Chapter One: General Method Of Training in Family Relation
The family relation has an important role to play in building the family and strengthening the relation among its members, it has effect in the growing and bringing up Childs and conveying him to the stage of independence and perfection.
The thought, psychology and affectionate atmosphere that the family creates for the child gives him the ability to take a serious form in his self, his family and his society. From this point of view, verily the child is in need of training methods to organize its mode of life. Then to urgethe role, the obligatory and precise
the competence to guide the effective relation while commencing the child training. The precise guides to the methods of training are as follows:-
Firsly: Agreement on Joint Method
The adopted method in life that is effective in ones conduct is the one that makes ones faith and internal feelings towards true behavior and change this movement to firmly established custom. Ones habit remains interacting with designated teachings and programs. Unity of method is the criterion and Measures use to elevate ones conduct in terms of far and near teachings and subjected programs.
It is then on the parent to conjoint on a collective method that will identify to both of them, the relations, role and the obligations in different angles.
The Islamic method with its stable laws is the best method necessarily tobe adopted
by Muslim families because it is a divine method stipulated by Allah the most High and the absolute Master on entire life and acquainted with all issues and complicatedness in life.
It is a method that is suitable with human nature, no anyobscure
nor ambiguity in it because there is no responsibility with in-ability. This is a point of acceptance by a Muslim and a Muslim family that all instructions and laws of conduct derivedit's
strengthen and efficient from Allah the most High. This peculiarity makes the family to have the certainty and affirmation right inside him by following this method. Then there is no chance to argueit's
genuine or ineffectiveness.
It is enough to accomplish the felicity in the family that collaborates to give right and fair training to the child. If any disorder or lapses in relationship occurred when observes some of the roles, verily the Islamic method of teaching is there to intervene to put an end to it. The Islamic method has given general laws in dealings, relations, roles and in conduct but branches of the laws or the details of the general laws and its substantial are differs base on the changes of place and time.
It is then incumbent on the parents to concord on the details of the implementations, on laws and criterions that are firmly accepted by both of them, there is no difference in the relation between both of them or the relation between them and the children and that of the method of training that is necessary to apply with them, because difference in ways and methods of dealing with the child will lead to understandable measures and laws of conduct with the child.
The child will then try to be contended with the father one way and the mother the other way, all this leads to the child's psychological,sentimental
and behavioral disorder. The children which were brought up from a home that the parents are not conjoined in training him are always in dilemma than those brought up from a conjoined trained home.
Secondly: Cordial Relations
Among the incumbent duties of the parents is to establish cordiality, stability and tranquility in the family.
The most High said: {and one of His signs is that: He created mates for you from yourselves that you might find rest in them and He ordained between you love and mercy.....}
Relation between husband and wife is cordial and kind relation. This relation pacifies the soul, calm the nerves, tranquil to the soul and comfort to the body.
Cordiality is the bonds that holds the family together and strengthen its formation and its continuity as one entity. Cordiality and blessing leads to exchange of respect and real assistance in solving difficulties and problems that occurs to the family. Cordiality is necessary in order to equilibrate theemotional feelings
in the child. DR. Sapok says: (The child's personal and elementary tranquility is always in need of firm relationship with the parents and both of them (i.e. the parents) need to come together in confronting livesresponsibility
.
It is incumbent on the husband and wife for perpetual cordiality in their relations in all stages. I.e. stages before thechild birth
and the preceding stages. Allah has made cordiality compulsory and perpetual cordiality will be a result to observing His call and nearness to Him.
Imam Ali bn Al-Hussein (peace be upon him) has recommended that and said: "Your Right as herdsman for what you have possess through marriage are: - to know that Allah has made her your dwelling, places of relaxation, intimacy and protector like this it is compulsory for the both of you to praise Allah for His companionship and knows that, that is a benefaction from Him on you.
It is incumbent to make good friendship with this benefaction of Allah, respecther
and be kind with her even though your Right over her is heavier. Your obedience over her is compulsory on what you like and what you dislike which is not sin. Verily she owned the Right of blessing, intimacy, place of relaxation and compliance to your delectation that there is no doubt of it, though that is the most great out of all...."
