Youth and Spouse Selection

This book suggests to the youth, solutions to only one of the burning problems of the day, marriage, from an Islamic perspective and viewpoint. The learned author, Mr. Ali Akbar Mazaheri, has put in a great deal of hard and sincere endeavour to illustrate Islamic solutions to this aspect of human life, particularly, the innocent youth of today, who are being misguided, confused and perverted by the immoral techno-propaganda of the imperialists, who have their own axe to grind to achieve their selfish and nasty objectives all around the globe. We hope that this useful book will be a guide for the perturbed youth and an answer to a part of their quest.

Author(s): Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Translator(s): Javed Iqbal Qazilbash

Publisher(s): Ansariyan Publications - Qum

Table of Contents

Preface by the Translator8

Foreword by His Eminence Professor Ja’far Subhani10

Note11

Introduction by ‘Ali Akbar Mazaheri12

Reminding of A Few Points14

Notes15

Chapter One: Excellence of Marriage16

Man and Woman: Enhancements of Each Other16

Spouse: A Big Blessing From Allah 16

Marriage Philosophy 16

“Spouse”: The Sign of Allah’s Wisdom and Source of Man’s Comfort17

Marriage: The Improver of the Value of Man’s Practices18

The Loveliest Centre to Allah 18

The Medal of Honour18

Reminder19

Notes19

Chapter Two: When Must We Marry? 20

The Puberty Age20

Marriage: a medium of reaching Allah 23

The time of sexual and mental maturity 24

The View of an Expert24

Discussion with a Friend in this Connection 26

It Is Wrong To Dash into a Rock 27

Notes29

Chapter Three: The Merits of Timely a Marriage and Demerits of its Delay30

1- Securing and Strengthening True Faith and Spiritualism 30

A Sad Specimen 30

An Auspicious and Blessed Specimen 31

2- Benefiting and Enjoying a Sweet and Cheerful Youth 31

A Sorrowful Specimen 32

3- Remaining Pure From Corruption and Sexual Deviations33

4- Safety from Nervous and Spiritual Diseases35

Attention 35

Note35

Chapter Four: Difficulties and Hurdles of Marriage36

First Difficulty: Economic and Monetary Difficulty 36

1. Allah's Supports37

The Good News Given By The Leaders of Islam 37

A Beautiful Example38

2. New Horizons38

3. Job Facilities and Allowances39

4. Attaining Status and More Reverence39

5. Special Marriage Loans39

6. Decreasing the Ceremonies and Additional Expenses40

A Beautiful Specimen of Simple Living 42

Second Difficulty: Continuation of Education 42

The Real Problem 43

Contemplating This Difficulty 43

Solutions to This Problem 44

2- The Religious and Lawful Engagement44

3- Parents Help To the Son and the Daughter45

4- Birth Control45

5-Contentment45

6- Cooperation 46

A Word with Parents in this Regard 46

Third Difficulty: Difficulty in Spouse Selection 46

The Solution 47

Fourth Difficulty: Hurdles and Hindrances of the Elders and Friends47

A Gloomy and Sad Example for Your Attention 48

A Curious and Strange Example48

An Agonistic Letter50

Answer50

Solutions50

1. Direct Negotiations With The Hurdle-Creators And Fault -Finders50

2- Appointing A Mediator51

A Specimen for Your Attention 51

Look at another Example51

Another Interesting Example52

Reminder55

Fifth Difficulty: Military Service55

Solutions: Long Term Solution 56

Short Term Solution 56

1- Religious and Legal Engagement56

2- Staying in the House of One's In-laws56

3- Parents Help 56

Sixth Difficulty: Presence of Older Brothers and Sisters56

Solution to This Problem 57

Seventh Difficulty: Dwelling 57

Solution 57

Long Term 57

Short Term Solutions57

1- Temporarily Staying At the Parents' Home57

2- Renting a House57

Attention 57

Eight Difficulty: Inability of the Youth to Manage and Run Their Life57

Ninth Difficulty: Natural Difficulties57

Answer58

The Philosophy of These Difficulties and Hardships58

Note60

A Word With The Elders60

“The person who provides a wife for a bachelor, Allah will look at him on the justice day61

