Alhassanain(p) Network for Heritage and Islamic Thought

[SECTION 04]

301. ARGUMENT FROM THINGS HURT (I)

(1) Things hurt.

(2) Atheists think that things aren't supposed to hurt.

(3) They really are whiney, aren't they?

(4) Christians are stronger than that.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

302. ARGUMENT FROM THINGS HURT (II)

(1) Some things hurt a lot.

(2) Atheists think that things aren't supposed to hurt.

(3) But since they can't derive "ought" from "is," their belief presupposes the existence of God.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

303. EXISTENTIAL ARGUMENT FROM EVIL / ARGUMENT FROM POWER / ARGUMENT FROM GUNS (I)

(1) I have a gun.

(2) [Atheist: "Ouch!!!"]

(3) Therefore, God exists.

304. ARGUMENT FROM RELIGIOUS DIVERSITY

(1) Atheists think that the differences in religions disproves God's existence.

(2) Eh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

(3) Everyone knows that you must accept Jesus Christ in order to be saved.

(4) Well, everyone who matters, anyway.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

305. ARGUMENT FROM RELIGIOUS LANGUAGE

(1) God exists.

(2) Therefore, when I talk about God or related concepts, these words denote something.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

306. ARGUMENT FROM INDIGENOUS FOLKS

(1) Most indigenous folks all over the world started believing in gods independently.

(2) Belief in God is thus natural.

(3) Atheist: Many indigenous folks started eating each other, also independently.

(4) The Christian god forbids eating our fellow humans.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

307. ARGUMENT FROM STUPID CATS

(1) Look at this cat.

(2) Cats are stupid and cannot believe in God. Only humans can.

(3) Belief in God is something human.

(4) You are human, right?

(5) Therefore, God exits.

308. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE (I)

(1) Science is always true.

(2) Science says that there is a vanishingly small chance that all of this could have happened on its own.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

309. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE (II)

(1) Science is not always true.

(2) Therefore there is room for religious faith.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

310. LUVLUV'S ARGUMENT FROM THE PAIN PLAN

(1) Things hurt.

(2) Things hurting are part of God's plan.

(3) A lot of the good things in life only come through suffering.

(4) This is necessary to achieve God's plan.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

311. ARGUMENT FROM GUNS (II)

(1) I have a gun.

(2) In fact, we have a lot more guns than you do.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

312. ARGUMENT FROM MONTY PYTHON

(1) Graham Chapman appeared in a film that made fun of Jesus.

(2) Graham Chapman died of a horrible, incurable disease.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

(3a) And has no sense of humor.

313. ARGUMENT FROM WAR

(1) War is hell.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

314. ARGUMENT FROM ELVIS (ADAPTED FROM A CHURCH SIGN)

(1) Some people call Elvis the King.

(2) But we know Jesus is King.

(3) Even non-believers can have a glimpse of wisdom.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

315. LINGUAL ARGUMENT

(1) There's existence in nonexistence so...

(2) God exists even if he doesn't.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

316. DIVINE POWERS ARGUMENT

(1) God’s existence must be the work of God.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

317. ARGUMENT FROM OPPRESSION (RELATED TO THE VARIOUS ARGUMENTS FROM OFFENSIVENESS)

(1) God exists.

(2) [Atheist asks any one of various questions, or even just starts to ask them.]

(3) Are you saying that God doesn't exist?

(4) You're oppressing me! You're depriving me of the right to believe in God if I want to!

(5) Oppression is bad.

(6) Therefore, you are bad.

(7) Therefore, you must be wrong.

(8) Therefore, God exists.

318. ARGUMENT FROM WHEAT

(1) A grain of wheat will always fall to the ground and the outer shell “dies”.

(2) But see, eventually the grain will grow into a fuller, more vital form.

(3) Hey, that's kinda like the Resurrection!

(4) Therefore, God Exists.

319. ARGUMENT FROM WARM AND FUZZY THINGS

(1) When I was an atheist, I didn't have any warm & fuzzy things in my life.

(2) I really like warm & fuzzy things.

(3) If the Christian God exists, lots of warm & fuzzy things are true because all these really smart theists say so.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

(5) Old Testament? Never heard of it.

320. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE (II)

(1) Everything was fine until man created science.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

321. GEORGE W. BUSH'S ARGUMENT FROM AMERICA

(1) God bless America.

