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A Glance at the World of Youth

A Glance at the World of Youth

Author:
Publisher: www.alhassanain.org/english
English

This book is corrected and edited by Al-Hassanain (p) Institue for Islamic Heritage and Thought

2.Infulencing Factors in an Individual's Conduct

The human conduct, itself, forms a relatively objective unit, which is the outcome of different factors and activities, hence, the humanbehaviour , like mercy, honesty, justice, uttering good words, or telling lies,hypocracy , crime, murder, using drugs and practicing monopoly, are clear signs of how different factors are united in itself, thus, by it asymphathetic human being or a criminal one is made or a complicated one who suffers from a nervous andpychological disease. Indeed, the psychological studies and the researches of criminologists andpychologists have been able to present to us analyses and interpretations to the humanbehaviour and refers them to their original factors. These studies and researches discovered that the human conduct, being good or bad - isbiult from diverse factors and causes social, hereditary and natural instincts...etc

It is beneficial to summarize these factors, so as to shed light on some circumstancesepecially thepychological crises and complicated ones, and also the conditions of deviation and unnaturalbehaviours and manners which are clearly visible among the youths. The state of rebellion against the law, sexual deviation, crime, theft and aggressions, degradation of personality and wandering, taking alcohol and drugs, suicide and social vices; which usually turns to bodily diseases, can be attributed to the essential causes and stages that form the human personality.

But whatever the circumstances may be, we ought to understand that man is an existence which has desire and power of change and transformation, and the freedom to choose what is right, instead of deviation; that is why seeking forgiveness is decreed, as well as, enjoining good and prohibiting evil.

However, the main factors which contribute in the formation of individual conducts are:

a. The Family and the Circumstances of the First Upbringing

b. Genetic Composition

c. School Education

d. The Media and Its Affect on the Conduct of the Youths

e. Political Power and Authority

f. The Culture and Beliefs of the Youths

Later on, we will see the role of each of these factors, and their effect on the conduct of the youth in particular. This kind of enlightenment will give the youthvis -a-vis the condition ofcomtemplation and controversy, a forum of dispute and the stimulus of emotion and instinct, as well as, the impulses of conduct, before he attends to them, and takes any stance. Howmarvellous and superb is this guidance of the Holy Prophet, which says: "Should you set your mind on doing something think of its outcome. If it is good, go ahead, but if it is bad, refrain from doing it"(1)

We must understand that among the most important factors behind the corruption in the conduct of the young generation is their unconscious drift toward the stimulus and personal interests, and their submission to the pressures of the sexual instinct and otherbehaviours which affect the personality of the youth; aware or unaware.

However, we can understand this brief explanation, scientifically, by considering the relationship between the intellect, consciousness andbehaviours , as we can see it clearly in some reports and researches in this field, as well as, the record and statistics which show the spreading of crime, deviation and other irregular practices in a community covered by ignorance, intellectual and cultural retardation, disbelief in Allah, which is another result of human ignorance, and the misinterpretation of this world, thus, analyzing it negatively.

a. Family and the Circumstances of the First Upbringing

The Islamic view pointvis -a-vis the scientific perspective for the growing and formation of man through the stages of his existence manifest in the relationships between those stages, from the time of the uniting of the sperm and the egg up to the stages of elderliness. Islam shows that even the relationship between the different kinds of food eaten by the parents and the zygote, which forms the baby, as well as, the behaviors of the parents toward the child in his early stage and the community and the environment which surrounds him, all have a great role in the upbringing of a newly born child.

Accordingly, we see the holy prophet (s.a.w .) explains that a man's embracing a certain ideology andbehaviour in his maturity and responsibility is related to the way he was raised and educated by his parents.

Thus, a person becoming a Muslim, having goodbehaviour , or a person becoming a deviant, shows that his parents and the way he was raised has had a hand in it. But, a person is, initially, born with a pure and clean intellect.

Although his intellect is subject to adjustment and theaccomodating of different ideas andbehaviours , it is in the first stage that a person and his nature is formed from this the saying of the holy prophet (s.a.w .) will become clear, i.e., "Every man is born on moral constitution unless his parents' will causes him to become ajew orchristian or idol worshipper."(2) And the Holy Qur'an talks about this reality, i.e., the relationship between the early education given by the parents and the humanbehaviour after the grade of maturity and intellectually and bodily perfection.

Allah the most high is saying: "And Allah has brought you forth from the wombs of your mothers - when you knew nothing - and He gave you hearing and sight and the hearts that you may give thanks (to Him)". Holy Qur'an (The Bee 16:78)

"O You whobelieve : Save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones..." Holy Qur'an (Prohibitions 66:6)

In this view, the Holy Qur'an connects what man learns and obtains in his early stage, what he hears, sees and comprehends and with what comes to him after that, hence, it enjoins the parents to educate and discipline their children aright and warns them against negligence and carelessness (toward their children).

Imam Ali (a.s .) in his sermon to his son Imam Hassan (a.s ) also connects between what man obtains and learns during the infancy stage and what his person will become in terms of thought and conduct at his puberty stage. He says: "Certainly, the heart of a young man is like uncultivated land. It accepts whatever is strewn upon it. So, I hastened to mold you properly before your heart hardened up and your mind became occupied, that you might be ready to accept, through your intelligence, the results of the experience of others and be saved from going through these experiences yourself..."(3)

Verily, by this, the Imam (a.s .) proves to us the basis of education, i.e., undertaking the education of a child (before his heart becomes hardened and his mind becomes occupied).

Certainly, this principle of education stands on a scientific or educational basis calling us to undertake the discipline of children and educating them before they grow up and their mind becomes busy with experiences and other corrupt teachings and ideologies, otherwise, we will have to start from the beginning and repeat the education once more. But, most likely, we cannot cure some deviations, and, if so, man becomes a victim and will be left in total distress the whole of his life. Thus, the foundation of most of the problems, social vices and corruption in conducts is the childhood stage which is not founded on the basis of goodness and piety.

The studies conducted on the rate of crimes in the U.S.A., in 1910, shows that 50 % of the 7,598 crimes came from family problems and separation, and that 50 % of the children in reformatorycentres in England and Scotland came from broken homes. Also, the studies conducted by a German researcher on 144criminals shows that all of them came from broken homes. And the research conducted by another German on some 2000 criminals shows that 26 % of them came from families in which the parents were separated for some reason or other. In 1942, a French researcher conducted research in the city of Paris on crime, and it shows that 88 % of the criminals came from separated families.( 4)

In general, the reason for good conduct is correct family education, and, likewise, most social vices, which a person practices in his puberty stage; like jealousy and having an inferiority complex, laziness,dependance , selfishness, aggression, drinking alcohol and using drugs, telling lies, stealing,hypocracy and showing bad behavior toward his fellow being, all these are attributed to the family education and discipline which herecieved in his puberty stage. Man'sbehaviour , morals and attributes grow, even though escaping from them and controlling them is possible. Thus, man is an existence having will, freedom of choice and power of change, although his education, if not undertaken properly, creates difficulties for him, and others may become victims of such erroneous education.

Hence, among the ways a man can understand his personality and the problems he faces or the positive side of his personality is that he should remember the nature of his first growth, and study the environment and atmosphere in which he grew up, in order to understand the source of his problems or the positive side of his personality.

b. Genetic Composition

Studies and field researches performed on the conduct of individuals, particularly the abnormal and unnatural ones, like of those who were inflicted with sexual deviations, tribalism,aggression ...etc. show that there are some biological, physiological, and hereditary factors which have anaffect on the conduct of a person, as well as, other educative, environmental and communal factors. Indeed, it iscomfirmed , scientifically, that the endocrine gland and hormones have a great effect on a person, and their effect increases - both in males and females, in the puberty and youth stages.

However, man, with his power, is able to change his stand and displace or divert his desires, selfishness and personal interests. These scientific studies confirm that the nature of the body structure of a person, and his composition, has an effect on his conduct and humanbehaviour . Therefore, the bodily structure of both a young boy and girl, like beauty and power, or weakness, simplicity and ugliness, has an effect on their variousbehaviours .