Verily the Ahlulbait (peacebe
upon them) has focus on perpetual relations, love and intimacy in the family. Their advices directed to every men and women.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "The best among you is he who does well to his wife and I am better than you in doing goods to my wife"
.
Imam Jaafar Ibn Mohammad Assadiq (peace be upon him) said: "May Allah bless a servant that does well between himself and his wife"
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "Whoever takes a wife should honor her"
.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "Jabra'il (peace be upon him) warned me about women until I deem it is not necessary to divorce her except in case of a clear Adultery"
.
The sayings of the Ahlulbait (peacebe
upon them) and their advices in doing goods to women and honoring them is one of the factors that assist the continuation of cordiality, blessing and love.
Already the Ahlulbait (peacebe
upon them) has advice women that will lead to her perpetual cordiality, love and blessing if she adhere to it.
Among it is obedience to her husband.
The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants)said: "If a woman prays five times daily, fast in its month, guides her private part and obeyed her husband, she will enters the Paradise from any door she wishes"
The holy Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "There is no benefit a man enjoys after Islam than a Muslim wife, he feels happy when glance at her, she obeyed him when he commands her, she guides herself and her husband's properties when he is absent from her"
.
The prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) encouraged women to adopt a good method that will lead to her perpetual cordiality and blessing by inducing the husband's heart and his emotion.
(A man came to the Prophet (peacebe
upon him and his descendants) and said: I had a wife, she received me when I enter, she escorted me when I go out, if she saw me in an anxiety she said to me what worried you?If you worried of your provision, verily other than you will take care of it, if you worried about your hereafter, may Allah increases your worries, then the prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "gives her a glad tiding of entering Paradise and said to her: verily you are one of the Allah's employee and she has rewards of seventy Martyrs to you".
In another Narration, Allah the Great and Almighty has employed and she is among the employee of Allah and she has half rewards of a martyr)
.
Imam Mohammad Ibn Ali Al-Baqir (peace be upon him) said: "Women struggles are to possess a good husband"
.
Among the factors that assist in preserving cordiality, likeness and acquiring love of the husband are to be broadmindedness to him and grant all that he wanted.
Imam Jaafar bn Mohammad Assadiq (peace be upon him) said: "The best among your women is she who takes off all her shyness when alone with her husband and wear the shyness when she wears her dress"
.
She opened to her husband with extent of his abdomen, in other words she equilibrate between respects and unburdened.
Imam Ali bn Al-Hussein (peace be upon him) confine the factors that deepened the cordiality and love inside the family and said: "There is no sufficiency for a husband in three things that between him and his wife, they are: - to succeed in attracting her consent, love and her mind, his good conduct with her, his effort to draw her mind with good looking before her sight and his being open handed to her.
And there is no sufficiency for a wife to be successful in three things that is between her and her husband, they are: - to preserve herself from all squalor which will make him leaving trust and rest of mind in her in terms of affectionate and adversity, his reservation so that it will be affectionate on her to be with her in stumble and show him love with fascination and to beautifies herself before him"
.
The cordial relations, blessing and love are necessary in all stages of life especially in pregnancy and breast feeding stages because wife is in need of tranquility and emotional constancy, all that have effect on the embryo and the child in the stage of breast feeding as it will come later in our subsequent discussion.
Thirdly: Observance ofThe
Right and The Obligations
Islamic system has stipulated Rights and Obligations for the spouses and observing it has a surety of spreading constancy and tranquility in the family's atmosphere. Then the restriction from both spouses with stipulated Rights and obligations will contributes to the deepening their periods, strengthening their peaceful relationship and refutes all kinds of probable tensions and enmity which have negative impacts on the role of the equilibral emotional feelings of the child.
Guardianship is the most important Right of the male spouse, Allah the most High said: {Men are in charge of women, because Allah has made some of them to excel others, and because they spend out of their property (for the support of women).}
.