(2) You're either with us or against us, remember.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

322. KARL MARX'S ARGUMENT FROM MASSIVE OPIATES

(1) Got to keep the public distracted.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

323. KING JOSIAH'S ARGUMENT

(1) Time to expand the kingdom.

(2) Therefore, (my) God exists.

324. ASHCROFT'S ARGUMENT

(1) I say God exists.

(2) I could have you locked up, you know.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

325. ARGUMENT FROM "IT'S MY BALL AND YOU CAN'T PLAY"

(1) There is abundant logical and empirical evidence that God does not exist.

(2) There is no evidence that God does exist.

(3) But God plays by completely different rules.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

326. ARGUMENT FROM DISCOMFORT

(1) I am happy, believing in God.

(2) Then you come along and say all this nasty stuff to take my happiness away.

(3) *sniff*... *sniff*... why are you making me uncomfortable?

(4) Anyone who makes other people uncomfortable must be different. And bad. And ignorant.

(5) Daddy will hug me!

(6) Therefore, God exists.

327. ARGUMENT FROM ARTIFACT

(1) Archeologists found the remains of a boat from Jesus' time.

(2) So the Bible is true.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

328. ARGUMENT FROM LITTLE BABIES (I)

(1) Sometimes a bad person hurts little babies because he doesn't have a happy life.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

329. ARGUMENT FROM LITTLE BABIES (II)

(1) Sometimes little babies are different from one another; how could you explain that?!

(2) Like, one will be really happy, and another will be sad. Sometimes even twins.

(3) This proves the existence of the soul.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

330. ARGUMENT FROM A VIDEO I WATCHED WITH MY DAD

(1) Me and my dad watched this video where the Virgin Mary appeared on a building in Egypt. No, it was kinda blurry...lots of people saw it though and they were pointing at it.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

331. ARGUMENT FROM WHAT YEAR IT IS

(1) The years of our calendar are dated from the birth of Christ.

(2) Therefore, atheists can't even live without making reference to Christ.

(3) Obviously, atheists really can't live apart from God, even though they say they can.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

332. ARGUMENT FROM GOD-CENTRISM

(1) Everything revolves around God, even the earth and the sun.

(2) Therefore, even atheists are revolving around God!

(3) Silly, aren't they, to deny the truth?

(4) Therefore, God exists.

333. ARGUMENT FROM UNKNOWN QUALITIES

(1) God has qualities we mere humans can't possibly know.

(2) This answers all atheistic arguments.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

334. ARGUMENT FROM FORGIVING MISGUIDEDNESS

(1) Theist: X, Y, and Z all prove God's love for mankind. This love proves he exists.

(2) Atheist: But I can refute X, Y, Z and unsaid arguments A, B, and C...

(3) Theist: Don't worry, you're wrong and your questioning of God will send you to hell; but he loves you and I forgive you your arrogance.

(4) Atheist: But you haven't said anything rational.

(5) Theist: Jesus/God *loves* you. Duh. Therefore, God exists.

(6) Repeat (1) - (5) ad infinitum.

335. ARGUMENT FROM FEELING GOD'S PRESENCE

(1) Atheists just haven't truly felt God's presence yet.

(2) If they had ever felt God's presence, they would not be atheists.

(3) Theists have truly felt God's presence.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

336. ARGUMENT FROM WHAT MAKES SENSE

(1) Doesn't it just make more sense that an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good deity created the world out of nothingness, from magic, essentially, and then punished us for eating a piece of fruit, and then incarnated himself in human flesh and came down to shed his own blood so he could break his own rules, and then went through hell on a temporary basis and then went back into the sky and promised to come back and take everyone who believed in him to this heaven no one has ever seen?

(2) Well, doesn't it?

(3) Therefore, God exists.

337. ARGUMENT FROM WHAT MAKES SENSE, ADDENDUM

(1) Atheist: No it doesn't.

(2) Theist: See, you're confusing the issue again! Think simple and sensible!

(3) Therefore, God exists.

338. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN (I), a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (VI)

(1) Scientific American published an article that shows creationism is nonsense.

(2) The first editor of Scientific American was a Christian.

(3) Therefore, whoever wrote that article is a traitor and a liar.

(4) Besides, Scientific American didn't hire a creationist in the 70s, so they're obviously trying to persecute Christians.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

339. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN (II), a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (VII)

(1) Answers in Genesis copied the full text of an article from Scientific American.

(2) Scientific American sent one email to Answers in Genesis saying that they don't necessarily want their articles distributed for free in the internet by just anyone.