Like the affiliation to a certain class or social rank of a person, physicalstrenghth or weakness, and even thecolour and body size of a person, like the breasts and hair in young girls and the strength and height in body in young boys, and eveneloquency in speech, has a great effect on their conduct and humanbehaviour .

By considering all these, the bodily structure of a person has an effect on his conduct andbehaviour , or even in the formation of bad habits, like pride and arrogance, inferiority complex, zeal and jealousy, and the sense of wanting to oppress others. But, Islam has cured all these problems by warning man against pride and arrogance, as it warns him against zeal and jealousy and the feeling of inferiority, and emphasizing that man's value lies in his intellect, conduct andbehaviour . In view of this, humanity has value and worthiness which depends on the intellect, morals and will, not just on man's bodily structure or other material things whichdecieve him. Allah, the Most High, says: "Surely the mosthonourable of you in the sight of Allah is the one among you most careful (of his duty). Holy Qur'an (Inner Apartments 49:13)

Warning against the deception of the bodily structure in the case of theMunafiqeen (hypocrites), Allah, the Almighty, describes them: "When you see them, their exteriors please you; and if they speak; you listen to their words. They are as (worthless as hollow) pieces of wood clad with garments, (unable to stand on their own). They think that every cry is against them. They are the enemies; so beware of them. The curse of Allahbe on them; how are they deluded (away from the truth)." Holy Qur'an (Hypocrites 63:4)

In an advice,Luqman warns his son against pride andarrogancy : "And do not go about in the land exultingly, for you cannot cut through the earth nor reach the mountains in height." Holy Qur'an (Luqman 31:37)

In this respect, the Holy Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w .) says: "Surely the Almighty, Allah, does not look at your structure and wealth, but He looks at your hearts and deeds."(5) Also came a warning against pride and arrogance or pride of the body structure, like havingeloquency in speech, strength, health...etc., and likewise, another warning came against those who feel a sense of deficiency, because they have lost some part of their body. And the spirit of zeal and jealousy sometimes makes them feelembarassment and shame or creates a spirit of retaliation in some of them. Allah the Most High says: "Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of the Dawn, from the evil of what He has created; and from the evil of the utterly dark night when it comes; and from the evil of those who blow on knots, and from the evil of the envious when he envies." Holy Qur'an (The Dawn 113:1-5)

And Allah, the Almighty, also says:

"And do not covet that by which Allah has made some of you excel others. Men shall have the benefit of what they earned and women shall have the benefit of what they earn, and ask Allah of His grace, surely Allah knows all things." Holy Qur'an (Women 4:32)

Surely, the calling to self perfection, and perception of the self and essence without the feeling of inferiority or as a result of what a man has in his structure, is manifested in this supplication of ImamZain-ul Abideen Ali binHussain (a.s .): "O Allah put my wealth in myself."(6) Thus, the supplication summarizes the highest peak of relationship with the self and prevents it from feeling inferior, zealous or jealous. Therefore, in every man, there are certain specifications and qualities with which he enjoys and which are enough to make him satisfied with his personality if he makes good use them.

This is the justice of Allah, the Most high, and it is His wisdom to His creatures, and the feeling of superiority over others opens one's will to work hard and feel that he needs the hand of others. The Holy Qur'an sheds more light on this, when it says: "...And We have exalted some of them above others in degree, that some of them may take others in subjection..."

Holy Qur'an (Adornments 43:32)

Hence, we can see this enlightenment to a cure for this self problem, which came from the bodily structure of a person. In this regard, the Holy Prophet (s.a.w .), describing the attributes of a true believer, says: "Faith and jealousy cannot be gathered together in the heart of a person."(7)

c. School Education

The issue of education and its influence on the futurebehaviour of a person is not regarded as a scientific or practical issue, because it is among the clearest issues in the field of science. Therefore, the educational elements in school life have the most effect in the forming of one's personality and creating one's identity. Thus, a child, in our present world, spends the most important part of his life in the school atmosphere. He starts his life in its environment and from the nursery schools andkindergartens, it participates in the stages of his life through the primary and secondary schools, colleges anduniversites . Thus, he spends his childhood, puberty and youth in a system of life designed and arranged according to particular programs and purposes.

Therefore, he grows and forms his personality according to the philosophy of education and a life system governed by school, whether the schools are run by the state or by private funds and associations.

So, the school that adopts materialistic ideas or notions in its programs and does not give much concern to morals and belief in Allah, will produce licentious personalities who are craving after worldly gains without principles, and whose bases are built on social and political platforms. Surely, such schools will produce materialistic and capitalistic minds. General reforms and changes basically start from the school in its educational philosophy, programs and the ways of life in it and, also, the personality of the teachers who practice teaching. Thus, the school's elements - programs, methods, thebehaviours inside school and the teachers, will play a great role in the formation of one's personality.

Hence, the school teaches a student how to live with tens or hundreds of students and how to deal with different customs and cultures and how to gain from them.

The school builds its educational life on some certain principles and helps in forming the social conditions, choosing what suits its principles and refusing whatever is against its aims and purposes, therefore, it, in essence, is a small model of a community and a state. Certainly, it is more, in that, the school plays a vital role in the life of a student from the time he understands his self and starts to think about his future ambitions andexpections . So, the school becomes an essential source for him to achieve his future aspirations and ambitions. In view of this, the general opinion polls, among the students, will give us the knowledge of hope, opinions and the approaches of the student, as well as, where they are heading in the future. Likewise, failure in their studies will cause great problems for most of them, and can also affect their conduct and the future of their lives; even among their families and communities. Therefore, it is advantageous to study the problems of children and teenagers before they become more complicated and difficult to find solutions for and which may cause them to give up their studies in the primary or secondary stages, without gaining scientific training, culture and knowledge which may help them to achieve their future ambitions.

So often the teacher, or the method of education and the way of dealing with students, plays a vital role in creating problems for children and teenagers. Therefore, it demands that the school employ a social- psychology researcher to study the students' problems according to their ages and conditions, as well as, their problems from their childhood, young age and youth stages with the aim of solving them, before they become complicated anddistructive to the student and his studies, though most of the recent schools have already adopted this method. Also, bad economic conditions play a vital role in causing a student, at this age, to give his studies and his concentration to be fully focused on earning his living, or he gives up studying forever because of being unable to pay his school fees.

Bad companions and friends, also, participate greatly in the failure of the continuation of studies. Because, in this stage, it is easy to attract a child toward vices and bad habits, directing him towards loitering, vagrancy and playing in vain instead of thinking, seriously, to his respected future.

In addition, the culture of the parents and their appreciation of the future of their children, and their good relationship with them or bad habits and negligence toward them,has a great role in the failure or prosperity of their studies and life. All these show the importance of having good relationships with the youth and younger generations, because it helps them a lot in the success of their school life.

