Lesson 11: Friendship
One of the emotional needs of a human being is that of companionship or friendship. A friend is a person with whom you have a strong bond based on love. Two good friends become pillars of support for each other, helping each other, sharing problems and providing sympathy, understanding and affection for each other. They become assets in the each other's lives.
Without friends, a human being is destined to live a life of solitude. Emptiness fills the heart of such a person and he finds himself alone in times of need. The emotional burden involved is great and is recognized as pitiful by all people.
Islam as a complete code of life, recognizes this need for friends and encourages it followers to not only maintain cordial relations with all people but to also seek and develop constructive friendships with those who connect with us on an emotional level.
Friendships should be developed from childhood and youth. A friend influences you in many ways and therefore the kind of company you keep is extremely important. You will have realized that friend is someone special on whom you have a deeper trust then your other acquaintances.
Friends tend to share ideas, opinions, likes and dislikes. They enjoy and prefer each other's company above all else, and as their friendship grows, so does their respect and love for each other.
Because of this strong emotional attachment, a friend may also influence and sway the opinions or decisions that the other makes. People have made decisions that affect their entire lives based on the advice of a friend and it is for this reason that Islam tell us to be careful in our choice of companions.
It best to have friends who think like you and who possess good qualities that you can hope to adopt from them. If you choose a pious and principled friend, chances are that he or she will give you good advice when you are confused and prevent you from making hasty decisions that you may later regret.
Imam Ali (a.s.) has said:
"Avoid friendship with bad (character) people because you will be affected by them although you may be influenced without your knowledge."
Once you have bonded with a person, it is difficult to realize their faults and chance are that even if someone points them out to you, you will deny it. For this reason, it is recommended to assess the character of a potential friend before you allow yourself to become too close and emotion overrides logic.
We read in many books that a common problem amongst teenagers and youth today is that of Peer pressure. This just means the influence that your age-mates have over you. Hundreds of young people adopt vices like drugs, alcohol, smoking etc. only because their friends tell them it is 'cool' to do so. They want to fit in and feel pressured into joining the majority. By the time they want to stop, they may have wasted years of their life or worse it may be too late to break free of the habit.
Islam deals with this by instructing a youth to be aware of who is and why he exists. Once a young person realizes that his aim in life is to gain the pleasure of Allah (S.W.T.) then the groups and gangs hold no attraction for him and he does not feel the need to be accepted them.
In addition to this, he will avoid them because he knows that Islam recommends friends of good morals and character and people with such vices do not make good constructive friends.
The emphasis on the quality of the friend you choose is so great that although isolation is not a pleasing state, many ahadith of our Prophet (s.a.w.w.) and Aimmah (a.s.) tell us that in the event of being unable to find a moral friend, one should choose to maintain solitude rather than keep the company of immoral individuals.
First Test then Trust
Friendships built hastily on first impressions can easily collapse at the first sign of problems. Make sure that you first get to know the person you want to befriend before trusting him otherwise you may find that the secrets you share with him are exposed to the world.
Talking with people, seeing how they react in different circumstance, how well they associate with others all helps you to assess their character. It has been mentioned in ahadith that if you observe that a person has reason to be angry and maintains his composure at such a time, doing this on three separate occasions then he deserves to be a friend. Of course this is only one admirable quality and friendship must be based on others in addition to this.
Imam Ali (a.s.) has said:
"Whoever chooses his friend after knowing him will be able to continue the friendship (i.e. it will last)"
I. Seeking a Friend
We have spoken of the good moral character that a friend should possess but let us also emphasize that the person we choose must also be spiritually and emotionally inclined towards Allah (S.W.T.). There are plenty of people - non- Muslims, Polytheists and even Atheists - who have good manners and loyal characters but the spiritual influence such people would have close friends is destructive to our Imaan.
Sometimes a person who has been deprived of affection and love in his family may latch onto the first individual who offers him this warmth. Such a step may cause him more harm than good if the person he befriends takes him away from Allah (S.W.T.). Remember to ask yourself if such or similar emotions are prompting you to make a friend who is otherwise unsuitable for you.
A true friend is one you can trust to always warn you when you stray away from Allah (S.W.T.) and who will walk upright with you on the Path towards ultimate success.
A. Qualities to look for
Because Allah (S.W.T.) has created the human nature and the feeling of friendship between people, He is also the Best suited to advise us on how to recognize a person who will make a good friend. Therefore, we have been told to look for these qualities in a potential friend:
1. Wisdom and Knowledge:
A friend must be Aaqil (wise) according to Islam. Those who are not wise may through their ideas and action harm you and put your dignity at risk together with their own.