Then it is compulsory to the wife to observe this Right because family will not move without guardianship. Men's guardianship is the appropriate for the natural differences in body andemotional feelings
of both spouses. She needs to observe this guardianship in her dealings with the children and to made them feel the position of their father.
The next important Right after guardianship is the assertion in the sayings of the Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) while answering question of a woman that asked about the Right of husband over the women and he (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "to obeyed him and not to disobeyed him, don't be on voluntary fasting without his consent, don't prevent him of herself even though she is at the back of camel and don't go out of his house except his permission"
.
Among the right of the male spouse the Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) said:" Right of the male spouse on the women is to switch on the lamp, to prepare the meals, to welcome and receive him at the door of her house, to provide him with wash basin and handkerchief, to purify him and not to prevent him of herself except any reason"
For the important of observing this Right the Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "Women has not fulfill the Right of Allah until she has fulfill the Right of her husband"
.
Islamic system has also laid down the Right of the wife that is compulsory to the husband to observe.
On authority of Imam Jaafar bn Mohammad Assadiq (peace be upon him) why answering the question of Ishaq bn Ammar regards the Right of women on her husband, he (peace be upon him) said: "He should satisfies her stomach, to shroud her dead body and forgives her ignorance"
The holy Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) answered a question asked by khulat bint Al Aswad regards the Rights of women, he (peace be upon him and his descendant) said: "to feed you with what he eats is your Right on him, to clothes you with what he wears with, not to slap you and not to shout on you"
.
Among her right is for the husband to honor her and his good companionship with her. The Commander of the Faithful (peace be upon him) in his Will to Mohammad bn Hanafiyah said: "Verily women is a sweet basin, she is not a house keeper, then revolve her in all condition, and make good companionship with her to purify your livings"
.
Among the Right of the wife and the rest members of the families is to satisfy their material needs. The holy Prophet (peacebe
upon him and his descendants) said:
"Who struggles for his families, is like those that fight the holy war (Jihad) for the sake of Allah"
.
He (peacebe
upon him and his descendants) said: "Woe on to those that forfeit his families"
.
He (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "The women's Right on her husband is to obstruct her hunger, to cover her nakedness and not to distort her presence, by Allah if the husband does that he has observed her Right"
.
Compliance to the Right of the male spouse by the wife and that of the female spouse by the husband is compulsory as it leads to constancy of the family's atmosphere, the positive reaction will made the both spouses to work towards the bless of the family and that of the children. Constancy of the women during pregnancy stage,breast feeding
and the early infancy has effect on the baby's constancy and his tranquility. Moving towards the light of that premeditated from advices,guidance
and orientation will originate personal independence in the child in terms of his thought, emotional feelings and his ways of life.
Fourthly: AbstainanceFrom
Instigating Problems and Differences
The problems and differences in the family will create tense and constricted atmosphere, threatening the family's constancy and firmness.It may even in most cases leads to splitting and destroying the marital relation of the family which will be the cause of anxiety to the whole members of the family especially the children where as the differences and the constricted situation between the parents will lead to the draw back of the child stability and emotional in-balance in all the stages of his life commencing from the early stage of his pregnancy, his infancy and other preceding stages.
The intense atmosphere leave its impact on the child's future personality (verily the behaviorism unrest and psychological ailments that affected the child in his early stage and his future old age is a result of wrong dealing of the parents like material friction which create tense in family's atmosphere that do seize the child's psychological safety)
Scholar Jirard Fujan says: (The mother in the house who did not possess enough discretion as a human being, mother and wife will not be able to induce the feelings of security)
.
Feeling secured and constancy are the most important factors for the child's personality and his prudent building but in a condition where there is a continuous differences and tense this feeling seize to exist while the child will be in a state of dilemma and perplex ion, in this type of situation,
he
don't know what to do, he is not able to stop the conflict and the controversy especially if it is accompanied with violence, he can't take stand with one of the parent nor the other. In addition in order to take the child near to every one of them, they will try to establish their Right by accusing the opposite side for initiating the problems and the differences, all this leaves a dark point in the mind, brain and in the wishes of the child.