It is worth mentioning that Islam considers the seeking of knowledge compulsory for all Muslims on two levels; i.e.,Ainii andKifa'i .?????? It considers knowledge with its diverse branches, as a way to human perfection, faith in the Divine messages, knowing Allah, practicing good conduct, community's growth and life organization. This is clearly seen in thesayings of Allah, the Most High: "...Those truly fear Allah, among His servants, who have knowledge..." Holy Qur'an (The Originator 35:28)

And also says, "...Allah will raise up to (suitable) ranks (and degrees) those of you who believe and who have been granted (mystic) knowledge.." Holy Qur'an (The Woman WhoPleads 58:11) And also says: "Read and your Lord is MostHonourable . Who taught (to write) with the pen, taught man what he knew not." Holy Qur'an (The Clot 96:3-5)

Making a connection between ignorance and moral deterioration, the Almighty, Allah, says: "What! Do you indeed approach men lustfully rather than women? Nay, you are a people who act ignorantly." Holy Qur'an (The Ants 27:55)

And the Most High said: "...And if you turn not away their snare from me, I will yearn towards them and become (one) of the ignorant." Holy Qur'an (Joseph 12:33)

"...and man has turned unfaithful to it; surely he is unjust, ignorant." Holy Qur'an (The Allies 33:72)

"...surely I admonish you lest you may be of the ignorant." Holy Qur'an (Hud 11:46)

"...but I see you are a people who are ignorant." Holy Qur'an (The WindingSandtracts 46:23)

The Holy Qur'an founded the Islamic Message on the principles and basis of knowledge and education, and called for the establishment of faith on the basis of knowledge, evidence and proof. In view of this, the Holy Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w .) continued the call for seeking knowledge and motivated people towards it, and, in addition,he (s.a.w .), himself , propagated knowledge and education. Thus, after the battle ofBadr , the Holy Prophet (s.a.w .) demanded that each of theQuraish's prisoners of war should teach ten of the Muslims to read as a ransom from captivity, so as to show that being free from captivity is equal to being free from ignorance. At various times, we read in the Prophetic traditions, commandments andguidances , motivations and stimulations toward seeking knowledge, like in his (s.a.w .) saying: "Seeking knowledge is compulsory upon every Muslim."(8)

And: "The angels spread their wings to a seeker of knowledge."(9)

And: "Whoever prepares a way for seeking knowledge, Allah will prepare a way to Paradise for him." All thesehadiths , and the like, show us the importance, in Islam, of knowledge and seeking it. And also it makes clear, to us, the interest and concern Islam has toward biologicalknowledges , like pharmacology, engineering, physics, agriculture and chemistry, as well as,differnt professions and works, if we understand that IslamicShari'a regards thoseknowledges and professions as compulsory duties, i.e., it is compulsory to obtain it as much as permissible. Thus, we understand the importance of knowledge and Islam's aim in seeking knowledge.

Both the government and the individual should take the responsibility to execute this duty by preparing some people with knowledge, and teaching them different professions, so that the community will be acquainted with thoseknowledges and professions.

Islam puts great emphasis on the parents with regard to teaching their children, being merciful to them and, also, solving their problems. It is obvious that the family has a great role in providing a suitable atmosphere for their children's education, and encouraging them to seek knowledge, and preventing them from having relations with bad friends who disturb their studies. Likewise, the parents, by cooperating with the schools, can solve their children's problems.

In view of this, what we ought to give special attention to is directing the students toward the rules and principles ofstuding , showing them the importance of knowledge, encouraging them to continue their studies to the higher levels, and giving them advice and guidance which will prevent them from abandoning their studies and their professions. Likewise, the government should participate, greatly, and give a helping hand in education and solving the economic problems of the students which force them to leave their studies.

However, a young man should think, seriously, about his future and that the continuation of his studies and learning other works and having a profession are basic issues in his life, therefore, it is compulsory upon him to put forth more effort on his part and take a lesson from the life of those people who have lost their future, so that he will not become a victim like they.

d. The Media and Its Affect on the Conduct of the Youths

In our present world, the means of communication and conveying thoughts and information, has developed rapidly, seeming to travel at the speed of light and sound, and reaches every angle of the world within a few seconds. There are a great number of institutions, equipment and special devices for mass enlightenment, establishing general opinions and individual resolutions.

In addition, the means of communication and information, like television, radio, internal waves, computers, newspapers, books, magazines...have become the dominant power upon the thoughts and a means of establishing a pattern for conduct. Therefore, the media contributes in the establishment of political thoughts, as well as, individual positions and thoughts, and it contributes immensely, especially the pictorial type, like, television, cinema, Video, and pornographic magazines, in affecting the general thought and conduct of the people.

The youths - especially at the puberty stage - are active and ready, more than other people, to copy other personalities, and are influenced by the people who appear on the screen of television or cinema.

They are influenced by other people who play a vital role in the political, social and revolutionary arena, as well as, great historical heroes. This is because a youth - whether male or female - is in the stage of building his or her personality. Therefore, he or she needs someone to copy. Since instinct and desires, especially the sexual instinct, are at their highest peak and putting pressure on the youths, so they are looking for a solution to it, therefore, the media have contributed, immensely, in stirring and arousing the sexual instinct by means of pornographic and seductive films, pictures, stories, as well as, cultures, like the use of guerilla warfare tactics and aggression in films which contribute, a lot, in deviating the youths and teaching them criminal acts. In view of this, some governments are prohibiting the showing of pornographic and guerilla warfare films, often prohibiting the youth from attending the theaters where these films are shown.

The result of the statistics on viewing videos conducted by Dr. AlexanderAldila in Lebanon shows that: "The viewing of social and emotional films wins the first position while detective films win the second position..."(10)

Another report states that: The studies conducted in the U.S on 110 people in a corrections institute show that 49% of them got the desire of carrying weapons from watching the cinema and 12-21 % of them found the audacity to steal and kill police from the same source. While the studies conducted on 252 deviated young girls, between the ages of 14-18, shows that 25% of them had sexual relationships as a result of watchingpornoqraphic films in the cinema and 41 % of them were led to glamorous ceremonies, night theaters and 54% of them cut school in order to watch films, while 17% of them left their homes as a result of the conflict between them and their family on going to the cinema.

A W.H.O report and, also, a French Judge, about the factors of deviation, say: "I don't have any doubt that some films, especially detective films, play a great, harmful role in most of the cases."

A questionnaire and cross examination on 1344 personalities conducted in Britain on the relationship between the cinema and corruption of children under 16, found that 600 of them answered that there is a relationship between the cinema and children's deviation. Other studies also show that most of the stealing and robbing, which happens in the West, has an effect from the cinema.( 11) At last, it can be concluded that watching emotional films, pornographic and detective films is corrupting people, and furthermore, as scientific studiescomfirm , the youth at this stage, can be influenced by all this, because he is on the verge of his growth. From all these statistics, we can deduce that the work of the mass media in the formation of emotions and conduct involving instinct, as well as, copying the role of the heroes, is important.

e. Political Power and Authority

With the advancement of social living and civilization and its complications, the role of government and its importance in the life of an individual and community becomes high, and the interference of government in vital and necessary issues, becomes apparent, as well as, in social, intellectual, educational, economical, cultural and informative matters.

In addition, it is upon the government to undertake the responsibility of education and its organization, supervise the ministry of information and direct other ministries according to its general politics and aims, and enact rules and regulations governing its citizens, therefore, thegoverment plays a vital role in the formation of individual conduct and culture, positively or negatively.

Thus, the Islamic message considers the formation of an Islamic government as an obligatory matter, and defines Islamic government as: "A government established on the basis of Islam and its principles", and tries to make the government an instrument of execution,indvidual and community building and governing the community on the basis of IslamicShari'a . In view of this, the Islamic scholars term the existence of an Imam (a leader) as a mercy, i.e., he can encourage people toward obedience and submission (to Allah's Commands) and discourages them from sin and disobediences, because he is the one who coordinates life's construction and leads it on the basis of Islamic values and principles through his government.

The government contributes in the formation of an individual's conduct, and the political powers and parties also contribute in the formation of an individual's conduct, especially the youths, because they are more emotional and easy to be affiliated with a particular political group or movement and accept its thoughts and manifestations, whether it carries luminous ideas based on Islamic principles and its original values or being deviated parties, ideas and thoughts. Thus, it is the parents' duty to direct their children toward the right direction, and guard them against affiliating with deviated parties or groups.

f. The Culture and Beliefs of the Youths

"It is He Who brought you forth from the wombs of your mothers when you knew nothing and He gave you hearing and sight and the hearts; that you may give thanks (to Allah)."Holy Qur'an (The Bee 16:78) "Read! and your Lord is MostHonourable , Who taught (to write) with the pen, Taught man that which he knew not. Nay!man is most surely inordinate, because he sees himself free from want." Holy Qur'an (The Clot 96:4-7)

"...those truly fear Allah, among His servants, who have knowledge..." Holy Qur'an (The Originator 35:28)

These holy verses, among others, show the importance of knowledge and education, and the relationship between knowledge and conduct. For instance, thanksgiving and fear, i.e., submission and obedience to the laws and morals, before it transforms into reality, passes certain stages starting from imagination, which is the first step of an action, then, it inclines to this imagination, then, after being satisfied with it, chooses it and transforms it into action.