A Social Disease61

Notes62

Chapter Five: Criteria of Spouse Selection 63

Subtlety in Selection, Smoothness In Marriage64

Criteria of Spouse Selection 64

Question And Observation 65

Answer66

The Fruit of Religiousness66

(c) Nobility 66

Answer67

Status of Morality in Spouse Selection 67

Specimens of Decent and Indecent Behaviour68

1- Using Decent and Indecent Language68

2- Magnanimity and Jealousy 68

3- Sweet-Naturedness and ill-naturedness68

4- Accepting The Truth And Stubbornness68

5- Wise Humility And Stupid Pride And Arrogance68

6- Truthfulness And Lying 69

7- Grace And Deliberateness And Ungraciousness And Debauchery 69

8- Forbearance And Impatience And Incapaciousness69

9- Favourable Opinion And Mistrust69

10- Being Warm And Affectionate And Being Apathetic69

11- Forgiveness And Hostility 69

12- Respect And Disrespect69

13- Boldness And Fear69

14- Politeness And Rough Attitude69

15- Faithfulness And Disloyalty 69

16- Generosity And Parsimony 69

17- Contentment And Greed 69

Answer To A Question 69

Question and Answer70

Another Question 71

Answer71

An Unpleasant Specimen 72

A More Unpleasant Specimen 72

Fifth: Physical and Mental Health 73

Consider This Miserable Specimen 73

Question and Answer74

Sixth: Beauty 74

Note75

Seventh: Knowledge and Education 76

Attention 77

A Lesson-Giving Example77

Salient Points of Incoordination of Ismail and Safoora78

5- A moral difference78

Refuting a Doubt79

Conditions of Compatibility 79

1-Religious Compatibility 79

Question and Answer80

2- Cultural and Mental Compatibility 80

3- Moral Compatibility 81

Attend To This Specimen 81

4- Educational Compatibility 81

5- Physical Compatibility 82

Attention 83

6- Equality of Beauty 83

7- Equality in Age84

8- Economical Equality 84

9- Family Equality 84

10- Political Consistency 84

11- Social Consistency 84

A Considerable Specimen 85

12- Psychological Consistency 86

1. Unpredictable Variations87

Predictable Changes87

Discussing the Future Aims and Probable Changes Before Marriage88

Question and Answer88

Answer88

Question and Answer90

Answer90

Avoiding Negligence92

Love, The Pivot of Life92

Kinds of Love95

1- Loves of Lust and Passion 95

2- Lofty Love:95

Question And Answer96

Lasting Love96

A Magnanimous and Beautiful Specimen 96

Mutual Love98

A Net of Deception 98

Second Tragic Letter99

Important Question and Answer99

An Artificial Life is Unendurable101

Notes101

Chapter Six: Selection 102

Time to Act102

Selection 102

Perfect Recognition 102

Ways Of Spouse Selection 103

First Way: Seeking Advice103

A Sage Guide103

The Qualities of an Adviser103

1- Religiousness103

2- Wits And Intelligence103

5- Having Goodwill104

6- Trustworthy 104

An Important Reminder104

Second Way: Mediator and Introducer104

Kinds of Mediators104

1- An Aware Well-Wisher104

2- An Unaware Well-Wisher105

A Sad specimen 105

An Important Warning to The Youth 106

Third Way: Investigation 106

Acceptance or Rejection Needs Logic106

The ways of investigation and how to cross them 107

1- Consideration of the Conditions and Qualities of the Relatives of the Person107

