Alhassanain(p) Network for Heritage and Islamic Thought

My Body Started To Tremble with Fear and Tears Were Flowing

Assalam Alaikum

I have been reading the stories of people converting to Islam for quite a while now and decided to tell everyone about my story. It is a bit different than others in fact I was born in a Muslim family in the United Kingdom and have lived here all my life.

My parents came to this country before I was born. I have three sisters and one brother. Even though I was born in a Muslim family none I knew were practising. All I knew was that I had a Muslim name, couldn’t eat pork and the whitepeoples meat, and was not allowed to show my legs.

I had a really disturbing childhood my father used to physically and mentally abuse my mother and all of us. He used to drink and have extra marital affairs. We were very afraid of him and could never talk to him freely. As growing up I lacked self-confidence and was very shy because I used to be put down a lot by my father.

When I was about nine years old we went to Pakistan to live as my dad was afraid we didn’t speak their language i.e. Punjabi and were not familiar with the culture. We stayed there for five years I would say it was a good thing as we were taught reciting the Quran, praying salaat and we went to school which taught us about Islamic history but still nothing that made an effect. We came back to England and things were a bit better than before my dad wasn’t as abusive. My sister wanted to marry a man but my father disapproved so she ran off to get married to him. I was aware of this and tried to talk her out of it but she had made her mind up. I also left on the same day and went to a hostel as I was afraid what my father would do to me.

I hated it, there were other Asian girls living there but I didn’t like the way they were. They had boyfriends and lived like white girls I cried for two days and decided to go home as I didn’t want to live like that. It was horrible going back and getting cursed by my dad but there was nowhere to go.

I remember praying to Allah that I didn’t want to commit suicide and I didn’t want to live either. I asked him to help me and get me out of this tough time. Suddenly things started to get better, my uncle’s son who I hadn’t seen for a very long time came to our house and we were attracted to each other. We got married and he is everything I wanted in a husband at that time he was very trusting and gave me freedom and basically let me do what I wanted to in its limits. He used to pray the jummah salaat and that’s about it.

After I had my second child my husband changed, he said that the following Ramadan we will begin to pray salaat and read the Quran translation tapes his father gave to us a couple of years ago. I said well I tried to make excuses that I couldn’t remember to pray may Allah forgive me. So I put the cassette on and began to listen to the Quran I cannot explain what effect it had on me my body started to tremble with fear and tears were flowing from my eyes. I felt like I was the worst person on earth for not living the way Allah swt has told us. I began to pray five times a day and read all the Quran by meaning, that Ramadan I will never forget as it changed my life and my husband’s forever. Since then we have become stronger in our faith I have began to wear a hijab and my husband has kept a beard. He intends to perform Hajj next year Insha Allah and I pray that Allah calls for me and makes a way for me too as I have three young sons whom we are trying to in our best ability to bring them up as the Quran and the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) has told us to. I have made it my life to gain knowledge about the Islamic way of life and pray that we all get Allah’s guidance before it is too late. My message to all my Muslim brothers and sisters is to not just recite the Quran but actually understand the message Allah has sent for all mankind through the Prophet asa guidance to us to save us from the punishment of the hellfire, and for us to be successful in achieving Allah’s mercy and heaven as a reward. Ameen

Holy Quran 72:13And that when we heard the guidance, we believed in it; so whoever believes in his Lord, he should neither fear loss nor being overtaken (by disgrace).

Yusuf Abdullah [Joseph Zammit]

Since childhood I was gifted with the sincere love for God and I was very sensitive to spiritual/religious things. I used to re-tell the stories about the saints to my mother while she was doing the housework. I spent my time reading the life stories of saints and the prophets in the Old Testament, as well I was highly fascinated with Jesus (Peace be on him). In my late teens, about 17 years old, this childhood fascination took a drastic turn when a priest gave me a copy of the Plain Truth magazine. Immediately curious, I embarked on a correspondence course in Bible study.

Slowly but surely I was becoming aware of something beautiful in the Bible which was missing. I could not accept the teachings of the church anymore as they did not inspire me at all. I couldn’t understand how and why our society is so anti-Christian in its values. Religion was for inside the church only! On the other hand, I wanted to seek the inner, true teachings of the prophets and of Jesus (Peace on them all) in particular. I started using the Psalms as my daily prayers and for the first time I got satisfaction and power from prayers so much that tears would flow down my cheeks.