This is how imagination transforms into action through intellectual and psychological processes. It is clear that the belief and culture of a person contributes in creating the ideas and imaginations governing his stance and actions, as well as, depending on it.

The studies and researches conducted, in this field, show that the culture, ideas and beliefs of a person contribute immensely to his conduct, the statistics confirm that the aggression and deviation in the ignorant people, or who lack civilization and knowledge or who do not believe in Allah or theJudgement Day and the Hereafter, is related to their ignorance and unconsciousness.

Therefore, knowledge and cultural adaptation which a person bears, participate in guarding him against failure and practicing crimes and aggression, as it, also, participates, immensely, in the belief in Allah and the Hereafter, good conduct and morals. Thus, a person who is wise and conscious, socially and knowledgeably, about the actions that tempt him, and understands their bad consequences, both in this world and the Hereafter, will refrain from performing these acts due to the knowledge he has.

And a knowledgeable and civilizedperson who is conscious of his knowledge, respects his personality, because he knows the essence of his being in the society and evaluates his responsibilities before the Lord of the worlds Who bestowed on him knowledge and consciousness. Therefore, he refrains from committing crimes, sins and other immoral actions.

However, the more knowledge, piety, chasteness and self-respect in a person increases due to his civilization, social consciousness and his belief in Allah, the more his social dignity, respect for the laws that protect his interest, as well as, the interests of the community will increase. This will also help him in shunning the acts which downgrade his personality, put him under the divine and world by punishments, social contempt and general hatred.Whereas, an ignorant and uncultured person who does not know the essence of his carelessness to commit any kind of atrocity and crime will downgrade his own personality.

It is reported, in one of the traditions of the Holy Imams ofAhlul -Bait (a.s .) about the importance of respecting man's personality, and knowing the essence of his existence and consciousness about the consequences of his actions, thus: "Do not feel secure from the evil of a person who outrages his self."(12) Anotherhadith says: "An ignorant companion is an inconvenience."(13)

And it has come in anotherhadith ; an explanation of the difficulty of guiding an ignorant man after he has become deviated and changing his accustomed conduct, which shows the danger of ignorance and its effect on deviation and committing crimes. In ahadith , ImamJa'far al-Sadiq (a.s .) says: "Teaching an ignorant (person) and changing his accustomed conduct appears to be a miracle."(14) Certainly the researches, field statistics and scientific analyses reveal that self sincerity and conduct require three basic elements, they are: 1. Knowledge and awareness on the conduct and actions which a person will present, thus, a person who knows the harm of beer, drugs, smoking, gambling and recklessness, and the danger of fornication and adultery, will not go close to them talking of committing them. But, as for a person who is controlled by instinct and ignorance, will become the victim of thosedestuctive actions, destroying his wealth, health and dignity in them. Therefore, it is obligatory to enlighten the youths, and educate them on the incidents, statistics and experiences which victimized others (men and women), so that they can be of those who are alert and refrain from committing those acts.

And for strengthening the conduct of a person, there is a need to spread knowledge, awareness, and civilization and control ignorance and illiteracy. The school and cultural curriculum, or system for the people, should be a system which concerns itself with man's guidance against deviated, criminal acts.

Because knowledge gives man awareness on what is going on and understanding it in a true, scientific way, thus, he can have correct relations with it, far from deviation and ignorance. Likewise, it gives his self awareness and understanding of the essence of his existence andpersonality, therefore, he can have good relations with his person and guard his dignity and security. It gives him understanding of the actions and processes which stir in his self and direct him toward his actions, so as to study it and act consciously toward it in order to turn down those which direct him to evil and viciousness and to follow those that guide him to virtue.

Also, knowledge gives man the ability to understand the usefulness and harmfulness of an action which returns to him or his community. He responds to the useful and good ones and rejects the evil and vicious ones. It gives him anablity to understand his past, present and future and protects him against falling into danger, mistakes and wasting good opportunities, as it gives him the understanding of reality and his surroundings and he knows how to deal with it and guard himself against problems...this is how knowledge becomes man's protector and director in life.

2. Beliefs: Beliefs, ideas and civilization of a person forms a basic stimulant upon performing a particular action or refraining from it. Thus, malicious ideas and thoughts, likemarxism and capitalism, which call for unbridled freedom and the malicious ideas of psychologists and other ideas which were formed on a material basis deprived of morals and belief in Allah inflict a lot of damages on the community. Surely, the only pure and real ideology for the human generation is Islam, which has arranged human conduct on the basis of belief, because it prohibits everything which afflicts harmful results on the wellbeing of man, as well as, community interests.

In addition, Islam prohibits fornication, homosexuality, beer, gambling, drugs, slaughter, rape and violation of women, a stage that has reached untold proportions of selling millions of young girls for sexual purposes in Western countries. Therefore, the youth who believe in Allah and the Day ofRessurection , protect themselves against those actions which result in loss of health, wealth and dignity and often end with imprisonment and death, and the downgrading of the personality.

Furthermore, the researches and statistics conducted by some institutions confirmed that the percentage of crime, deviation and social problems and vices in Europe, America, Russia, Japan and other countries of the world, is increasing upon all the educational, scientific and economicaldevelpments enjoyed there. This is because the knowledge, awareness and social welfare (in those countries)does not safeguard man from crime, deviation and negativism.

Man can understand the evil and danger of lying, forgery, fornication, drugs, smoking, extravagance, oppression,manslaugther , stealing, raping, pride...etc., but he is practicing it, because the knowledge which is deprived him of the belief in Allah and the Hereafter will not protect against those crimes...in view of this, the holy Qur'an joins knowledge with belief, and says: "...Allah will raise up to (suitable) ranks (and degrees) those of you who believe and who have been granted (mystic) knowledge.." Holy Qur'an (The Woman Who Pleads 58:11) Therefore man's progress and priority will not be achieved unless through interaction between knowledge and belief.

3. Willingness: Will is the ability to perform an act or refrain from it. In short, it is that stance which shows a human's essence, and willingness is the basis ofsharia's responsibility of doing an act. Thus, a man who has the power of will is able to access the self stances and desires, and face the problems and events... forthis, his conduct will be well founded. The secret of personal power, basically, is will power, as will power is one of the effective ways of man's success, achieving his goals and the security of his future...thus, with the power of will, man can fight against fornication, forbidden wealth and those who want to direct him to evil work. And, likewise, with the power of will, man drinks alcohol, smokes, takes drugs, etc., hence, educating the power of will is Islam's interest and aims at it morally and through education.

Therefore, the youths need to respect their self will, so as to enter the world of life with full dignity founded on good conduct and behavior. Before taking any resolution, he has to weigh the consequences, and think, seriously, about what he wants to do, especially because he is on a dangerous stage. And the most important factors for strengthening the will are: belief in AllahTa'ala , patience, worshipping like Fasting, prayers and jihad, teaching the self to stand against prohibited things, practicing and preserving the obligatory acts, self satisfaction, struggling to achieve good acts and aims and expelling indecision and anxious ideas.

Introduction by ‘Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Look at the youth standing upon the origin of a new way with their hopes, abundant aspirations and hearts full of love and commotion, with the idea to move towards and independent and responsible life. They confront two important decisions, two vital obstacles, two lofty peaks and two big selections.

So they must necessarily cross through these two obstacles and reach for these peaks and take decisions regarding these two essentially important problems and make the selection.

It cannot be that they leave these two, or either one of them aside. And neither are they energetic enough to cross through them all alone, without any kind of guide or assistance, to reach their aim safely.

