Finding a Muslim Husband
+I met my husband playing Bingo. I was sitting by a family friend and it so happened he knew her too. He had a nice smile and was easy to talk to. I had come from a disastrous relationship with an abusive man nine years my senior but many years my junior in maturity. When I met this next man I was in such a bad frame of mind about men it is a wonder I considered marriage again. He didn't mention sex or make remarks or grab my body parts or call me hisol
' lady in public. It was refreshing to be treated in such a way. He would never take me anywhere without a chaperon as a witness that he was a gentleman. I felt respect and I liked it.
I met my husband at college. He was very polite (I noticed that right way) and very good looking. I really wasn't looking for anyone when we met but the first thing I noticed in him, which was always on the top of my list, was his importance of family (loyalty, respect) toward mother and father. He answered questions so patiently. +I met my husband at the community college I was attending. He was the grill cook. Something just clicked between us. He was kind and nice to talk to. He had a religious feeling about him and was mature in his ideas. Of course, I thought he was handsome too. I liked the lifestyle he offered of a family-based society. I especially thought he was my friend and we agreed easily on many matters including religious. He was a catalyst for my own personal exploration.
I tutored him in English. He helped me study Islam, but when I converted I could no longer see him-he fully respected my decision to stop seeing him once I became Muslim. Later, several people noticed a "perfect match" for me in the mosque and it turned out to be the same man I had tutored and who had brought me to Islam. I found him to be sincere, gentle, generous, and patient. If ever there would be a "soul mate" for me, he's the one. He has filled the "holes" of loneliness and need for unconditional love that had not been filled before. My family accepted him completely from the day they met him. They love him dearly, and he is a friend to all of them.
My husband and I met when we worked in the same restaurant. I was a waitress and he was a dishwasher. He was new in the country and didn't speak English. He seemed honest, uncomplicated, hard-working, and generous. +I met my husband while in college. We worked at the same Mexican food restaurant. I was attracted to him because he was very hard-working, smart, and conducted himself politely. I was in need of a person to think I was wonderful. He put me on a pedestal and treated me like a queen (even though we were dirt poor) with respect and dignity.
Some of the women had already converted to Islam while still single and met their husbands in other ways. One common way of finding a husband or wife is through advertising in an Islamic magazine or at a matrimonial booth at a Muslim conference. It is not unusual for one who is ready to get married to let Muslim friends know so they can help in looking for a suitable mate. The following excerpts from the questionnaires provide a good overview of the Muslim/Muslim relationship and marriage. +I met my husband through the imam of the mosque. I accepted him because he was religious. Nothing else really mattered. He had no part in my conversion for I was already a Muslim. My marriage ceremony was all Islamic_ I talked to him for two weeks and then decided to marry him two days before Ramadan 1991.
My marriage was arranged by my request in order to have support (religiously) to help me learn about mydeen
(my obligations). I asked mywali
(the one who arranged the marriage) that the man be a good practicing Muslim which was the only characteristic he needed. I wanted a husband that would teach me about Islam in depth and to remind me always of Allah (SWT). I was already Muslim. My family didn't know him before the marriage. They met him two days before the ceremony, and he asked my parents' permission to marry me the day before. They didn't like him. Now they tolerate him only.
My husband-to-be first came to see me on a Friday night and we were married on the following Sunday afternoon. At our ceremony we invited friends and family. Our wedding was an Islamic wedding. I wore an Islamic dress, not a white gown. We were in separate rooms. The imam came and asked me if I accept [the man] and what I wanted for mymahar
[dowry]. I heard him give a speech about the importance of marriage. At that point my mom walked out saying what a big farce the wedding was. Of course, I cried and was hurt, but we continued the wedding but at a faster pace.
