179]

One gentleman writes:

“I had no significance in the consideration of my parents. Not only that they did not have any respect for me, they used to insult and admonish me time and again. They never allowed me to do any work. If ever I took initiative to do some work, they used to find fault. They used to insult me in the presence of their friends and mine. They never allowed me to say anything while others were around. All these things made me carry the feelings of inferiority and shame for myself. I started considering myself a useless person. Now that I am a grown up man, I continue to labor under the same feelings of dejection. If I am confronted with difficult tasks, I feel myself helpless and incapable of doing it. I feel that because I am unable to have my own opinion about my capability, others should volunteer their opinion about me. I consider myself insignificant and absolutely incapable. I have no confidence on myself. Even I find myself at a loss to speak in the presence of others. When I utter something in such situations, I ponder for hours whether what I said was right for the occasion or not”