As my thirst and hunger increased, I started studying various mystical paths, as well as psychology. I started reading Tibetan Buddhism, as well as the Sufis who made a very good impression on me, but I brushed them aside as being Muslims. I studied the Hindu mystics, the Upanishads, the Bhagavad Gita,

then on to the Theosophists, Buddhism, Zen and Tao yoga. During these years I used to correspond with initiates in these religions in the UK.

Simultaneously, I started studying Gnosticism, and thisreverted me back to the Bible studies. I studied a lot of good books by Jewish scholars as well as international Bible scholars about many contradictions in the Bible. Next thing was that I contacted various Rosicrucian Orders and being a member in a couple of them. The Rosicrucians claim to be gnostic and freemasons and they promise the initiate to receive Cosmic Power etc. I was still going back, every now and then, to Sufi philosophy and mysticism and still was impressed and attracted by their simplicity and inner love for Allah. The Sufis touched my heart as nothing else did. In 1986 I decided to cut off my name and membership in the Catholic Church. I did this officially through the legal methods available. This was one of the most challenging things I did, alhamdulillah.

In 1989 I made contact with an Indian Master of high standing and was initiated. This Path is purely mystical and within the folds of the Sikh religion. At last, I said this is it. I was initiated into it for 11 whole years when I started to see similarities in the teachings to Sufi teachings, which I kept interested in. This was very interesting and I started investigating further the issue. I found out, to my amazement and satisfaction, that the Path was influenced, way back in the 16th century, by Sufi teachings and mysticism. Interest again flared up within me regarding the Sufis and so decided to go back to the roots of it, therefore studying more deeply the Sufi Way, which more and more was influencing me. The great obstacle was that real Sufis were Muslims—or worked within the Islamic religion. I found many so called Internationalsufi orders which were neutral to religion but these I wasn’t attracted to. I kept on asking why do I have to be a Muslim in order to be asufi ? To become a Muslim is considered as a big ‘treason’ in a Catholic country like Malta. At this period in my life, I increased my prayers fervently and the yearning within me exploded. To my amazement and bewilderment, I found myself reading the Quran, the Holy scripture that is obviously so close to what Jesus taught, as well as the Old testament Prophets, that I laughed at myself for having missed it (or bypassed it) in my studies.

Reading the Holy Quran was the pivot in my life. I started exploring the Pillars of Islam and by the help and mercy of Allah I gathered strength enough to embrace Islam on Laylat-u-l-Qadr in year 2000. My studies of Sufis became deeper and I made contact with a couple of Tariqas, employing their daily wasifas and dhikr.

AFTERTHOUGHT

Here I must emphasise the real cause behind my whole life. Since childhood I wanted God and God alone. Whatever Prophet, Guru,Master I met with, it was only for the glory of God. God was and still is my aim, my life, my breath. Since childhood, I always thought about death. Being rich, having a nice family, being healthy, having a beautiful wife etc etc…so what? I have to die, then…? Therefore, I was sincere and took life seriously. I used to pray and pray and cry “Oh Allah! If I succeed in findingYou just before I die, my whole life would have been a success!” Going through life, in all its materialistic attractions and deviations, still my heart pointed towards God.

Having arrived at the stage where I was a candidate student in one of the oldest Sufi Schools, I thought now this is really it. But Allah knows best. This year [2002], one week before embarking for the Hajj, casually I met a Muslim couple from UK at the local masjid. I had a very good conversation with them and in the night they gave me some books to read. I realised they were from theshia . I was so fascinated by one of the books they gave me that I made it a point to contact them at the Hotel next morning, but alas! They had flown back home. I went to the Hajj fully convinced that theshia are the true Muslims. So, I advise anyone to keep himself/herself open and let God do the work. We must have yearning, longing and be sincere in our prayers, then Allah does it all.

Your brother in Islam

Holy Quran 2:97 Say: Whoever is the enemy of Jibreel-- for surely he revealed it to your heart by Allah’s command, verifying that which is before it and guidance and good news for thebelievers.