2-Investigating Through His Relatives107

Attention 107

A Safe And Sure Way 108

3- Through His/Her Close Friends108

4-Through Teachers, Administrators and Managers108

5- Investigation Through His/Her Enemies108

Fourth Way: Sending A Messenger108

The Peculiarities of a Messenger108

1- Mindful and clever108

2- Well-wishing 108

3- Trustworthy 108

4- Possessing correct standards and experience109

Attention 109

Fifth Way: Writing a Letter109

Attention 109

Sixth Way: Photograph 109

Seventh Way: Direct Talk 110

The Method of This Meeting 110

1- Describing the Course of Future Life110

2- Discussing the Future Aims110

Attention 111

Do Not Accept Any Undue Conditions And Demands111

Eighth Way: Seeing Each Other112

Considering This Topic In The Light of Traditions113

Caution 113

Protecting The Girl's Dignity 113

Kinds of Omen 114

The Correct Use of Omen 115

A Sorrowful Specimen of Misunderstanding the Omen 115

Another Specimen 116

Crossing the Slippery Road! Complete Caution at Every Step 117

Self -Sacrificial Marriage118

Definition Of This Form Of Marriages118

The Worth And Excellence Of This Kind Of Marriage119

Self-Sacrificial Marriage Is Not A General Prescription 119

Result120

Remorse Before Marriage120

The Cause Of This Remorse121

Answer121

A Considerable And Lesson -Taking Specimen 123

Family Marriages126

Children's Engagement127

Notes127

Chapter Seven: Engagement Period 129

The Need of an Engagement Period 129

The Benefits of the Engagement Period and the Duties of the Girl and the Boy During It130

1- The Enhancement of Mutual Recognition and Understanding 130

2- Improvement and Training 130

3-Enhancement of Love130

4- Development of Hope Regarding One's Future Life131

5- Laying the Foundation Of Independence In Future Life131

6- Valuing Each Other's Sentiments and Feelings131

7- Gift Presenting 132

8- Writing Love Letters132

9- Sincere Visits132

10- Short Journeys132

11- Participating in Spiritual Aggregations133

12- Gaining Knowledge and Arts Regarding Organising One's life, caring for a spouse and the study of books in this respect133

A Worthy Essay in This Connection 135

The Value of the Engagement Period 136

Reflection of the difficulty of sexual deprivations136

The Length of the Engagement Period 137

The Mishaps And Catastrophes During The Engagement Period 137

1- The Heart's Excuses138

Attention 140

A Noteworthy Specimen 140

Attention 142

2- Undue Expectation 142

Attention: One Must Certainly Have A Celebration 142

3- Interference And Temptations Of The Ignorant And The Self-Interested 143

4- Not Observing The Parents' Conditions143

5- Excessive visits144

Refreshing The Unpleasant Memories Of The Past144

7- Talk About Former Lovers145

8- Undue Ardour Of The Girl's Parents145

Notes146

Leave the Real Marriage for the Marriage Night147

Preface by the Translator

The contemporary world is a complicated one full of all sorts of problems. All over the globe, both in the developed and developing countries, different segments of the people face multi-dimensional problems: social, economical, ethical and spiritual. In pure statistical terms, it is particularly the youth strata, in societies everywhere that is most adversely affected. They compose of the frustrated, badly hit strata of the world's masses, both in the East and the West.

If the East has its typical socio-economic problems, the West too is negatively affected by it's own mechanized and industrialized form and metaphysical values.

Briefly, both the societies of West and East yearn and moan under the pressures of problems, either material or spiritual in the East, socialism collapsed under the terrific pressures of social problems cropping up from its incapable system. Right now, western capitalism too is showing cracks in its apparently magnificent frame.

At such a critical juncture, the youth of this world stands bewildered, perplexed and horrified, observing the cracking of this system. The only question boiling in their inquisitive minds is where the remedy and cure lie.

And which system answers the burning problems of this age? The youth, this pitiable creature, has been handed deteriorating and disintegrating modes and system of life. Western philosophers, thinkers and scientists like Freud, Russell, Nietzsche, Darwin and scores of others gave their people all the possible pseudo-liberties under the label of individual freedom; i.e., the so called liberty of speech, expression, action, accumulating unlimited and gigantic sources in kind, cash and material and, last but not least, the values engulfing sexual freedom.

Now, these unlimited and unbounded liberties have backfired and have created a big impact upon the natural values and systems of life, even though not religious ones. Humanity has started suffering immensely at the hands of criminals committing serious crimes. A wave of lawlessness, immorality and brutality has swept all over the globe.

Thus the young mind is in search of truth.