I met my husband through a marriage ad in an Islamic magazine. A friend of his had put the ad in. [I was too late in responding to the ad for that man, but the] friend gave my letter to [another man] the one who is now my husband because he was also wanting to get married. We talked on the phone ten to twelve hours a week for six weeks; then he flew to Kansas. We were about 90 percent sure about marriage even before we met, but had to meet to know for sure. We got engaged that day, and did the Islamic marriage (nikkah
) two days later. I was looking for someone who was a strong Muslim, both in theory and practice-one who lived his lifeIslamically
, regardless of how others around him lived. I wanted someone who would be a good provider, because in a marriage it is the man who provides the family with everything, even if the woman has money. I had heard many stories about men who didn't work, or wanted the wife to support them, so I wanted to make sure my husband would work hard for us. The more I got to know about him, the more he seemed to fit this. I had been straight-forward in my letter about wanting a strong Muslim, that I was divorced with a child, (in case it was someone wanting a young virgin), and enclosed my photo. Even though I didn't ask for his photo right away, he sent one to me. Looks are not important. He and I got to know each other very well on the phone, talking about many things about our lives-Islam, current events (including some that involved Muslims), etc. I made sure his family would accept an American wife [he was from a Muslim country], even one who has divorced with one child from that marriage. But he assured me that wouldn't make a bit of difference to them, that they all chose their mates, and some chose mates from other countries.
We became very close through our phone conversation, and I always looked forward to him calling. If I had a bad day, I wanted to tell him about it so I would feel better. It was like an old-fashioned courtship. Our passions didn't get in the way of getting to know each other. When we met, we realized we were right for each other, and the friendship and affection we felt for each other turned to love. Islam does not allow dating, pre-marital sex, etc. This is a great way to get to know someone, and see if you get along with each other. That is the most important [step], getting to know if someone else is on your level,Islamically
and personally. If they are, you will love them and be attracted to them.
I wanted someone who was gentle and loving, and I found someone like that. He does not yell at me or hit me, as is the stereotype of Arab men. I have to admit, I thought that all Arab men were controlling and violent, but they are not. He tells me he loves me, and makes sure I know that he does. He is very caring and concerned.
Entering Into a Muslim Marriage
My parents were unsure about my husband as they didn't get to meet him in person until the night we married. We purposely spent a few days (after our marriage ) with them so they could get to know him better. They have grown to love him dearly. In fact, in my father's eyes, he is the son he never had. My mother has confessed that she couldn't wish a nicer husband for me. Considering their veritable objections when they first discovered how I found him, my family has espoused my husband as one of their own. If the couple survives family objections during the courtship period, they prepare to enter into marriage. It is often difficult for the parents of the woman marrying a Muslim from another country. They may feel suspicious of the man's intentions and express fear for their daughter. First-time meetings between the male suitor and the woman's family may be strained. However, in many cases among this sample of women, the family, too, grew to accept and establish a friendship with the husband.
In the survey I asked for positive stories of those converting to Islam. This is not to ignore the reports of the poor relationships that exist. One woman called me on the phone after receiving the questionnaire and said she couldn't give her name or answer the questionnaire because her experience had not been positive. In fact, she had been married to two different Muslims, both well-educated and one a physician. Both beat her and abused her badly. She was in hiding, afraid for her life.
It is not my intent to glorify Muslim marriage, but I certainly recognize that all Muslim marriages are not catastrophes as the media would lead us to believe. My intention in writing this is to share some positive experiences which contrast with the negative stories in order to present a more balanced picture. Among Muslims there are good, bad, and in-between marriages just like that of other religions and cultures, and abusive relationships may be found. There are even those men from other countries who marry only to have access to the green card (allowing the non-citizen to stay in the United States and work).