Abdul-Lateef Abdullah (Steven Krauss)

My journey to Islam - How Malay martial arts led a theologically dissatisfied American Protestant to Islam.

My experience in Islam began as a graduate student in New York City in 1998. Up to that point in my life, for 25 years, I had been a Protestant Christian, but had not been practicing my religion for quite some time. I was more interested in “spirituality” and looking for anything that didn’t have to do with organized religion. To me, Christianity was out of touch and not relevant to the times. It was hard for me to find anything in it that I could apply to my everyday life. This disillusion with Christianity led me to shun everything that claimed to be organized religion, due to my assumption that they were all pretty much the same, or at least in terms of their lack of relevance and usefulness.

Much of my frustration with Christianity stemmed from its lack of knowledge and guidance around the nature of God, and the individual’s relationship to Him. To me, the Christian philosophy depends on this rather bizarre intermediary relationship that we are supposed to have with Jesus, who on one hand was a man, but was also divine. For me, this difficult and very vague relationship with our Creator left me searching for something that could provide me with a better understanding of God, and our relationship to Him. Why couldn’t I just pray directly to God? Why did I have to begin and end every prayer with “in the name of Jesus Christ?” How can an eternal, omnipotent Creator and Sustainer also take the form of a man? Why would He need to? These were just a few of the questions that I could not resolve and come to terms with. Thus, I was hungry for a more straightforward and lucid approach to religion that could provide my life with true guidance, not just dogma that was void of knowledge based in reason.

While in graduate school I had a Jewish roommate who was a student of the martial arts. While I was living with him he was studying an art called silat, a traditional Malaysian martial art that is based on the teachings of Islam. When my roommate would come home from his silat classes he would tell me all about the uniqueness of silat and its rich spiritual dimension. As I was quite interested in learning martial arts at the time, I was intrigued by what I had heard, and decided to accompany my roommate to class one Saturday morning. Although I did not realize it at the time, my experience in Islam was beginning that morning at my first silat class in New York City back on February 28th, 1998. There I met my teacher, Cikgu (which means teacher in Malay) Sulaiman, the man who would first orient me to the religion of Islam. Although I thought I was beginning a career as a martial artist, that day back in 1998 actually represented my first step toward becoming Muslim.

From the very beginning I was intrigued by silat and Islam and began spending as much time as possible with my teacher. As my roommate and I were equally passionate about silat, we would go to my teacher’s house and soak up as much knowledge as we could from him. In fact, upon our completing graduate school in the spring of 1998, upon his invitation, we spent the entire summer living with him and his wife. As my learning in silat increased, so did my learning about Islam, a religion that I had hardly any knowledge of prior to my experience in silat.

What made my orientation to Islam so powerful was that as I was learning about it, I was also living it.Because I studied at the home of my teacher, being in the presence of devout Muslims allowed me to be constantly surrounded by the sounds, sights and practices of Islam. For as Islam is an entire lifestyle, when you are in an Islamic environment, you cannot separate it out from everyday life. Unlike Christianity, which lends toward a separation between daily life and religion, Islam requires its’ followers to integrate worship of Allah into everything we do. Thus, in living with my teacher, I was immersed in the Islamic deen (lifestyle) and experiencing first-hand how it can shape one’s entire way of life.

In the beginning Islam was very different and powerful to me. It was also very foreign in many ways and the amount of discipline it requires was difficult to understand. At the time I was liberal in many ways, and was used to shunning anything dogmatic or imposed, regardless of where it came from! As time went on, however, and my understanding of Islam grew, I began to slowly see that what seemed to be religious dogma was really a lifestyle put forth to us by our Creator. This lifestyle, I would later learn, is the straight path to true contentment, not just the sensual and superficial way of life that my society and culture promote. I realized that the question is quite simple actually. Who could possibly know better what the best way of life is for human beings than the all-wise Creator?

From that first silat class in New York City to the day I took my shahadda, July 30, 1999, I had undergone a thorough self-examination that was comprised of two major processes. One was to question the culture of the society I was brought up in, and the second was to question the role I wanted religion to play in my everyday life. As for my culture, this one was not as difficult as most people would think.