The good luck and prosperity or misfortune and misery of their lives is, to a great extent, connected and linked to these two decisions and selections.

If they are able to safely cross these two obstacles and peaks, then they have, to a great extent, neared themselves to prosperity and fortune. And if, God forbid, they do not succeed in making these decisions and selections (properly), then many difficulties and agonies will come into existence for them.

One of the two is choosing a job and the other is selecting a spouse.

Each of these two decisions and selections is big and sensitive; but one of them is even bigger and more sensitive than the other, and that is the selection of spouse.

One of the great Gnostics said: “If a man spends half of his life in the search of a suitable teacher, it is worthwhile, since he will become prosperous in the other half of it.”

I too say, “If a man spends half of his life searching for a proper and suitable spouse, it is worthwhile, because he will be prosperous, for the rest of his life.”1

Have you ever seen a successful man who does not have a capable woman beside him? And have you ever seen a prosperous woman who does not have a talented man beside her?

Usually every successful man has a capable woman beside him and every prosperous woman has a capable man beside her. If we observe, we will discover that it is so in every society. Even if we probe into history, we see the same. For example, Ibrahim (a.s) has Hajar beside him, whilst Musa (a.s) has Safoora at his back. Isa (Jesus) (a.s) has his mother Maryam at his side and Mohammad (S) has Khadija (s.a) beside him. We find Zahra (s.a) beside Ali (a.s), whilst Imam Hassan (a.s),

Imam Hussain (a.s), and Imam Sajjad (a.s) have Zainab (s.a) beside them. And similarly, beside all the scholars, thinkers, inventors, and reformers we usually observe capable gifted women as their wives, mothers or sisters.

Of course, because of the fact that women usually remained inside the house, they made less public appearance and so remained to a lesser degree, the focus of attention of historians, speakers, and writers. As a result, they glittered less. But since capable and talented men and women had their roles to play in each other's success and prosperity, there is no difference between them and they are equal and alike.

We can even go to the extent to say that the role of women in the success of men has been more than the role of men in the prosperity of women. Because woman is the axis and basis of life and the family and if this axis becomes anguished, disturbed and unbalanced, the foundation of life will become turbulent and weak. It is very difficult for men to succeed in a shaky and turbulent life, but if the woman is talented and capable, the man will ascend to heaven from her lap.2

And likewise, the capability and talent of each sex has and effect on the prosperity of the other, whereas the incapability, inefficiency and inferiority of each one have their effect upon the fate of the other.

An inferior, abject, ill-mannered and faithless woman destroys the life of a man and makes him sit upon the dust of abjectness and shame. And a base, mean, characterless, and faithless man will push the woman towards misfortune, a bleak life an psychological and spiritual diseases.

The Prophet (S) prays to Allah about a bad spouse, saying:

أعوذ بك من زوجة تشيبني قبل أوان مشيبي .

“Oh Allah! I take refuge in you from a wife who makes me old before my old age reaches me.”3

Only God knows what an abundance of huge amounts of energies are destroyed in this marsh. And what number of fresh souls become withered and emaciated in this field. And how many tragedies occur in this area. Woe to the man who has an evil and bad woman! And woe to then woman who becomes entangled with a vile and impure man!

What plentiful numbers of nice capable, religious and talented boys have been seen dragged and pushed into marshes and slimes as a result of marrying an incapable and base girl! And how many good, nice, capable, modest, beautiful and spirited girls with good tastes and talents have been pushed into a cesspool, as an effect of marrying an incapable, faithless, illogical and selfish boy and been totally destroyed.

Or, if both of them are good and capable, but are not and equal match and counterpart, proportional to each other, then even this situation creates difficulty And this is a very important and minute problem.

At a later stage, we will discuss spouses being equal counterparts, proportional to each other.

But right now, it is necessary to explain that goodness and fairness of both spouses alone is insufficient, but than them being a good match, proportionate to each other conventionally speaking, is also essential so they can move forwards together in harmony.

We have seen a great number of couples, which individually, are both good, but together they have a disorganised life, because they are not proportionate to each other. Each one lives a separate life to the other.

These couples too end up with conflict, disagreement, and some with divorce, whereas if each of them had married a proportionate spouse, they would have succeeded. I will explain this further, describing a few live examples.

A boy and a girl need assistance and guidance in this risky and sensitive field. I sit possible to leave the youth all alone in this much sensitive phase? They must have access to the people means, books and centers to assist and help them out. It is not really advisable to leave them alone.

How is it that a teacher and guide is needed for driving a car, constructing a building, travelling along an avenue and performing simple and ordinary things, but a teacher, a guide, and a guardian is not essential for choosing a mate, organising and establishing a long life, and laying the foundation of a human assembly?

The marriage of a girl and a boy is the starting point of a big human race. The marriage of the chief of believers, Ali (a.s), with Fatima Zahra (s.a) laid the foundation of a great race, which continues yet and will remain continuous and persistent up to the end of human history. And hereby, we are benefiting from the benevolence and beneficence of this scared relation and this blessed tree.

Imam Khomeini (r.a) and Ayatollah Khamene'i, the grand leaders, are the fruits of this blessed marriage. The marriage of Abu Sufian and Hind (the liver eater)4 also bought into being the foundation of an immoral race and so the Umayyad caliphs came into existence from this dirty relation Humanity has suffered great losses and continues facing difficulties at the hand of this corrupt tree.

Islam has set so many laws and topics, and stresses so much upon the subject of marriage and selection of spouses that makes one surprised and astonished.

(Professor) Mohammad Taqi Ja’fari used to say: “Bertrand Russell (the renowned European philosopher) wrote to me and asked, “Why has Islam given such value to, and formed laws for marriage?” In response to him, I wrote, “The problem is man. Marriage brings 'man' into existence.”5

The actual aim of the discussion in this book is making boys and girls familiar with the method and manner of choosing a spouse, so that they can succeed in this critical, serious and fate-making matter. But the other decision and selection, i.e., selecting a job, will Insha’Allah; be brought into consideration in another book.

Reminding of A Few Points

1- The stories and examples quoted this book are real and authentic, but the names of the people have been changed to protect their identity. Only in a few cases have the real names been used.

2- We hereby thank our dear honourable brothers, Mr. Jawad Chenari and Mr. Masood Azarbaijani who helped and co-operated realizing this book, Mr.Hussain fidaee of the Imam As-Sadiq (a.s) institute, Qom, who was responsible for composing and paging and to the publication centre of the Office of Islamic Propagation, at the seminary of Qom, which shouldered the responsibility of its publication. We pray to Allah to grant them abundant rewards.

3- This book is a preliminary in connection with the problems of the youth and Insha’Allah, we will take the relevant steps after it. Therefore, we would like thinkers, clear sighted and lucid personalities, the youth and respectable reader to send their views, suggestions, criticisms and observations to the writer, at the publisher's address, including real examples of their own experiences and anything which may relate to the topic of this book, as well as those things which may concern the younger generation and could be effective and a way-opener, so that they could be used in the following editions and books. Quite evidently, if such steps are taken with sincerity, they shall bring valuable and worthy rewards from Allah.

We also expect from young couples and all those who are inclined to take steps on the way to help and guide the younger generation to describe their sweet or bitter experiences, whether experienced directly or indirectly:

Experiences such as success or failure in the selection of a spouse, the ways of spending the periods of engagement and ‘Aqad (the period after Nikah and before real marriage life), the do's and don'ts of these periods, the successes and failures of the phases of spouse-selection, engagement period, marriage, after marriage and the initiating of a new joint life, its continuation, along with the causes and factors of success and failure and their biographies, so that these milestones can be living guides for young people at the starting point of their lives toward the achievement of prosperous lives.

Meanwhile, if you are inclined, we will use your real names, but if you refer us not to do so, you can write to us and we will use fictitious names, just as we have done in most of the examples quoted in this book.

We pray to Almighty Allah for His pleasure and guidance.

Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Seminary of Qum, Spring, 1373 (S.H.)

Notes

1. Of course, it doesn’t mean delaying the marriage; rather it means subtlety and carefulness in choosing the spouse. We shall explain it in the future discussions.

2. Here Imam Khomeini’s famous saying has been hinted at: “Man ascends to heaven from the lap of woman”.

3. Wasail al-Shia, vol.14,p22.

4. Hind, the wife of Abu Sufian, chewed the liver of Hazrat Hamza (a.s) after his being martyred in the Uhud battle.

5. His lessons about Nahjul Balagha in television.

Chapter One: Excellence of Marriage

Man and Woman: Enhancements of Each Other

Allah created man in a manner in which he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Man may upgrade his knowledge, faith and qualities, but he shall never reach the desired perfection while he does not have a spouse. (Be it man or woman).

Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Both the male and female sexes need each other from a spiritual, as well as physical point of view. And each one of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. When they are placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands the whole universe.

The Qur’an calls man and woman the dress of each other.

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ

“They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you are as a dress for them.” (2: 187)

That is to say, they are the enhancement, counterpart, and guard of each other’s honour and secrets, and each one needs the other. Man cannot live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfection. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.

Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, homelessness, aimlessness, and solitude. As a dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.

Spouse: A Big Blessing From Allah

One of the greatest blessings of Allah to man is a nice life- partner. The Prophet (S) said in this regard:

ما اسْتَفَادَ امْرُؤٌ مُسْلِمٌ فَائِدَةً بَعْدَ الإسْلامِ أفْضَلَ مِنْ زَوْجَةٍ مُسْلِمَةٍ (أو صَالِحَةٍ ).

“The Muslim man has not achieved any benefit (from Allah’s blessings) better than a suitable Muslim wife, after Islam.”1

Marriage Philosophy

It is possible that some people who have not appreciated the depth of the philosophy of marriage and setting up of a joint life may say: ‘We satisfy our sexual lust through many other means apart from marriage and fulfil this desire through other ways, so what is the need of accepting the responsibility of marriage?”

It should be said in response to this creed and question that fulfilment of sexual desire and lust is not the only achievement and advantage of marriage. It is only one of its benefits. Instead, apart from soothing and comforting the sexual instinct, it has many other aspects and dimensions of excellence, worth and importance, like raising a family.

It gifts man with other factors such as commitment, completion, progress, maturity, development of personality, comfort and many more valuable benefits. Commitment to a wife and family brings magnanimity, splendour and a sense of social responsibility, and makes many of his capabilities and sleeping talents bloom and bear fruit.

After marriage, the personality of a man changes into a social personality and he considers himself absolutely responsible for the security of his wife and children’s future. On this account, he uses the sum total of his senses, initiatives and abilities.”2

There is an enjoyment and progress in raising a family to which nothing can be the substitute. Martyr Mutahhari (ra) says in this regard:

“There are ethical characteristics, which can not be achieved, except in the school of family raising. The foundation of a family means developing a kind of interest in the fate of others. The moralists and ascetics who have not crossed through this phase have a sort of immaturity and childhood in their personalities to the end of their lives. And it is one of the reasons why marriage has been stressed upon as a sacred matter and a service in Islam. Marriage is the first and preliminary phase of exit from the (shell of) natural personal self, and the expansion of human’s personality.”3

Similarly, he says about the training mode of marriage:

“There is a maturity, a maturity, which does not take shape except in the shade of marriage and raising of family. It is not shaped in school, formed in a crusade against ego, nor is it inculcated and raised through night vigil and prayers. It does not even come into existence through love and attachment with pious ones.”4

What a large number of people have been observed who did not follow any principles of ethics, religion, and society, and a form of frivolity, heedlessness, and debauchery overwhelmed their character. But after getting married, their character, morale, and attitude changed and they became sober and dignified. And their habits and manners began to show a kind of graciousness and sagaciousness.

“Spouse”: The Sign of Allah’s Wisdom and Source of Man’s Comfort

Allah, who is the Creator of human beings and knows their peculiarities, characteristics, nature and instincts, described the creation of man and woman and placing them side by side, as one of His wisdoms and signs, and introduced marriage as the cause of love, affection, beneficence and comfort of man, saying:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And one of His signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.”(30:21)

This peace and comfort is not the common and ordinary conventional comfort, which psychologists and psychiatrists describe; instead, in addition to that, it includes dignity, grace, balance of thought, vision and spirit, the feeling of being worthy and having a serious personality and the achievement of additional honour, status and so on.

Marriage: The Improver of the Value of Man’s Practices

Marriage and family raising imprints such an effect upon the existence of man by upgrading the worth of his personality on the way to its maturity, that even his practices and services become more valued and worthier before Allah and the angels, so that its value goes up to many times the previous one. For example, consider this Hadith of Imam Ja’far (a.s):

رَكْعَتانِ يُصَلِّيهِما المُتَزَوِّجُ أفْضَلُ مِن سَبْعِينَ رَكعَة يُصَلِّيهَا العَزِبُ .

“Two cycles of service offered by a married person is more excellent and worthier than seventy cycles of service offered by a bachelor and unmarried person.”5

The Loveliest Centre to Allah

The unit which is formed through marriage is the object of Allah’s love and kindness, and He views it with tenderness and benevolence. The great ambassador of Allah (S) has put it in this way:

“No construction has been constructed lovelier than marriage to Allah- May He be honoured and glorified.”6

What prosperity and beneficence can be loftier than Allah’s love for one’s family and dwelling (that too in the super way) and viewing it with love, affection, and kindness?

The Medal of Honour

Ali (a.s), the chief of believers, has described a very worthy fact about the value of marriage:

لَمْ يَكُن أحَدٌ مِن أصْحَابِ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلّى اللهُ عَليهِ وَآلهِ يَتَزَوَّجُ إلاّ قَالَ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلّى اللهُ عَلَيه وَآلهِ: “كمل دينه .”

“There were none of the friends of the Prophet (S) who would marry but the Prophet (S) would say his faith (religion) had been completed.”7

What a surprise! Marriage has this much worth and value that the Prophet of Allah (S) decorated the chests of those who married with medals of honor.

It is evident from these words of the Prophet (S) that while a person does not marry, his faith lies in danger. This is because sexual instinct, spiritual pressures, sense of solitude and futility, being devoid of shelter and the lack of a sense of social responsibility, as well as many other harms of remaining unmarried can damage the roots of man’s faith and destabilize it.

Marriage and establishing a family and resting beside an excellent, virtuous, lovely, sympathetic and faithful spouse not only controls sexual lust, but also a spiritual relaxation and comfort is achieved.

At the same time, man’s dependence and trust upon Allah is increased and grows. He moves out of the apprehensive condition and homelessness. He senses and feels security and personality. His eyes and mind are distracted and detached from other places, and concentrate and focus on his spouse.

Consequently, he achieves more proximity and nearness to Allah, and Allah’s beneficences cover him up more than ever, and his faith is strengthened and reaches completion.

Reminder

Of course, we must be attentive to the fact that these glowing and shining results come to hand when the correct and true standards of “spouse selection”, family raising and the preparations of marriage are carefully and correctly observed.

In the next chapters, we will Insha’Allah discuss the topics of correct criterions and standards and the know how of crossing the preliminaries of marriage.

Notes

1. Wasail al-Shia vol 14. p 23.

2. Tafseer al-Nemoone, vol. 14, p 465.

3. Education and training in Islam, Sadra Publications, p 251 to 252.

4. Education and training in Islam, Sadra Publications, p 398.

5. Wasail Al-Shia, vol. 14, p 6.

6. Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 103, p. 222.

7. Makaremul Akhlaq, p 99.

Introduction by ‘Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Look at the youth standing upon the origin of a new way with their hopes, abundant aspirations and hearts full of love and commotion, with the idea to move towards and independent and responsible life. They confront two important decisions, two vital obstacles, two lofty peaks and two big selections.