And the big question raising its head and haunting the youth's innocent mind is “Where is the truth?” This is very question makes them go round the world in various forms and shapes, even sometimes as hippies, to search and investigate.

But a sudden explosion of Islamic revolution emanated the right answer to their question saving them the toil and labours they were going through.

Islam has beyond any doubt, established that the solution is here. This explosion has enlightened the universe with the light of truthful values, in the pitch dark of this worthless mechanized life.

Dear reader! This book suggests to the youth, solutions to only one of the burning problems of the day from an Islamic perspective and viewpoint.

The subject forms the crust of the youths' problems, and is obviously the most vitally important multi-dimensional problem from biological, social, and ethical points of view.

It deals with the solution of their socio-economic problems regarding the execution of marriage; the most interesting topic for the youth. They have been convinced in it to marry a suitable spouse, at a proper, genuine and exact time. At least they can soothe their nerves in the proper company during these turbulent days, when the world is burning in the flames of wars, famines, diseases and social injustice.

Proper marriage can be a cure to many diseases haunting the youth being a completing and maturity-creating factor.

Islam has provided the answer to all questions pertaining to human life; and so it has to this one.

The learned author, Mr. Ali Akbar Mazaheri, has put in a great deal of hard and sincere endeavour to illustrate Islamic solutions to this aspect of human life, particularly, the innocent youth of today, who are being misguided, confused and perverted by the immoral techno-propaganda of the imperialists, who have their own axe to grind to achieve their selfish and nasty objectives all around the globe.

We hope that this useful book will be a guide for the perturbed youth and an answer to a part of their quest.

Javed Iqbal Qazilbash

Seminary of Qum

Foreword by His Eminence Professor Ja’far Subhani

Daughter and sons are considered to be the fruits of the garden of human life, who do not have any alternative way of continuing their lives except in joint endeavour, planning and a shared life, since life in the shape of celibacy is a bitter and badly concluding one, striking the buds of life in the half way, throws them away.

The hand of the Creator has bestowed a kind of attraction and pull between these two forms of fruits, so that each one demands and desires the other's company after having reached a certain age.

Their anxiety, distress and boiling sentiments are comforted and soothed through marriage. The Qur’anic verse says:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And one of His signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.”(30:21)

This saying described the secret of creation as clear evidence on this point.

The co-working and co-existence of two people can only be fruitful, beneficial and persistent when their spirits, instincts, and way of thinking are in ne direction. Otherwise, the rope or unity and communion becomes weak and soft and finally breaks, shattering the framework of co-existence.

In our lives, we observe the emergence of bitter and painful situations, which not only torment and agonize the husband and wife, but also their families. As such, after a short span of time, the palace of life is dismantled and the sweet tree of marital relations bears bitter fruit when the couple approaches the court and is separated. Perhaps they may be able to choose a suitable partner for themselves again but too many times, the wronged and oppressed children are forgotten when the parents walk away.

One factor is most effective in elaborating and explaining the reason for this situation, (of course, it cannot be said that this factor is the only one), but this factor is to start out with wrong calculations and estimations, (those very wrong, weighted and unconsidered ideas from the foundation of life), instead of a correct and exact study and estimation is the selection of a life partner. If correct principles were observed in the process of spouse selection, the major portion of separation, divorces and partings would not have dried up and withered from the tree of life.

In this book, which is now being presented to the respected reader, this very factor has been pointed out when it teaches the correct way to select a spouse.

I studied a part of this book and found it very useful and beneficial for the young generation, particularly now that the book contains a series of experience providing narratives, which can make the theories and inferences definite and positive.

Having congratulated the honourable writer and distinguished scholar about this precious and valuable book, I request the respectable publisher chalk out a plan regarding the publishing and distribution of the book, so that it reaches the hands of our youth, thereby taking a big and important step to solving our problems and as a consequence, reducing the number of divorces. The saying of the prophet (S) is:

ما بني بناء في الإسلام أحب إلي الله من التزويج .

“No palace in Islam more beloved to Allah has ever been built than the palace of marriage,”1

This saying may become more materialised and shaped into practice.