American culture is highly influential on how we see life because it constantly bombards us with sensual gratification aimed at appealing to our worldly desires. In America happiness is defined by what we have and consume, thus, the entire culture is geared toward the marketplace. Unless we are removed from this type of environment it is difficult to see it’s drawbacks, which are based on worshipping and putting faith in everything but God, the only One that can provide us with real, lasting contentment in our lives.

Being a social scientist by trade, much of my professional time is spent trying to address the social ills of our society. As I learned more about Islam, I came to the conclusion that many societal ills are based on unhealthy social behaviour. Since Islam is a lifestyle focused totally on the most healthy, positive way of conducting our lives in every setting, then it is, and will always be, the only real answer to any of society’s social dilemmas. With this realization, not only did I decide that Islam was relevant to my everyday life, but I began to understand why it is so different from other religions. Only Islam provides knowledge and guidance for every aspect of life. Only Islam provides a way to achieve health and happiness in every dimension of life – physical, spiritual, mental, financial, etc. Only Islam provides us with a clear life goal and purpose. And only Islam shows us the proper way to live in and contribute to a community. Islam is what everyone needs, and what so many who have not found it yet, are searching for. It is the path to purpose, meaning, health and happiness. This is because it is the straight path to the source of truth and real power – Allah.

It was only until I actually became Muslim that I realized just how encompassing the Islamic lifestyle is. Literally everything we do has one underlying purpose – to remember Allah. The lifestyle provides us with the way – not just the understanding – but an actual method of constantly remembering our Creator in as simple an act as greeting someone, or getting dressed in the morning, or waking up from sleep. Islam shows us that by remembering Allah, everything we do becomes focused on Him, and thus becomes an act of worship. From this, our energy, our thoughts, and our actions all become redirected away from unhealthy and uselesscauses, and focused on the source of all goodness. Thus, we are continuously tapping into His divine strength, mercy and grace. So, by remembering Allah constantly, we become stronger and healthier in every aspect of our lives and not distracted by self-defeating thoughts and behaviours.

There still remain some minor aspects of Islam that have proven to be somewhat difficult adjustments for me. Nevertheless, I thank Allah everyday for the ease to which he has allowed me to make the necessary changes in my life so that I can continue to live in America and still be, Insha-Allah, a good Muslim. As a white, middle-class American, many cultural aspects of Islam are quite different from the way in which I grew up. In fact, when I finally broke the news to my family that I had become Muslim, almost all of their questions and concerns were related to cultural differences – marriage, social life, family, etc. They were much less concerned about my general beliefs about God and religious practice. For my family, friends, and co-workers, becoming Muslim was not seen necessarily as a negative change, but it has required a great deal of education about Islam.

Because acquiring knowledge is a critical component to a Muslim’s development, having a teacher who has taught me how to apply Islam in everyday life has made all the difference in managing whatever difficulties I have experienced from my reversion. Having someone knowledgeable you can turn to whenever you have questions is a wonderful support that every new shahada should go out of their way to find. Islam is not a religion that can be rationalized, in the way that Christianity and Judaism are. It is a clear path that must be followed just as Allah has laid out for us through the Qur’an and the lives of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.), his companions, and the saints of Islam.

In this day and age, in this society, discerning the path can often be difficult, especially when we are constantly faced with questions and doubts from people who on the surface may not be hostile to Islam, but whose general lack of faith can have a harmful effect on someone who bases everything they do on their love for Allah. It is also not easy being in an environment where we are constantly bombarded with sensual temptations that are seen as ordinary, common aspects of everyday life. But when we have the support of a knowledgeable, experienced teacher, who is able to apply the universal teachings of Islam to his life, then the truth becomes clear from error, exactly how Allah (SWT) describes in the Qur’an. From this, we are able to understand how to apply Islam correctly to our own lives, and Insha-Allahreceive Allah’s many blessings. The ultimate test, however, of anyone who claims to have true and right knowledge, is to look at how they apply it in their own lives. If their actions support their teachings, then and only then should we look to them forguidance.