I joined a pen pal club from a newspaper ad and got a letter from an Arab college student. He proposed and I fell for it. He basically married me to get my virginity and his green card. After our divorce I was living in Tennessee. Friends introduced me to another Muslim. He was a religious, simple guy-answered all my questions right, and I wanted a husband and children of my own. My parents were skeptical before our marriage because they didn't think he was any different from my first husband who was Muslim. They accept him now and our three-year--old son. We had a simple marriage ceremony at the Islamic Center. Then we went out to eat at Ponderosa Steak House. The reception was fancier but only attended by a few friends of ours. I had a sisters' bachelorette party the night before-fun! It was traditionally Islamic. Then we went to New York for two weeks for our honeymoon. +I was married before to a Muslim and had a very bad marriage. For five years I was physically and emotionally abused. My advice for anyone who wants to marry is to have awali
to check the brothers [brothers are the Muslim men] that want to many. This marriage was bad. After we married he prayed once, got his green card, flirted with women, and finally became a citizen. He has a restaurant, married aMuslima
from Singapore and brought his family here-all thanks to me being born in the U.S.A. I am now happily married to another Muslim.
A Muslim marriage for the women surveyed was by and large very positive, beginning with the ceremony itself, which often differed significantly from traditional western styles. Sometimes the wedding ceremony itself added to the fears and hurts of the family. Families dream of walking their daughter up the aisle of the church and having the minister join her to a man of whom they approve. It will be a sacrament in the Christian tradition with the reception and gifts and fellowship following. The stories of weddings between a non-Muslim and a Muslim, however, illustrate many differences and varieties of situations. Some did have the large weddings (often blamed on satisfying the parents), but there were also elopements, small weddings before the justice of the peace, and/or Muslim ceremonies.
We had a special ceremony for a Muslim marrying a non-Muslim (informal) which is called a term marriage. Our term was for ninety-nine years. It was just us and two friends. Then we had a wedding for my family in my parents' church. My father married us and did not refer to Jesus. He was respective of my husband's needs. It was very nice and family-oriented. There were not many problems because I was not Muslim and my husband was not strongly practicing. We also had a third wedding after I became Muslim to celebrate our permanent standing as two Muslims married to each other. +My family never expressed any opposition to my marriage or to my husband. We were not close. My mother only asked me if I was happy. When I answered yes, she said so was she.
Our marriage was performed by a Baptist minister. Because I had not belonged to any church for many years, I didn't know a minister, so we asked the minister from the church that my roommates attended at the time. It was very simple. We asked to read the ceremony beforehand. The only change we asked for was that the minister replace the words, "In Jesus' name" to "In God's name." The nicest part was the Arab tradition afterwards with singing and dancing. +We were married by a justice of the peace at a courthouse without my family and with only friends as witnesses. Then a few months later we were married by ashaikh
[Muslim religious leader] in a short ceremony with only one witness.
There were no cultural elements in our wedding such as cutting and eating cake or sprinkling sugar over our heads. Our wedding was the most basic Islamic marriage, where two people find the need to become partners in life and agree before God to live and work together in harmony and stay away from sins. He read the words of the marriage ceremony in Arabic and I agreed to the marriage. For my dowry he promised to give me my own Arabic Qur'an, which he gave to me sometime later. He gave me items for prayer, including a prayer carpet. After we were married, according to the law of Islam, we went to the county courthouse and were married by a judge. (In Islam, Muslims are advised to follow the rules of the country in which they reside as long as these laws are not contrary to Islam.) +We had a ceremony at my church not geared to any particular faith. We also had anikkah
performed at the mosque the day before our wedding ceremony.
Our marriage ceremony was beautiful! Perfect as others describe it. The day was perfect, sunshine and cool. A string quartet, mansion for a venue, and excellent catered brunch buffet. I understand that it is typical to have Arabic music played at a reception and both of us were in agreement that most of our guests would have been put off by it so we decided on strings. Other than two items, our ceremony was an entirely Islamic ceremony. The two elements that made it not completely Islamic were my father giving me away and that we had guests attend the ceremony. I am glad we had Christian guests at the ceremony because then part of the mystery surrounding Islam was removed.