With compliments

Institution of Imam As-Sadiq (a.s)

Ayatollah Ja’far Subhani

1995, 1st of Moharram, 1415, Hijrah

Note

1. Wasail, vol 14, p3.

Introduction by ‘Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Look at the youth standing upon the origin of a new way with their hopes, abundant aspirations and hearts full of love and commotion, with the idea to move towards and independent and responsible life. They confront two important decisions, two vital obstacles, two lofty peaks and two big selections.

So they must necessarily cross through these two obstacles and reach for these peaks and take decisions regarding these two essentially important problems and make the selection.

It cannot be that they leave these two, or either one of them aside. And neither are they energetic enough to cross through them all alone, without any kind of guide or assistance, to reach their aim safely.

The good luck and prosperity or misfortune and misery of their lives is, to a great extent, connected and linked to these two decisions and selections.

If they are able to safely cross these two obstacles and peaks, then they have, to a great extent, neared themselves to prosperity and fortune. And if, God forbid, they do not succeed in making these decisions and selections (properly), then many difficulties and agonies will come into existence for them.

One of the two is choosing a job and the other is selecting a spouse.

Each of these two decisions and selections is big and sensitive; but one of them is even bigger and more sensitive than the other, and that is the selection of spouse.

One of the great Gnostics said: “If a man spends half of his life in the search of a suitable teacher, it is worthwhile, since he will become prosperous in the other half of it.”

I too say, “If a man spends half of his life searching for a proper and suitable spouse, it is worthwhile, because he will be prosperous, for the rest of his life.”1

Have you ever seen a successful man who does not have a capable woman beside him? And have you ever seen a prosperous woman who does not have a talented man beside her?

Usually every successful man has a capable woman beside him and every prosperous woman has a capable man beside her. If we observe, we will discover that it is so in every society. Even if we probe into history, we see the same. For example, Ibrahim (a.s) has Hajar beside him, whilst Musa (a.s) has Safoora at his back. Isa (Jesus) (a.s) has his mother Maryam at his side and Mohammad (S) has Khadija (s.a) beside him. We find Zahra (s.a) beside Ali (a.s), whilst Imam Hassan (a.s),

Imam Hussain (a.s), and Imam Sajjad (a.s) have Zainab (s.a) beside them. And similarly, beside all the scholars, thinkers, inventors, and reformers we usually observe capable gifted women as their wives, mothers or sisters.

Of course, because of the fact that women usually remained inside the house, they made less public appearance and so remained to a lesser degree, the focus of attention of historians, speakers, and writers. As a result, they glittered less. But since capable and talented men and women had their roles to play in each other's success and prosperity, there is no difference between them and they are equal and alike.

We can even go to the extent to say that the role of women in the success of men has been more than the role of men in the prosperity of women. Because woman is the axis and basis of life and the family and if this axis becomes anguished, disturbed and unbalanced, the foundation of life will become turbulent and weak. It is very difficult for men to succeed in a shaky and turbulent life, but if the woman is talented and capable, the man will ascend to heaven from her lap.2

And likewise, the capability and talent of each sex has and effect on the prosperity of the other, whereas the incapability, inefficiency and inferiority of each one have their effect upon the fate of the other.

An inferior, abject, ill-mannered and faithless woman destroys the life of a man and makes him sit upon the dust of abjectness and shame. And a base, mean, characterless, and faithless man will push the woman towards misfortune, a bleak life an psychological and spiritual diseases.

The Prophet (S) prays to Allah about a bad spouse, saying:

أعوذ بك من زوجة تشيبني قبل أوان مشيبي .

“Oh Allah! I take refuge in you from a wife who makes me old before my old age reaches me.”3

Only God knows what an abundance of huge amounts of energies are destroyed in this marsh. And what number of fresh souls become withered and emaciated in this field. And how many tragedies occur in this area. Woe to the man who has an evil and bad woman! And woe to then woman who becomes entangled with a vile and impure man!

What plentiful numbers of nice capable, religious and talented boys have been seen dragged and pushed into marshes and slimes as a result of marrying an incapable and base girl! And how many good, nice, capable, modest, beautiful and spirited girls with good tastes and talents have been pushed into a cesspool, as an effect of marrying an incapable, faithless, illogical and selfish boy and been totally destroyed.