My journey to Islam has been a life-altering experience. It is one that with every passingday, makes me more and more appreciative and thankful to Almighty Allah. The extent of His mercy can only fully be understood from the perspective of a Muslim – one who prostrates regularly and submits their will to that of the Creator.

I look back at my life prior to Islam and reflect on the different ways I sought guidance. I think back to all the different ideas I once had of who God really is, and how we can become close to Him. I look back now with a smile and perhaps even a tear because now I know the truth. Through Islam, I know why so many people who do not believe have so much fear inside them.

Life can be very scary without God. I know, because I once harboured that same level of fear. Now, however, I have the ultimate “self-help” program. It’s the self-help program without the self. It’s the path that puts everything is in its proper place. Now, life makes sense. Now, life is order. Now, I know why I am here, where I want to go, what I want my life to be, how I want to live, and what is most important not just to me, but to everyone. I only hope and pray that others who have not found the path yet, can feel the same that I do. Ya arhama rahimeen wal hamdulillahi rabbil aylameen…

Holy Quran 3:96 Most surely the first house appointed for men is the one at Bekka, blessed anda guidance for the nations.

Sister Mardiyyah

I am a forty seven year old wife, mother of three and grandmother of one. I was born & brought up as a Methodist Christian. As a child I wasChristened and sent to Sunday school, even becoming a Sunday school teacher. Both at Sunday school & day school I always came top in religious instruction exams. Even then though, I remember thinking that I wished I could really believe and accept Christianity wholeheartedly, but I always felt that something was wrong or something missing. Why if there was only one God did we worship Jesus? How if God was not human could he have a Son? Why did we refer to God as three- the Holy Trinity? As far as I was concerned God was God, on his own – Full Stop! My father’sfamily were not practising Christians but my mothers were. My great grandfather had even been responsible for the setting up of the Methodist Chapel in his village. This was the same chapel I attended and where my family were very well known and always treated with the utmost respect.

After I met my future husband, who told me he was an atheist, I stopped attending Chapel and teaching at the Sunday school. Over the next few years my husband & I had three children and like a lot of people I followed the traditions of my family and had them christened and sent them to Sunday school. I may not have agreed wholeheartedly with Christianity but I had nothing better to offer them. I attended weddings, christenings & burials and some Easter & Christmas Services and Chapel Anniversary Services, always thinking that I really wanted to believe more than I did and always feeling something was missing.

Having three children my life was always busy and I didn’t really give much thought to religion on a day to day basis but then about fifteen years ago I became involved in local politics. Attending a party political conference, one of my fellow delegates was a Doctor, a Bangladeshi Muslim. We struck up a friendship and would talk, not just about Politics but many other things including religion. I had for some time admired things like Islamic buildings and art, I also liked the clothing that Indian women (not necessarily Muslim wore –Salwar Kameez, particularly the printed fabrics and scarves). From the few things I had learnt about Islam and Muslims from newspapers etc. I could see that my colleague was a pretty poor Muslim. I found out that he only prayed once a day, didn’t fast, and hadn’t been on Hajj, but this somehow got to me and I started reading anything and everything I could find about Islam.

Over the next ten or twelve years I had periods when I would read extensively and periods when I wouldn’t give it a thought. I quickly began to admire the ethics of Muslim families, the way children were taught respect for their elders, the way they all spoke up for each other. I also began to feel the need to speak up forthem, it always appeared they were the ones to be persecuted.

About three years ago I realised that I was spending more and more time thinking about Islam and that without realising it I would steer conversations with friends around to this subject. I also noted that I was very slowly changing my own habits, dressing more discreetly, not drinking, praying (not as a Muslim), something I had not done for a very long time. I then found myself saying this is ridiculous I am not a Muslim I am a Christian and I would go out of my way to convince myself of this. I changed my job and went to work in London for the first time and made sure that I always went out with colleagues to bars and restaurants after work, I bought more showy clothes, I am sorry to say that I neglected my familyduties, I was too tired to do housework and cooking. My husband & sons (my daughter had by now gone to University and set up home on her own) had to fend for themselves. My Muslim friend asked why I was doing this to my family and I told him about my feelings for Islam, I guess he wasn’t all bad as his response was to buy me an English translation of the Qu’ran. I was hooked!