DR. Sapoksays:
(Verily the psychological clinics witness thousand of situation from the children that were brought up from the midst of the family that are full of severe differences, those children feel differ from other human beings at their old age and lost trust from their soul. They fear of establishing sound emotional relations because he deem the meaning of formation of family was to create differences between each other in the house and exchange of humiliation)
These types of differences and constrictions that do occur differ from one family to the other and ways of expressing constrict in the family.
It can be harsh,abusive
and continuous humiliations and it may be beatings and physical punishment. The child at his own side will pick up allthese practices
that occurred as a result of the differences in the family and reflect in his present and future ways of life. That is why we see some child humiliating or even beating their mothers or applies the same method with his wife at his old age.
In order to protect this constrictions and differences between the two spouses or to reduces its psychological and emotional effects or to curtail and put an end to it, Islam has laid down a perfect method to remove the differences and constrictions. It has passed in the previous point which was emphasizing deepen of cordiality and blessing with in the family and had laid down programs for the Rights and obligations between the two spouses.
The most important of such program will free the method of selecting ones spouse as it will soon comes. The Islamic method is depends on the ways of urging and encouraging precaution against the occurrence of difference or tackling its beginning or solving it after it has occurred, a method to restrain and censured those practicing controversy or things that leads to it.
The holy Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "the best men among my nation are those who did not attack their families nor be unjust with them and sympathize with them"
.
Imam Mohammad Al-Baqir (peace be upon him) has encourage endurance of offence because retaliating offence with offence widening the circle of controversies and constrictions.
He (peace be upon him) also said: "Allah will free him from hell fire and make incumbent for him to enter paradise who ever endure an offence from his wife"
.
And the prophet (peace be upon him and his decedents) has encourage men to be patient for the bad conduct of his wife, he then said: "Allah will reward who ever for bear the bad conduct of his wife like that of the reward of Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him) in his affliction"
.
If not that the Prophet (peace upon him and his descendant) has recommended us to be patient from the wife's misconduct itcouldn't
has been usual.
Then it becomes dearest and desirable from the side of a religious male spouse to be patient with contentedness and satisfaction through that will not amount to humiliation of his dignity. Emulating the Prophet's (peace be upon him and his descendants) ways of dealing with his wives will reduce many constricts like wise by emulating the conduct of Ahlulbait (peace be upon them).
Imam Jaafar bn Mohammad Assadiq (peace be upon him): "my father (peace be upon him) had a wife did hurts him but he did forgives her"
.
The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) forbid using violence with the wife, he said: "Any man that slap his wife, Allah will command the Angel of the Hell fire to slap his face seventy times in the Hell fire"
.
And Imam Jaafar Assadiq (peace be upon him) has encouraged mutual understanding in order to abstain from intense controversies, he then said: "The best among your women is she who said to her husband if she is annoying or was annoyed, my hand is your hand, I will not use an eyeliner on the twinkle of my eye until you are pleased with me"
.
On the authority of Imam MohammadAl-Baqir
(peace be upon him): "And women's struggle is to endure from what she envisage from the husband regards hurt ness and jealousy"
.
The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) has forbidden wife from attitudes that will lead to encourage of controversies, he (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "The most wicked among your women is she who is subservient to her family and feel nobility before her husband, spiteful barren, who did not fear evil, adorning in absents of her husband, descent in the presence of her husband, she don't hear her husband's sayings and don't obey his ommandment, she seriously rejected her Husband in their privacy from mounting on her, she doesn't accept his excuses nor forgives his short comings"
.
The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) has also forbid women from charging her husband more than his ability, he in this respect said: "Any women enters with her husband about her expenditures and demands more than his ability, Allah will not accept her spending and justice except she returns and demands base on his ability"
.
The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) also forbids women from reminding her favors on the husband, he (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "If a woman went to her spouse with the whole Gold and Silver on the Earth and one day beat her husband's head and said to him, who are you? The wealth is mine, Allah will destroy all her good deeds even though she is the most subservient among the people except she repents and returns to seek pardon from her husband"
The Prophet (peacebe
upon him and his descendants) has cautioned the women from confronting her husband with bitter word in order to affect his nerves. He (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "Allah will not accept the spending, justice and good deeds of any woman that hurt her husband with her tongue until she pleased him"
.