Or, if both of them are good and capable, but are not and equal match and counterpart, proportional to each other, then even this situation creates difficulty And this is a very important and minute problem.

At a later stage, we will discuss spouses being equal counterparts, proportional to each other.

But right now, it is necessary to explain that goodness and fairness of both spouses alone is insufficient, but than them being a good match, proportionate to each other conventionally speaking, is also essential so they can move forwards together in harmony.

We have seen a great number of couples, which individually, are both good, but together they have a disorganised life, because they are not proportionate to each other. Each one lives a separate life to the other.

These couples too end up with conflict, disagreement, and some with divorce, whereas if each of them had married a proportionate spouse, they would have succeeded. I will explain this further, describing a few live examples.

A boy and a girl need assistance and guidance in this risky and sensitive field. I sit possible to leave the youth all alone in this much sensitive phase? They must have access to the people means, books and centers to assist and help them out. It is not really advisable to leave them alone.

How is it that a teacher and guide is needed for driving a car, constructing a building, travelling along an avenue and performing simple and ordinary things, but a teacher, a guide, and a guardian is not essential for choosing a mate, organising and establishing a long life, and laying the foundation of a human assembly?

The marriage of a girl and a boy is the starting point of a big human race. The marriage of the chief of believers, Ali (a.s), with Fatima Zahra (s.a) laid the foundation of a great race, which continues yet and will remain continuous and persistent up to the end of human history. And hereby, we are benefiting from the benevolence and beneficence of this scared relation and this blessed tree.

Imam Khomeini (r.a) and Ayatollah Khamene'i, the grand leaders, are the fruits of this blessed marriage. The marriage of Abu Sufian and Hind (the liver eater)4 also bought into being the foundation of an immoral race and so the Umayyad caliphs came into existence from this dirty relation Humanity has suffered great losses and continues facing difficulties at the hand of this corrupt tree.

Islam has set so many laws and topics, and stresses so much upon the subject of marriage and selection of spouses that makes one surprised and astonished.

(Professor) Mohammad Taqi Ja’fari used to say: “Bertrand Russell (the renowned European philosopher) wrote to me and asked, “Why has Islam given such value to, and formed laws for marriage?” In response to him, I wrote, “The problem is man. Marriage brings 'man' into existence.”5

The actual aim of the discussion in this book is making boys and girls familiar with the method and manner of choosing a spouse, so that they can succeed in this critical, serious and fate-making matter. But the other decision and selection, i.e., selecting a job, will Insha’Allah; be brought into consideration in another book.

Reminding of A Few Points

1- The stories and examples quoted this book are real and authentic, but the names of the people have been changed to protect their identity. Only in a few cases have the real names been used.

2- We hereby thank our dear honourable brothers, Mr. Jawad Chenari and Mr. Masood Azarbaijani who helped and co-operated realizing this book, Mr.Hussain fidaee of the Imam As-Sadiq (a.s) institute, Qom, who was responsible for composing and paging and to the publication centre of the Office of Islamic Propagation, at the seminary of Qom, which shouldered the responsibility of its publication. We pray to Allah to grant them abundant rewards.

3- This book is a preliminary in connection with the problems of the youth and Insha’Allah, we will take the relevant steps after it. Therefore, we would like thinkers, clear sighted and lucid personalities, the youth and respectable reader to send their views, suggestions, criticisms and observations to the writer, at the publisher's address, including real examples of their own experiences and anything which may relate to the topic of this book, as well as those things which may concern the younger generation and could be effective and a way-opener, so that they could be used in the following editions and books. Quite evidently, if such steps are taken with sincerity, they shall bring valuable and worthy rewards from Allah.

We also expect from young couples and all those who are inclined to take steps on the way to help and guide the younger generation to describe their sweet or bitter experiences, whether experienced directly or indirectly:

Experiences such as success or failure in the selection of a spouse, the ways of spending the periods of engagement and ‘Aqad (the period after Nikah and before real marriage life), the do's and don'ts of these periods, the successes and failures of the phases of spouse-selection, engagement period, marriage, after marriage and the initiating of a new joint life, its continuation, along with the causes and factors of success and failure and their biographies, so that these milestones can be living guides for young people at the starting point of their lives toward the achievement of prosperous lives.