Imam al-Sajjad (a.s.) advised his son saying:
" Avoid friendship with an ignorant person because he may want to benefit you but because of his ignorance, he will end up harming you."
Islam cautions us to avoid friendship with characters who are rash, unreasonable, short tempered and unstable in their emotions. When in school or college, it is a good idea to avoid those who do not take their studies seriously no matter how popular they are.
Remember, after you leave the school each of you will go your own way and how you perform your studies will affect the rest of your life and career. Ask yourself whether failing will be worth the few hours of popularity you may have.
2. Sincerity and Good Principles
The person you choose to befriend should be sincere in his actions and uphold the principles of Islam. If he is the sort of person who compromises his relationship with Allah (S.W.T.) then what is to say that he would not compromise your relationship which is infinitely less important when compared to Him?
A principled friend will know his duties to you and respect and uphold both because you are a fellow brother and because you are a friend. His loyalty will be unquestionable.
3. Pleasant Character
A pleasant character is a most appealing quality in an individual. Someone who is kind, gentle, polite, faithful, reliable and fun to be with is usually the description most people will give of a friend.
It is advisable to seek friends who are good company to be with and with whom you can enjoy the time you spend together. You should share some common interests if your friendship is to survive.
Of course all this does not mean that you should only search for a perfect person to be friends with. It may be impossible to find someone who has all these good qualities and noble attributes and we must be realistic in our assessment of people.
These criteria only serve to give us guideline on what we should look out for and what qualities we should incorporate in ourselves if we are to be good friends also.
Our 6th Imam, Ja'far al-Sadiq (a.s.) has said:
"A good friend gives comfort to the spirit of a human being and grants him success in this world and in the hereafter, just as cool water quenches the thirst of a parched throat."
We should strive to be like this cool water to our friends if we expect them to the same for us.
B. Qualities to Avoid
Just as there are certain basic good manners we should search for in our friends, so we must avoid both befriending those with the following bad qualities and having these qualities ourselves.
1. Selfishness
A selfish person will always think of himself before you. He will do whatever benefits him without thinking of its consequence on you and such a person does not deserve to have friends.
Our Holy Prophet (s.a.w.w.) has said of such people:
"There is no good in a person who does not like for you what he likes for himself."
2. Pride
People who are proud can never be true friends because they will always think themselves as being superior than you. They will look down upon you and your ideas if these disagree with their views and try to demean you. Such a friendship will have no equality or loyalty in it since the proud person will believe they are always right and will think that they are doing you a favour by being your friend.
3. Wickedness
People who cannot control themselves and who commit sins constantly without hesitation are on a downward spiral towards self-destruction. Avoid them or else you might find yourself caught up in the flow and unable to escape.
These people bring nothing into a friendship except empty promises and negative influences. Imam Muhammad al-Jawad (a.s.) has warned us: " Such wicked people are similar to a poisoned sword which looks beautiful but leaves behind a harmful (dangerous) influence."
4. Gossip
We have been warned to avoid friendship with gossips as they can speak about us and disclose our secrets to others just as easily as they tell us about other peoples affairs.
Imam al-Sadiq (a.s.) has said:
"Keep aloof from slanderers because those who speak ill of others in front of you may one day speak ill of you to others." In this group of gossips are also included liars, flatterers, traitors, misers and those who have a rude manner and speak in abusive language.
II. Duties of a Friend
Having described the qualities we should look for and avoid in a friend, let us know look at the relationship of friends and see what duties Islam has laid down to ensure that a friendship is as equal and beneficial to both parties involved as possible. Some of these duties include:
1. Respecting each others rights
It is necessary for a person to consider his friend as an extension of himself. He must like for him what he likes for himself and the same with his dislikes. Misusing the friendship and taking advantage of a friend's emotional or physical rights is not encouraged.
In his Wasiyat (Will), Imam Ali (a.s.) said to his son Imam Hassan (a.s.): "Do not take advantage of the rights of your brother by misusing the name of friendship because this can ultimately lead to loosing him as a friend. By taking advantage of his rights, your brother in faith will no longer remain your brother."
One of the definite rights of a friend over you is that you respect his opinions. While there may be no barriers in your friendship, this respect must be maintained. As long as your friend is acting according to Islam, you should not ridicule his ideas.
Imam al-Sajjad (a.s.) says:
"As it is the duty of your friend to respect you, it is also your duty to respect him."
2. Extending a helping hand
The adage "A friend in need is a friend indeed" goes perfectly with what Islam advises in a friendship. A friend should be the kind of person who is always willing to help you in anyway possible even it is with providing a sympathetic ear. In turn, you too should be willing to sacrifice time, energy and finance to help a friend.