January 2001 I made one last attempt to convince myself that I was not a Muslim, I changed my job again.This time to work for a West End theatre producer, even more partying. But it didn’t work and I quickly realised that I was making myself physically sick. I developed several different illnesses all with symptoms brought about (according to my doctor) by stress. I was taking several types of medication. One day at the beginning of September 2001 I was reading the Qu’ran when without realising what I was doing I said the Shahadah to myself and felt the most wonderful sense of completeness and a serenity I had never felt before. I made the decision there and then that I would find somewhere to really learn how to become a Muslim and to say Shahadah again, but this time in front of witnesses. My only worry was how I would find the courage and words to tell my family of my decision. I had been married for twenty-eight years by now but still didn’t really know what my husband’s beliefs were or how any of my family would react.

Imagine my horror therefore and I am sorry to say the anger I felt when I came back from lunch on 11th September to be confronted with pictures on the Internet of the planes flying into the world trade centre. Over the next few days and weeks I would hear people say that all Muslims were alike and that they should all be thrown out of the country etc, etc. I found myself defending them saying not all Muslims were terrorists any more than all Roman Catholics supported the IRA and were we going to throw out all Irish people. I soon realised however that nowwas not the time to break my news . I decided to keep it to myself. Ramadam came and I remembered that I had just a couple of months earlier imagined I would be fasting. I spent Christmas with my family as I have always done, this year cooking for twenty people. I travelled to Scotland two days before New Year only to spendnew years eve travelling back to England, as I was unwell. We arrived home with fifteen minutes to spare before midnight and I made a resolution that I would give up my job in London and work part time locally so that I would have time to learn Arabic and really make the effort to become a good Muslim.

I decided to write to two local Mosques. I desperately wanted to learn how to pray as a Muslim but knew that I couldn’t just walk into a Mosque. I was terrified I would do something wrong and really offend someone or that they would be really un-welcoming. I got no response from either of my letters. One day however I found a book with a rough outline of a prayer in – I think the book was meant for school children- but anyhow I followed the instructions and prayed. I knew then I had made the right decision. I also knew I had to find the courage to tell my family, but how? It was at this time that I sent two emails which were to be the most important of my life. One was to a site for new converts and one was to an Islamic Centre in a nearby town. To my amazement they were both answered. Within two weeks of this I was to meet two amazing groups of people who welcomed me into their midst. Within a month I had said Shahadah in front of witnesses as I had hoped for.

I was now a Muslim and somehow I had to find a way of telling my family. I now had a son in law and a grandson as well as my own children.A Jewish son in law in fact albeit non-practising. One evening when I was reading the Qu’ran, before I had had a chance to tell my husband he asked when I was going to change my faith. He was very shocked to begin with but we talked and I told him how happy I felt and that I hoped he would try to understand and to find out why I had come to this decision. I think he has coped amazingly well especially as I had felt a need to wear Hijab almost immediately, probably because it has taken me so many years to get this far.

My children seem to have accepted the changes I have made, although like their father they find the wearing of Hijab rather strange but they are persevering and have actually commented on how much happier and relaxed I seem.

My son in law has actually been the one who has so far shown the most interest, asking questions about various aspects, and although he has reservations about explaining to my grandson why I wear a scarf and his own mother doesn’t, he is trying hard to be accepting. Unfortunately it has been my daughter who is most against it. Unfortunately some years ago she had a relationship of her own with a Muslim guy who didn’t treat her very well and I feel this has coloured her judgement.

As for my husband we have now talked and I have found that his own beliefs are not that dissimilar to my own, but he just believes that religion should be private and that in this modern age we should keep our beliefs to ourselves and not go out of our way to make our beliefs obvious to others i.e. wearing Hijab.

Slowly our lives are changing, there are those who say I should move quicker and can’t do this or that any more, but I know my family and if I want them to accept Islam for themselves I know I have to be patient.

Holy Quran 42:23 That is of which Allah gives the good news to His servants, (to) those who believe and do good deeds. Say: I do not ask of you any reward for it but love for my near relatives; and whoever earns good, We give him more of good therein; surely Allah is Forgiving, Grateful.