So they must necessarily cross through these two obstacles and reach for these peaks and take decisions regarding these two essentially important problems and make the selection.

It cannot be that they leave these two, or either one of them aside. And neither are they energetic enough to cross through them all alone, without any kind of guide or assistance, to reach their aim safely.

The good luck and prosperity or misfortune and misery of their lives is, to a great extent, connected and linked to these two decisions and selections.

If they are able to safely cross these two obstacles and peaks, then they have, to a great extent, neared themselves to prosperity and fortune. And if, God forbid, they do not succeed in making these decisions and selections (properly), then many difficulties and agonies will come into existence for them.

One of the two is choosing a job and the other is selecting a spouse.

Each of these two decisions and selections is big and sensitive; but one of them is even bigger and more sensitive than the other, and that is the selection of spouse.

One of the great Gnostics said: “If a man spends half of his life in the search of a suitable teacher, it is worthwhile, since he will become prosperous in the other half of it.”

I too say, “If a man spends half of his life searching for a proper and suitable spouse, it is worthwhile, because he will be prosperous, for the rest of his life.”1

Have you ever seen a successful man who does not have a capable woman beside him? And have you ever seen a prosperous woman who does not have a talented man beside her?

Usually every successful man has a capable woman beside him and every prosperous woman has a capable man beside her. If we observe, we will discover that it is so in every society. Even if we probe into history, we see the same. For example, Ibrahim (a.s) has Hajar beside him, whilst Musa (a.s) has Safoora at his back. Isa (Jesus) (a.s) has his mother Maryam at his side and Mohammad (S) has Khadija (s.a) beside him. We find Zahra (s.a) beside Ali (a.s), whilst Imam Hassan (a.s),

Imam Hussain (a.s), and Imam Sajjad (a.s) have Zainab (s.a) beside them. And similarly, beside all the scholars, thinkers, inventors, and reformers we usually observe capable gifted women as their wives, mothers or sisters.

Of course, because of the fact that women usually remained inside the house, they made less public appearance and so remained to a lesser degree, the focus of attention of historians, speakers, and writers. As a result, they glittered less. But since capable and talented men and women had their roles to play in each other's success and prosperity, there is no difference between them and they are equal and alike.

We can even go to the extent to say that the role of women in the success of men has been more than the role of men in the prosperity of women. Because woman is the axis and basis of life and the family and if this axis becomes anguished, disturbed and unbalanced, the foundation of life will become turbulent and weak. It is very difficult for men to succeed in a shaky and turbulent life, but if the woman is talented and capable, the man will ascend to heaven from her lap.2

And likewise, the capability and talent of each sex has and effect on the prosperity of the other, whereas the incapability, inefficiency and inferiority of each one have their effect upon the fate of the other.

An inferior, abject, ill-mannered and faithless woman destroys the life of a man and makes him sit upon the dust of abjectness and shame. And a base, mean, characterless, and faithless man will push the woman towards misfortune, a bleak life an psychological and spiritual diseases.

The Prophet (S) prays to Allah about a bad spouse, saying:

أعوذ بك من زوجة تشيبني قبل أوان مشيبي .

“Oh Allah! I take refuge in you from a wife who makes me old before my old age reaches me.”3

Only God knows what an abundance of huge amounts of energies are destroyed in this marsh. And what number of fresh souls become withered and emaciated in this field. And how many tragedies occur in this area. Woe to the man who has an evil and bad woman! And woe to then woman who becomes entangled with a vile and impure man!

What plentiful numbers of nice capable, religious and talented boys have been seen dragged and pushed into marshes and slimes as a result of marrying an incapable and base girl! And how many good, nice, capable, modest, beautiful and spirited girls with good tastes and talents have been pushed into a cesspool, as an effect of marrying an incapable, faithless, illogical and selfish boy and been totally destroyed.

Or, if both of them are good and capable, but are not and equal match and counterpart, proportional to each other, then even this situation creates difficulty And this is a very important and minute problem.

At a later stage, we will discuss spouses being equal counterparts, proportional to each other.

But right now, it is necessary to explain that goodness and fairness of both spouses alone is insufficient, but than them being a good match, proportionate to each other conventionally speaking, is also essential so they can move forwards together in harmony.

We have seen a great number of couples, which individually, are both good, but together they have a disorganised life, because they are not proportionate to each other. Each one lives a separate life to the other.

These couples too end up with conflict, disagreement, and some with divorce, whereas if each of them had married a proportionate spouse, they would have succeeded. I will explain this further, describing a few live examples.

A boy and a girl need assistance and guidance in this risky and sensitive field. I sit possible to leave the youth all alone in this much sensitive phase? They must have access to the people means, books and centers to assist and help them out. It is not really advisable to leave them alone.

How is it that a teacher and guide is needed for driving a car, constructing a building, travelling along an avenue and performing simple and ordinary things, but a teacher, a guide, and a guardian is not essential for choosing a mate, organising and establishing a long life, and laying the foundation of a human assembly?

The marriage of a girl and a boy is the starting point of a big human race. The marriage of the chief of believers, Ali (a.s), with Fatima Zahra (s.a) laid the foundation of a great race, which continues yet and will remain continuous and persistent up to the end of human history. And hereby, we are benefiting from the benevolence and beneficence of this scared relation and this blessed tree.

Imam Khomeini (r.a) and Ayatollah Khamene'i, the grand leaders, are the fruits of this blessed marriage. The marriage of Abu Sufian and Hind (the liver eater)4 also bought into being the foundation of an immoral race and so the Umayyad caliphs came into existence from this dirty relation Humanity has suffered great losses and continues facing difficulties at the hand of this corrupt tree.

Islam has set so many laws and topics, and stresses so much upon the subject of marriage and selection of spouses that makes one surprised and astonished.

(Professor) Mohammad Taqi Ja’fari used to say: “Bertrand Russell (the renowned European philosopher) wrote to me and asked, “Why has Islam given such value to, and formed laws for marriage?” In response to him, I wrote, “The problem is man. Marriage brings 'man' into existence.”5

The actual aim of the discussion in this book is making boys and girls familiar with the method and manner of choosing a spouse, so that they can succeed in this critical, serious and fate-making matter. But the other decision and selection, i.e., selecting a job, will Insha’Allah; be brought into consideration in another book.

Reminding of A Few Points

1- The stories and examples quoted this book are real and authentic, but the names of the people have been changed to protect their identity. Only in a few cases have the real names been used.

2- We hereby thank our dear honourable brothers, Mr. Jawad Chenari and Mr. Masood Azarbaijani who helped and co-operated realizing this book, Mr.Hussain fidaee of the Imam As-Sadiq (a.s) institute, Qom, who was responsible for composing and paging and to the publication centre of the Office of Islamic Propagation, at the seminary of Qom, which shouldered the responsibility of its publication. We pray to Allah to grant them abundant rewards.

3- This book is a preliminary in connection with the problems of the youth and Insha’Allah, we will take the relevant steps after it. Therefore, we would like thinkers, clear sighted and lucid personalities, the youth and respectable reader to send their views, suggestions, criticisms and observations to the writer, at the publisher's address, including real examples of their own experiences and anything which may relate to the topic of this book, as well as those things which may concern the younger generation and could be effective and a way-opener, so that they could be used in the following editions and books. Quite evidently, if such steps are taken with sincerity, they shall bring valuable and worthy rewards from Allah.

We also expect from young couples and all those who are inclined to take steps on the way to help and guide the younger generation to describe their sweet or bitter experiences, whether experienced directly or indirectly:

Experiences such as success or failure in the selection of a spouse, the ways of spending the periods of engagement and ‘Aqad (the period after Nikah and before real marriage life), the do's and don'ts of these periods, the successes and failures of the phases of spouse-selection, engagement period, marriage, after marriage and the initiating of a new joint life, its continuation, along with the causes and factors of success and failure and their biographies, so that these milestones can be living guides for young people at the starting point of their lives toward the achievement of prosperous lives.