Meanwhile, if you are inclined, we will use your real names, but if you refer us not to do so, you can write to us and we will use fictitious names, just as we have done in most of the examples quoted in this book.

We pray to Almighty Allah for His pleasure and guidance.

Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Seminary of Qum, Spring, 1373 (S.H.)

Notes

1. Of course, it doesn’t mean delaying the marriage; rather it means subtlety and carefulness in choosing the spouse. We shall explain it in the future discussions.

2. Here Imam Khomeini’s famous saying has been hinted at: “Man ascends to heaven from the lap of woman”.

3. Wasail al-Shia, vol.14,p22.

4. Hind, the wife of Abu Sufian, chewed the liver of Hazrat Hamza (a.s) after his being martyred in the Uhud battle.

5. His lessons about Nahjul Balagha in television.

Chapter One: Excellence of Marriage

Man and Woman: Enhancements of Each Other

Allah created man in a manner in which he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Man may upgrade his knowledge, faith and qualities, but he shall never reach the desired perfection while he does not have a spouse. (Be it man or woman).

Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Both the male and female sexes need each other from a spiritual, as well as physical point of view. And each one of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. When they are placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands the whole universe.

The Qur’an calls man and woman the dress of each other.

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ

“They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you are as a dress for them.” (2: 187)

That is to say, they are the enhancement, counterpart, and guard of each other’s honour and secrets, and each one needs the other. Man cannot live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfection. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.

Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, homelessness, aimlessness, and solitude. As a dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.

Spouse: A Big Blessing From Allah

One of the greatest blessings of Allah to man is a nice life- partner. The Prophet (S) said in this regard:

ما اسْتَفَادَ امْرُؤٌ مُسْلِمٌ فَائِدَةً بَعْدَ الإسْلامِ أفْضَلَ مِنْ زَوْجَةٍ مُسْلِمَةٍ (أو صَالِحَةٍ ).

“The Muslim man has not achieved any benefit (from Allah’s blessings) better than a suitable Muslim wife, after Islam.”1

Marriage Philosophy

It is possible that some people who have not appreciated the depth of the philosophy of marriage and setting up of a joint life may say: ‘We satisfy our sexual lust through many other means apart from marriage and fulfil this desire through other ways, so what is the need of accepting the responsibility of marriage?”

It should be said in response to this creed and question that fulfilment of sexual desire and lust is not the only achievement and advantage of marriage. It is only one of its benefits. Instead, apart from soothing and comforting the sexual instinct, it has many other aspects and dimensions of excellence, worth and importance, like raising a family.

It gifts man with other factors such as commitment, completion, progress, maturity, development of personality, comfort and many more valuable benefits. Commitment to a wife and family brings magnanimity, splendour and a sense of social responsibility, and makes many of his capabilities and sleeping talents bloom and bear fruit.

After marriage, the personality of a man changes into a social personality and he considers himself absolutely responsible for the security of his wife and children’s future. On this account, he uses the sum total of his senses, initiatives and abilities.”2

There is an enjoyment and progress in raising a family to which nothing can be the substitute. Martyr Mutahhari (ra) says in this regard:

“There are ethical characteristics, which can not be achieved, except in the school of family raising. The foundation of a family means developing a kind of interest in the fate of others. The moralists and ascetics who have not crossed through this phase have a sort of immaturity and childhood in their personalities to the end of their lives. And it is one of the reasons why marriage has been stressed upon as a sacred matter and a service in Islam. Marriage is the first and preliminary phase of exit from the (shell of) natural personal self, and the expansion of human’s personality.”3

Similarly, he says about the training mode of marriage:

“There is a maturity, a maturity, which does not take shape except in the shade of marriage and raising of family. It is not shaped in school, formed in a crusade against ego, nor is it inculcated and raised through night vigil and prayers. It does not even come into existence through love and attachment with pious ones.”4

What a large number of people have been observed who did not follow any principles of ethics, religion, and society, and a form of frivolity, heedlessness, and debauchery overwhelmed their character. But after getting married, their character, morale, and attitude changed and they became sober and dignified. And their habits and manners began to show a kind of graciousness and sagaciousness.