Relating to the Husband's Family
Another factor is the power that the family of the husband has over acceptance of the wife. Of course, this is something we all have to do in marriage-to work out the relationship with our in-laws, but in this situation there is the added dimension of cultural differences. There is a strong attachment by most of the men to their families of origin and to their homelands, and what that family feels in accepting the wife may be very important. Sometimes it is strong enough to break up a marriage if families disapprove; some learn to live with a poor relationship with the husband's family, but the majority of these women respondents found love, acceptance, and pleasure in knowing their husband's family. They reported good communication between the families by letter and telephone and visits back to the husband's homeland. At times the relatives come to visit or reside in the United States or Canada.
1 have met my husband's family. I was scared to death to meet them-they had bad ideas about American women. They were shocked to see that I cover my face-they were visibly uncomfortable about it. Not a warm welcome, but no one tried to kill me! We live in my husband's family's home (in his country of origin). I have been here a year, and I have not been accepted-only a few of them have wholeheartedly welcomed me. Most of them have a fear that one day I'll leave and take the kids.
My husband and I truly felt I would be another one of the gang. Well, I'm not even close! I'm not sure I'll ever fit in as a true family member. As we anticipated, we have a lot of problems regarding Islamic practices. My husband's family is very westernized. The benefits of being near them have been for my husband and the kids-a bigger framework to fit into as full, permanent family members. +My husband's family was there when we married. His mother is Brazilian and converted upon her marriage so they are sympathetic to some of the difficulties. They are living in the U.S. now and will probably (when we can afford a big enough place) live part of the year with us. They will help the children and me with Arabic and also Portuguese. The difficulties will be their poor diet and exercise habits. I'm a health food nut (except for chocolate!) and my husband gets tense and weird around his father but this is improving.
We help support them financially and that does make our lives harder, but they lost everything in '67 war and again in the Gulf War. They were in Kuwait. They are simple people and so are we. +My husband's mother is very dear to me and we all cry very hard when the time comes for us to leave. It is like when I visit and leave my own family. Both my parents and his family care deeply for each other and mine sends gifts and calls when we are there.
I met my husband's family on a trip we made to his country. They are wonderful people, and they have been completely accepting even though I was a divorced American woman with kids who was not even Muslim, because I was important to their son and brother.
There are some areas that I have more or less difficulty fitting in. I'll never get used to having 35 and more relatives who don't think they have to knock, and think our private business is theirs. And I've never gotten comfortable taking off with the women for days at a time at larger gatherings. I made them assign a room to my family at a family wedding so I could get my own husband and children together if I wanted to-weird idea, I know. My husband puts up with my idiosyncrasies fairly well most of the time, and when he doesn't, his mother tells him he had better work out a middle ground with me! The benefits of relating to his family are that they are really a family with all the good and bad features thereof -something I had not really ever had before in my own family.
I met dozens of relatives in the first few weeks of being in Egypt, and it was a very stressful experience. Now I can say that his family and I get along well, and I am quite attached to them after having lived with them by myself for two months while my husband was in Saudi working. They've also accepted me, and feel comfortable with me, I think mostly because I showed them I was respectful of them and that I loved their son. The benefit is that I'll learn Arabic. The problem is always being aware of the fact that they're wary of Americans in general.
There are those who are even more warmly accepted by their husband's family than by their own. The following letter was written by one woman to her friend in the United States during a visit by the woman and her husband to his parents in Iran. +I've been here about one week now and everything is so wonderful. I have adopted my mother-in-law for my own. She is so wonderful. This first week has been interesting, meeting his family and trying to remember what customs to use and when. So far my husband has said that everyone says they love me, and I feel like I have been accepted. They treat me like a queen. My mother-in-law kisses me all the time and waits on me hand and foot. Not knowing for sure what to expect when I got here, I did a lot of unnecessary worrying. We were met at the airport by a lot of his family and it was a very touching moment, one I'll never forget. Mama is like an angel. I can't believe we waited so long to see her. I have spent a lot of time with tears because of what I see here. The family system here is unique with closeness that is beyond words. Some of my tears are due to the fact that I felt more love in one week from his family than from my own flesh who didn't even bother to say goodbye.
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Author: Carol L. Anway