3. Do not demand
Speaking of the aspect of sacrifice, we must realize that while we can ask for help and support from a friend, we should not impose our needs on them. Expecting too much or demanding more than your friend can conveniently offer is a sign of selfishness.
4. Being Loyal
Loyalty is the glue that holds a friendship together. It is what supports a relationship through thick and thin. To be a true friend, you must be loyal. It goes without saying this does not mean that you should put your loyalty to your friend above your loyalty to Allah (S.W.T.).
Once, the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.w.) was walking and came across an old man.
He stopped to greet him ad inquired about his health. When his companions saw this, they asked him why he had treated the strange man in this manner.
The Prophet (s.a.w.w.) replied, "When Khadija was alive, this man used to visit us." He continued by saying that one of the signs of Imaan is to respect one's old friends.
As a conclusion to the duties of a friend let us study a hadith of Imam Ja'far al- Sadiq (a.s.) where he says:
" There are certain conditions to being a good friend. Whoever qualifies in all of them is indeed considered to be a noble companion and whosoever does not qualify in even one of them cannot be considered a true friend. They are:
a) His interior (character) and exterior (actions) should be the same i.e. he should not be a hypocrite.
b) He should be able to evaluate your goodness as his own goodness and your faults as his own faults.
c) If he attains more power, wealth or status, he attitude towards you should not change.
d) Whatever your friendship requires, he should try his utmost to give to it. e) He should not abandon you in times of difficulty."
III. Limits in Friendship
As in all things in Islam, friendship too must have its moderate boundaries. Exceeding these may lead to regret if things don't work out. Every friendship must be based on rational thought. Getting carried away by our emotions - which may very easily happen especially in youth - leads us to do foolish things. The following three things should be avoided in any friendship:
1. Excessive Trust
We discussed earlier that when selecting a friend, we must first test the character of person and then trust them. When we take this second step, however, we must do it gradually and with care. No matter how much we observe a person before becoming close to them, we can never know them fully.
Trust must come in small things first and then more delicate issues. And even then, Islam advises never to tell EVERYTHING to a friend. You do not what the future holds for you and it possible that if your friend knows your deepest secret, he may use them against you in anger or that your friendship may break and he may use the information against you in spite.
Keep your innermost secrets between yourself and your Lord because you cannot trust anyone as much as Him. Imam Ali (a.s.) says:
"Show all kindness to your friend but do not show him full trust. Assist him as much as you can but do not reveal all your secrets to him."
2. Fanaticism
It is easy to be blind to the faults of a good friend. We should take great care not to fall into this trap. All humans are imperfect and just as we recognize that we are not perfect, we must also realize that our friends too possess flaws. While we should not hunt for the weaknesses of our friends, we cannot ignore them and pretend they do not exist - especially when they are in regards to morals and Islamic principles.
Imam Ali (a.s.) has warned us:
"Loving something (one) makes you blind and deaf (to its faults)." In another hadith of the Aimmah (a.s.) we are told: "A believer is a mirror to his fellow being." This basically means that we must reflect to our friends what hey are to us and when they fall short we must be there to warn them and help them up. We should expect the same of them.
Friends are complements, helping each other to reach perfection and making the task easier by providing companionship. The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.w.) has said: "Two good friends are like a pair of hands; as they wash, they clean each other."
On the other hand, we should also not try to expose the faults of our friends or their shortcomings to others. During the absence of a friend do not speak ill or ridicule him. Harith ibn Awar once came to Imam Ali (a.s.) and said, "O Ameerul Mo'mineen! I am your friend!" Imam (a.s.) then explained a few things a person must abstain from in a friendship. These are:
- Do not dispute with or be hostile towards a friend.
- Do not ridicule him.
- Do not quarrel with him.
- Do not crack indecent jokes with him.
- Do not consider him to be lower than yourself.
3. Excessive Attachment
Friendship bonds formed in youth (and especially between females) usually tend be extremely strong. This is due to excessive loyalty and attachment. It should be avoided because it can have harmful effects on one or both parties e.g.
Concentrating on the friendship may distract the friends from other important issues like school work, family responsibilities, wajibaats etc. If one friend is more attached than the other and the feelings are not equally reciprocated then that person may end up emotionally effected. Being obsessed with a friend makes a person more easily influenced and thus he looses the ability to make logical and unbiased decisions on his own.
The only solution to this is to have a moderate and realistic friendship. Imam Ali (a.s.) in one of his sermons says:
"Your friendship with your friend should be within the limits of moderation because it is possible that one day that friend may become your enemy."
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Author: A Group of Shia Scholars