Meanwhile, if you are inclined, we will use your real names, but if you refer us not to do so, you can write to us and we will use fictitious names, just as we have done in most of the examples quoted in this book.

We pray to Almighty Allah for His pleasure and guidance.

Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Seminary of Qum, Spring, 1373 (S.H.)

Notes

1. Of course, it doesn’t mean delaying the marriage; rather it means subtlety and carefulness in choosing the spouse. We shall explain it in the future discussions.

2. Here Imam Khomeini’s famous saying has been hinted at: “Man ascends to heaven from the lap of woman”.

3. Wasail al-Shia, vol.14,p22.

4. Hind, the wife of Abu Sufian, chewed the liver of Hazrat Hamza (a.s) after his being martyred in the Uhud battle.

5. His lessons about Nahjul Balagha in television.

Chapter One: Excellence of Marriage

Man and Woman: Enhancements of Each Other

Allah created man in a manner in which he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Man may upgrade his knowledge, faith and qualities, but he shall never reach the desired perfection while he does not have a spouse. (Be it man or woman).

Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Both the male and female sexes need each other from a spiritual, as well as physical point of view. And each one of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. When they are placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands the whole universe.

The Qur’an calls man and woman the dress of each other.

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ

“They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you are as a dress for them.” (2: 187)

That is to say, they are the enhancement, counterpart, and guard of each other’s honour and secrets, and each one needs the other. Man cannot live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfection. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.

Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, homelessness, aimlessness, and solitude. As a dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.

Spouse: A Big Blessing From Allah

One of the greatest blessings of Allah to man is a nice life- partner. The Prophet (S) said in this regard:

ما اسْتَفَادَ امْرُؤٌ مُسْلِمٌ فَائِدَةً بَعْدَ الإسْلامِ أفْضَلَ مِنْ زَوْجَةٍ مُسْلِمَةٍ (أو صَالِحَةٍ ).

“The Muslim man has not achieved any benefit (from Allah’s blessings) better than a suitable Muslim wife, after Islam.”1

Marriage Philosophy

It is possible that some people who have not appreciated the depth of the philosophy of marriage and setting up of a joint life may say: ‘We satisfy our sexual lust through many other means apart from marriage and fulfil this desire through other ways, so what is the need of accepting the responsibility of marriage?”

It should be said in response to this creed and question that fulfilment of sexual desire and lust is not the only achievement and advantage of marriage. It is only one of its benefits. Instead, apart from soothing and comforting the sexual instinct, it has many other aspects and dimensions of excellence, worth and importance, like raising a family.

It gifts man with other factors such as commitment, completion, progress, maturity, development of personality, comfort and many more valuable benefits. Commitment to a wife and family brings magnanimity, splendour and a sense of social responsibility, and makes many of his capabilities and sleeping talents bloom and bear fruit.

After marriage, the personality of a man changes into a social personality and he considers himself absolutely responsible for the security of his wife and children’s future. On this account, he uses the sum total of his senses, initiatives and abilities.”2

There is an enjoyment and progress in raising a family to which nothing can be the substitute. Martyr Mutahhari (ra) says in this regard:

“There are ethical characteristics, which can not be achieved, except in the school of family raising. The foundation of a family means developing a kind of interest in the fate of others. The moralists and ascetics who have not crossed through this phase have a sort of immaturity and childhood in their personalities to the end of their lives. And it is one of the reasons why marriage has been stressed upon as a sacred matter and a service in Islam. Marriage is the first and preliminary phase of exit from the (shell of) natural personal self, and the expansion of human’s personality.”3

Similarly, he says about the training mode of marriage:

“There is a maturity, a maturity, which does not take shape except in the shade of marriage and raising of family. It is not shaped in school, formed in a crusade against ego, nor is it inculcated and raised through night vigil and prayers. It does not even come into existence through love and attachment with pious ones.”4

What a large number of people have been observed who did not follow any principles of ethics, religion, and society, and a form of frivolity, heedlessness, and debauchery overwhelmed their character. But after getting married, their character, morale, and attitude changed and they became sober and dignified. And their habits and manners began to show a kind of graciousness and sagaciousness.

“Spouse”: The Sign of Allah’s Wisdom and Source of Man’s Comfort

Allah, who is the Creator of human beings and knows their peculiarities, characteristics, nature and instincts, described the creation of man and woman and placing them side by side, as one of His wisdoms and signs, and introduced marriage as the cause of love, affection, beneficence and comfort of man, saying:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And one of His signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.”(30:21)

This peace and comfort is not the common and ordinary conventional comfort, which psychologists and psychiatrists describe; instead, in addition to that, it includes dignity, grace, balance of thought, vision and spirit, the feeling of being worthy and having a serious personality and the achievement of additional honour, status and so on.

Marriage: The Improver of the Value of Man’s Practices

Marriage and family raising imprints such an effect upon the existence of man by upgrading the worth of his personality on the way to its maturity, that even his practices and services become more valued and worthier before Allah and the angels, so that its value goes up to many times the previous one. For example, consider this Hadith of Imam Ja’far (a.s):

رَكْعَتانِ يُصَلِّيهِما المُتَزَوِّجُ أفْضَلُ مِن سَبْعِينَ رَكعَة يُصَلِّيهَا العَزِبُ .

“Two cycles of service offered by a married person is more excellent and worthier than seventy cycles of service offered by a bachelor and unmarried person.”5

The Loveliest Centre to Allah

The unit which is formed through marriage is the object of Allah’s love and kindness, and He views it with tenderness and benevolence. The great ambassador of Allah (S) has put it in this way:

“No construction has been constructed lovelier than marriage to Allah- May He be honoured and glorified.”6

What prosperity and beneficence can be loftier than Allah’s love for one’s family and dwelling (that too in the super way) and viewing it with love, affection, and kindness?

The Medal of Honour

Ali (a.s), the chief of believers, has described a very worthy fact about the value of marriage:

لَمْ يَكُن أحَدٌ مِن أصْحَابِ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلّى اللهُ عَليهِ وَآلهِ يَتَزَوَّجُ إلاّ قَالَ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلّى اللهُ عَلَيه وَآلهِ: “كمل دينه .”

“There were none of the friends of the Prophet (S) who would marry but the Prophet (S) would say his faith (religion) had been completed.”7

What a surprise! Marriage has this much worth and value that the Prophet of Allah (S) decorated the chests of those who married with medals of honor.

It is evident from these words of the Prophet (S) that while a person does not marry, his faith lies in danger. This is because sexual instinct, spiritual pressures, sense of solitude and futility, being devoid of shelter and the lack of a sense of social responsibility, as well as many other harms of remaining unmarried can damage the roots of man’s faith and destabilize it.

Marriage and establishing a family and resting beside an excellent, virtuous, lovely, sympathetic and faithful spouse not only controls sexual lust, but also a spiritual relaxation and comfort is achieved.

At the same time, man’s dependence and trust upon Allah is increased and grows. He moves out of the apprehensive condition and homelessness. He senses and feels security and personality. His eyes and mind are distracted and detached from other places, and concentrate and focus on his spouse.

Consequently, he achieves more proximity and nearness to Allah, and Allah’s beneficences cover him up more than ever, and his faith is strengthened and reaches completion.

Reminder

Of course, we must be attentive to the fact that these glowing and shining results come to hand when the correct and true standards of “spouse selection”, family raising and the preparations of marriage are carefully and correctly observed.

In the next chapters, we will Insha’Allah discuss the topics of correct criterions and standards and the know how of crossing the preliminaries of marriage.

Notes

1. Wasail al-Shia vol 14. p 23.

2. Tafseer al-Nemoone, vol. 14, p 465.

3. Education and training in Islam, Sadra Publications, p 251 to 252.

4. Education and training in Islam, Sadra Publications, p 398.

5. Wasail Al-Shia, vol. 14, p 6.

6. Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 103, p. 222.

7. Makaremul Akhlaq, p 99.


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