“Spouse”: The Sign of Allah’s Wisdom and Source of Man’s Comfort

Allah, who is the Creator of human beings and knows their peculiarities, characteristics, nature and instincts, described the creation of man and woman and placing them side by side, as one of His wisdoms and signs, and introduced marriage as the cause of love, affection, beneficence and comfort of man, saying:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And one of His signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.”(30:21)

This peace and comfort is not the common and ordinary conventional comfort, which psychologists and psychiatrists describe; instead, in addition to that, it includes dignity, grace, balance of thought, vision and spirit, the feeling of being worthy and having a serious personality and the achievement of additional honour, status and so on.

Marriage: The Improver of the Value of Man’s Practices

Marriage and family raising imprints such an effect upon the existence of man by upgrading the worth of his personality on the way to its maturity, that even his practices and services become more valued and worthier before Allah and the angels, so that its value goes up to many times the previous one. For example, consider this Hadith of Imam Ja’far (a.s):

رَكْعَتانِ يُصَلِّيهِما المُتَزَوِّجُ أفْضَلُ مِن سَبْعِينَ رَكعَة يُصَلِّيهَا العَزِبُ .

“Two cycles of service offered by a married person is more excellent and worthier than seventy cycles of service offered by a bachelor and unmarried person.”5

The Loveliest Centre to Allah

The unit which is formed through marriage is the object of Allah’s love and kindness, and He views it with tenderness and benevolence. The great ambassador of Allah (S) has put it in this way:

“No construction has been constructed lovelier than marriage to Allah- May He be honoured and glorified.”6

What prosperity and beneficence can be loftier than Allah’s love for one’s family and dwelling (that too in the super way) and viewing it with love, affection, and kindness?

The Medal of Honour

Ali (a.s), the chief of believers, has described a very worthy fact about the value of marriage:

لَمْ يَكُن أحَدٌ مِن أصْحَابِ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلّى اللهُ عَليهِ وَآلهِ يَتَزَوَّجُ إلاّ قَالَ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلّى اللهُ عَلَيه وَآلهِ: “كمل دينه .”

“There were none of the friends of the Prophet (S) who would marry but the Prophet (S) would say his faith (religion) had been completed.”7

What a surprise! Marriage has this much worth and value that the Prophet of Allah (S) decorated the chests of those who married with medals of honor.

It is evident from these words of the Prophet (S) that while a person does not marry, his faith lies in danger. This is because sexual instinct, spiritual pressures, sense of solitude and futility, being devoid of shelter and the lack of a sense of social responsibility, as well as many other harms of remaining unmarried can damage the roots of man’s faith and destabilize it.

Marriage and establishing a family and resting beside an excellent, virtuous, lovely, sympathetic and faithful spouse not only controls sexual lust, but also a spiritual relaxation and comfort is achieved.

At the same time, man’s dependence and trust upon Allah is increased and grows. He moves out of the apprehensive condition and homelessness. He senses and feels security and personality. His eyes and mind are distracted and detached from other places, and concentrate and focus on his spouse.

Consequently, he achieves more proximity and nearness to Allah, and Allah’s beneficences cover him up more than ever, and his faith is strengthened and reaches completion.

Reminder

Of course, we must be attentive to the fact that these glowing and shining results come to hand when the correct and true standards of “spouse selection”, family raising and the preparations of marriage are carefully and correctly observed.

In the next chapters, we will Insha’Allah discuss the topics of correct criterions and standards and the know how of crossing the preliminaries of marriage.

Notes

1. Wasail al-Shia vol 14. p 23.

2. Tafseer al-Nemoone, vol. 14, p 465.

3. Education and training in Islam, Sadra Publications, p 251 to 252.

4. Education and training in Islam, Sadra Publications, p 398.

5. Wasail Al-Shia, vol. 14, p 6.

6. Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 103, p. 222.

7. Makaremul Akhlaq, p 99.