(3) See? Scientific American persecutes Christians!

(4) Therefore, God exists.

340. ARGUMENT FROM PEPPERED MOTHS

(1) Science textbooks still use the "peppered moths" to prove evolution.

(2) Atheist says that he has never seen a textbook which claims anything of the sort, in fact the only place he hears about peppered moths is from creationist websites.

(3) Obviously the atheist has no clue what he's talking about then.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

341. ARGUMENT FROM GOD IS LIKE A RADIO SIGNAL, a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS

(1) There are many radio signals floating around your head all the time.

(2) God is one of them.

(3) You just have to listen to the right signal.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

342. ARGUMENT FROM AGNOSTICISM IN INDIA

(1) [Non-believer asks if the theist would still call his religious experiences Christian if he had been raised in another country.]

(2) Would you call your agnostic experiences agnostic if you had been raised in India?

(3) Therefore, God exists.

343. ARGUMENT FROM BESTSELLERDOM

(1) The Bible is the best-selling work in history.

(2) Now, just because it's popular doesn't mean it's the Word of God.

(3) But there's not much evidence to suggest it's not.

(4) [sound of non-believer spitting milk out her nose]

(5) Therefore, God exists.

344. JOSH MCDOWELL'S MODIFIED TRILEMMA ARGUMENT

(1) Jesus was either lord, liar, or lunatic.

(2) Can you PROVE He was a liar or lunatic?

(3) Therefore, Jesus was Lord.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

345. ARGUMENT FROM ANARCHY

(1) There has to be an objective truth to the universe, and humans have to be able to access it.

(2) Otherwise, there would be anarchy everywhere.

(3) No courts or governments or anything.

(4) [Non-believer falls out of her chair from laughing so hard.]

(5) Therefore, God exists.

346. ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE RIGHT

(1) God saves the king/queen.

(2) The king/queen hasn't died.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

347. ARGUMENT FROM SQUARE CIRCLES

(1) There is no such thing as a square circle.

(2) God is not a square circle.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

348. ARGUMENT FROM DICTATORSHIP

(1) Dictators do not believe in God.

(2) Dictators are wrong.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

349. MARTIN LUTHER'S ARGUMENT FROM TERROR

(1) The lightning storm filled me with the terror of God's wrath.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

350. ARGUMENT FROM MEANING (II)

(1) Nothing has meaning without God.

(2) I mean...

(3) Therefore, God exists.

351. ARGUMENT FROM MEANING (III)

(1) Without God, life has no ultimate meaning and purpose.

(2) My life has to have meaning and purpose.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

352. ARGUMENT FROM RIGHT AND WRONG (I)

(1) Without God, there is no no ultimate right and wrong.

(2) I want there to be ultimate right and wrong, so I don't have to decide.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

353. ARGUMENT FROM DOSTOEVSKY, a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM RIGHT AND WRONG (II) (see Dostoevsky Didn't Say It)

(1) If God does not exist, everything is permitted.

(2) I can't accept that.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

354. ARGUMENT FROM DESTINY

(1) Without God, there is no no ultimate destiny and my destiny is dust.

(2) I can't accept that because I want more.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

355. ARGUMENT FROM SEMANTIC UNCERTAINTY

(1) Atheists can't quite agree on the exact definition of atheism.

(2) Therefore all atheists are wrong.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

356. ARGUMENT FROM TROUBLESOMENESS

(1) God really, really bothers me.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

357. WAYSON'S ARGUMENT

(1) Scientists generally accept the theory of evolution.

(2) I don't.

(3) Therefore, they are lying or fabricating their data.

(4) Therefore, God Exists.

358. ARGUMENT FROM NEGATIVE THEOLOGY, or THAT'S ONE REALLY BIG HOLE YOU'VE GOT THERE IN YOUR GROUND OF BEING

(1) We live in a world of pain and suffering.

(2) It seems that God is completely and utterly absent from our world.

(3) This complete and utter absence constitutes an infinite void.

(4) Only an infinite being could create the infinite void that we experience.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

359. ARGUMENT FROM EXCESSIVE STUPIDITY

(1) Some people are smart enough to be able to live without belief in God.

(2) I am not intelligent enough to live without belief in God.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

360. ARGUMENT FROM ALGEBRA, a.k.a. EULER'S ARGUMENT TO DIDEROT

(1) You don't understand algebra, right?

(2) (a+b^n)/n = x

(3) Therefore, God exists. (Donc Dieu existe.)