The Prophet (peacebe
upon him and his descendants) has forbidden abandonment as it is considered to be introduction to splitting and separation of relations. He (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "She is an oppressor who abandoned her husband and she will be resurrected from the bottom of Hell fire with Fir'aun, Haamaan and Qaarun except she repent and return"
.
If all these recommendations are completely observed it is enough to quench all sorts of tenses and constrictions and if the two spouses were not able to observe those recommendations their differences should far away from the ears of the children like wise the exchange of negative views, humiliation and accusation also should far away from their hearings. They should made the children to understand that controversies are natural events, that they like each other while both spouses should try to put and end to their controversies in their earliest convenient time.
Fifthly: CautionFrom
Divorce
Islam has cautioned from divorce and putting an end to marital relations because of the negative effects that leaves on the two spouses, thechildren
and the society. Divorce is thefountain head
of anxiety, psychopath, illness in emotion and conduct of the children where as the child is in needs of equal love and kindness from the both parents.
Even by just pondering overdivorce
it originates unrest and anxiety inside him and remains in continuous fears and troubles that negatively reflect in his emotional and personal stability. Verily Islam has laid down methods of relations and its continuation because of the obstacles preventing reaching thedecision which
do destroy families and prevents marital relationships, and caution from divorce in different places. The holy Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "Jibra'il (peace be upon him) warns me of women until I deem it not necessary to divorce them except in a clear atrocity"
.
Imam Jaafar Assadiq (peacebe
upon him) said: "There is nothing that Allah has made lawful but dislike except divorce; Allah hates those that derive pleasure from quick divorce"
.
He (peace be upon him) said: "Verily Allah the Great and Almighty loves the house having two spouses and dislikes the house having divorce and there is nothing more hateful to Allah other than divorce"
.
Islam has urged us to take and arrange objectivity to prevent the occurrence of divorce and call for strengthening the love and cordial relations andit also
call for resolving the problems and controversies that do lead to divorce and ordered for peace loving.
Allah the most High said: {.... But consort with them in kindness, for if ye hate them it may happen that ye hate a thing where in Allah has place much good}
.
And urge reconciliation and restoration of the family ties, Allah the most High said: {If a woman fearth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves and peace is better}
.
Then reconciliations are better thannon reconciliation
, for the fact that minds and feelings differs from one time to the other. Islam has verily urge for reconciliation and negotiation before taking decision for separation. Almighty Allah said: {And if ye fear a breach betweenthem
twain (the man and wife) appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. if they don't desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware}
.
If all trial for reconciliation and restoration of the relation to its normality is not beneficial and if the tenses and constrictions did not need any thing other than divorce then possible divorce is a bliss for the both spouses but it will have psychological effects on the child and it will reflect in to his mode of life, that is why Islam granted another ample chance for restoring the marital life once again.
Islam gives the Right of the restoration to the male spouse with the waiting period (Iddah) for the women after the taking place of divorce without new contract (Aqd) and after the said waiting period (Iddah) for the women but with new contract (Aqd).
It has also given the Right of restoration to man after the first and the second divorces if there is actual separation after all the unsuccessful trial to restore the marital relationships, and then it is incumbent on the parents to observe the feelings of the child and grant him love and sympathy.
It is also incumbent on them to provide the atmosphere that will assist the childregards
his faith and safety of his parent's conducts. Henceforth Islam has forbade slandering, backbiting and unveiling ones short-comings, with these, the child will be able to endure the shock that arise from the divorce.
But if all these styles are not observe while both parents always try to unveil the short-coming of each other before the child, the child will hate the life and despise himself and it will reflect in his emotional feelings towards his both parents. He will love them but at same time will hate them for knowing the parent'sshort-comings
. He then remain living in a continuous unrest and anxiety, his grief will increase one day after the other and negatively reflect in his societal and his future family relationships.
0%
Author: Ismail Abdullah