361. ARGUMENT FROM RATIONALITY, a.k.a. PRESUPPOSITIONALIST or TRANSCENDENTAL (II)

(1) God is rational so, if God existed, the universe would be rational.

(2) But, if God didn't exist, the universe probably wouldn't be rational.

(3) So, if atheists were right, rationality wouldn't exist and they couldn't prove God's nonexistence with it.

(4) No, I'm not going to explain why God should be rational.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

362. ARGUMENT FROM NAZI DECEPTION

(1) Hitler and his Nazis were atheists.

(2) Yes, they fooled a lot of people into thinking they were Christians. That was propaganda. They were atheists.

(3) This proves that atheists are the masters of deception.

(4) Revelation says that the antichrist will deceive people.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

363. ARGUMENT FROM NAZI EVIL

(1) Hitler and his Nazis were atheists.

(2) I don't care what the historical evidence says about their being Christians. Christians cannot be evil, and only atheists would be capable of the Holocaust.

(3) So Nazis, like all truly evil people, are atheists.

(4) Therefore, all atheists are truly evil. They must be servants of Satan.

(5) Therefore, God exists.

364. ARGUMENT FROM DARWINIAN DIVINITY

(1) Atheists are evolutionists who worship Darwin.

(2) See, everyone needs to worship a god, even atheists.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

365. ARGUMENT FROM BAD NEIGHBORS

(1) My neighbor is always snooping through my garbage.

(2) I prayed for something bad to happen to my neighbor.

(3) Then my neighbor stuck his hand into a bear trap in my garbage.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

366. ARGUMENT FROM ANAL FRUSTRATION

(1) God my ASS!!

(2) My ass exists.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

367. ARGUMENT FROM YOU ARE ALWAYS LOVED

(1) You are always loved.

(2) God invented love.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

368. ARGUMENT FROM GOD WILL PROVIDE

(1) I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

(2) But something always happens to sustain me. My parents support me, I find a job, etc. God provides!

(3) No, it's NOT the actions of the humans themselves! How could you think that?"

(4) Therefore, God exists.

369. ARGUMENT FROM NOT CONTRADICTING SUPERNATURALISM

(1) Science can give evidence for the existence of God.

(2) At the points where it doesn't, scientists should just shut up.

(3) Therefore, no evidence against God will ever be developed.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

370. ARGUMENT FROM DON'T BE IMPRISONED BY YOUR OWN LOGIC

(1) You could see the beauty of God if you would just open your eyes.

(2) God won't show himself to a person who has his eyes closed, you know.

(3) Logic can keep you from God, but only if you let it.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

371. ARGUMENT FROM LEFT TURN OUT OF McDONALD'S

(1) A lady in an SUV with cell phone to her head pulls out of McD's with no concept of oncoming traffic.

(2) A frustrated motorist yells "Jesus Christ!"

(3) Therefore, God exists.

372. ARGUMENT FROM EAR SHAPE

(1) A drunken twentyish guy pontificates about ear shape and evolutionary processes.

(2) A nearby woman rebuts his assertion and proclaims intelligent design.

(3) She's cute, so he's not going to argue with her.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

373. ARGUMENT FROM M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

(1) Mel Gibson plays a reverend whose wife is horribly killed, and he loses his faith.

(2) The Earth is suddenly attacked, his family is terrorized, he loses two pets, and many people across the globe presumably die.

(3) An alien grabs and terrorizes his son, injecting him with a poison. But with the help of said son's asthma, and the last words of his dead wife, he gets lucky and the kid doesn't quite die.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

4a) And don't you dare stop believing in him — otherwise, he might try to restore your faith by scaring the hell out of you.

374. ARGUMENT FROM INCOHERENCY

(1) You have to have faith!

(2) [Atheist: How do you define faith?]

(3) You know . Faith!

(4) [Atheist: No, I don't know. Please enlighten me.]

(5) You do so have faith! You're just trying to confuse me!

(6) Therefore, God exists.

375. ARGUMENT FROM YOU'RE TOO NICE

(1) You're too nice to be an atheist.

(2) Therefore you can't be an atheist. You must believe in God.

(3) [Atheist: Actually, no . .]

(4) I'm not listening! LA LA LA LA LA!

(5) Therefore, God exists. To infinity.

376. DAN QUAYLE'S ARGUMENT

(1) Gode Exists.

377. BILL CLINTON'S ARGUMENT

(1) The existence of God depends on your definition of the word "of."

(2) Therefore, God exists.

378. JOHNNY COCHRAN'S ARGUMENT

(1) If God exist, you must acquist!

(2) Therefore, God exists.

379. GEORGE W. BUSH'S ARGUMENT

(1) That god won't hunt.

(2) Y'all.

(3) Ergo, um, axle of evil, ahh, claridify, umm, supportification, ah, pretzel.

(3) Y'all.

(4) What he said.

(5) Therefore, God existifies.

(2) Launch.

380. GODEL'S ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPLETENESS

(1) Any proof of God's existence will always be incomplete.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

381. MINIMALISTIC ARGUMENT

(1) God

382. PLUMBER'S ARGUMENT

(1) Therefore, God exists.

(2) That'll be five hundred dollars.

383. THE SOUP NAZI'S ARGUMENT

(1) If God exists, he will stand in line like everybody else.

(2) That's it! No soup for you!

(3) Therefore, God exists.

384. GOD'S MOTHER'S ARGUMENT

(1) You never call.

(2) Mr. Bigshot, too important to call his own mother.

(3) I might as well not exist. *sniff*

(4) And if I don't exist . .

(5) [God quickly calls his mother]

(6) Therefore, God exists.

6a) Now let me materialize a nice hot cup of chicken soup . .

385. ARGUMENT FROM CLASSIFIED ADS

(1) Suprmdl sks lv-in bdygrd. 1 bdrm apt.

(2) Thr4 Gd xsts.

386. ARGUMENT FROM DAUGHTER

(1) Can I have twenty bucks?

(2) I HATE you!

(3) Can you take me to the mall?

(4) There IS a God!

387. ARGUMENT FROM SON

(1) God made me do it.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

388. ARGUMENT FROM SPOUSE

(1) If you are still on that damned computer, God help you!

(2) Therefore, God exists.

389. ARGUMENT FROM LONG SILENCE

(1) God exists.

(2) [Atheist explains why he doesn't.]

(3) [long silence]

(4) [Atheist forgets about the argument and goes home.]

(5) Therefore, God exists.

390. ARGUMENT FROM FOOD CHAIN

(1) Humans are right at the top of the food chain.

(2) God made it this way.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

391. ARGUMENT FROM UNDERSTANDING

(1) You're not meant to understand.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

392. ARGUMENT FROM ALIENS

(1) Everyone knows that aliens don't exist.

(2) Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

(3) Oh, but God's different!

(4) Therefore, God exists.

393. ARGUMENT FROM SURVIVAL OF THE STUPID

(1) Norman and Jason have been posting for a couple of years now.

(2) And yet, there's no possible way that anyone THAT fucking stupid could survive more than an hour without supernatural assistance.

(3) It's a miracle!

(4) Therefore, God exists.

394. ARGUMENT FROM DESTRUCTIVE CAPABILITY

(1) The U.S. has the firepower to slaughter as many third world people as it wants.

(2) The U.S. uses that firepower regularly.

(3) Of course, America's firepower and willingness to use it are God's will.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

395. ARGUMENT FROM HUME (BRITT, NOT DAVID)

(1) If Osama bin Laden is still alive, then Dubya's war on terrorism has thus far failed.

(2) I can't wrap my mind around the idea that the war has been a failure, even in part.

(3) Therefore, we must interpret the fact that we haven't seen any new bin Laden tapes for a while as conclusive proof that bin Laden is dead.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

396. ARGUMENT FROM JESUS LOVES ME

(1) Jesus loves me because the Bible says so.

(2) If radiometric dating is valid, then Jesus might not love me after all because the Bible might not be literal truth.

(3) That's unacceptable.

(4) Therefore, radiometric dating is bogus, the Bible is literally true, Jesus loves me, and God exists.

397. ARGUMENT FROM THE LOTTERY

(1) Thousands of people in New York were murdered by terrorists on 9/11/01

(2) The winning New York lottery numbers on 9/11/02 were 911.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

398. ARGUMENT FROM AMBROSIA

(1) Mountain Dew is the nectar of the Gods.

(2) But God does not condone polytheism. And God knows best.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

399. ARGUMENT FROM HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY

(1) The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (HUP) states that the location or the movement of a particle can be known, but not simultaneously.

(2) But God knows everything.

(3) Therefore, the HUP is false.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

400. ARGUMENT FROM PULP FICTION

(1) God came down from heaven, and stopped those motha-fuckin' bullets.

(2) Therefore, God exists.