Alhassanain(p) Network for Heritage and Islamic Thought

Islamic Training Emphasized

The women expressed their concern about child-rearing in several areas. They especially want to pass on to their children the values of the Islamic community and religion. Living in a non-Muslim country makes it a little more difficult, and they feel they must train their children carefully. *Since I have become Muslim, I am more concerned about what my child sees and hears, and how that affects her. I want to raise her to choose Islam for herself, not force it on her. Of course, while I am raising her, I am making decisions I feel are right. I am teaching her values that are rarely taught to the children today in this country. I think it is my obligation as a mother to raise the next generation of Muslims to be good Muslims, good daughters and sons, good sisters and brothers, good husbands and wives, and good mothers and fathers.

My husband is the male role model for my daughter. He is not her natural father, but she loves him almost as if he were, and he loves her almost as if she were his own. I feel that he wants to impart good values to her, and on the children we will have,insha ' Allah. But I will be with them the majority of the time, so what they learn will come mostly from me. I do want him to be active in raising our children because I think they need active Muslim male role models. We need to give them love and kindness, and try to shape them gently so they will grow up knowing they are part of a loving Muslim family.

As Muslims we must raise and teach our children to the best of our knowledge and more. In Islam we are encouraged to seek knowledge. Everything that I do as a mom has something Islamic involved: teaching love, Qur'an, prayers, manners, cleanliness, etc. It really comes easy when you have Islam in your heart! There is more to child-rearing than I said, but all of my techniques come from Islam. My husband plays a big role in childrearing-more than is to be expected from a dad working eight to five. I must be more than an example and do my very, very best to give the best care.

My husband and I try our best to raise our children by the tenets of Islam. It is very difficult, however, once the children reach school age. They are exposed to so much that we would rather them not know about at a young age. Alhamdulillah, however, we have twohijab -wearing daughters, so I don't feel we're doing so badly. I hope my children will always feel free to come to me for support with any Islamic question. In turn, I expect them to listen to any guidance I may offer. Many of the women expressed that their parenting wasn't so much different than how they were reared except they are emphasizing the Islamic principles and training. They are very aware of and attentive to the influences in their children's lives and try to keep them from harmful influences even as they are guiding them toward an Islamic path.

My children are being raised very much as I was except I hope to home school them. As a child I was raised in a very tight family, restricted TV, lots of books, lots of camping, restricted friends and associations. Sunday was family only. My husband works 5 or 6 days a week, 12-14 hours a day. When he has time off, he plays with the children and often takes the three-year-old out for awhile to give me a break. I'm with them 24 hours so most of the education and discipline falls on me. We must raise our children to have a strong sense of self and self confidence. They must know Islam as based on principles, values, and logic not justhalal ,haram , andwajeb . We must help them find their best life's work and set them on the road to achieve it.

Though some of my child-rearing practices are family traditions from my childhood, even these are influenced by Islam. There is no way to separate one from the other. We must raise our childrenIslamically if we are to fulfill part of our obligations as Muslims such as teaching them how to pray and fast. My husband is very helpful but most of the time he is away from home. Therefore, much of the responsibility for teaching the children is on me. I expect my children to respect me as it says in the Qur'an and to obey me. +Islam has been my guide in raising my boys. They were born Muslim. They know, respect, and practice Islam. They pray five times a day just as I do. They study Islam with me on a weekly basis. Islam is our lifestyle. My husband is an equal partner. He wants to be an important part of their life and is. They have a great relationship. We have a strong family. There is no danger of problems of straying. Our boys are well-grounded in a time when gang violence and other peer pressures abound.

The parents tend to express a "tough love" policy by expecting the children to respect them and to respond. Discipline is extended but usually in a loving and guiding manner. Severe and harsh punishment is not reflected in the statements of these women, nor do they perceive harshness and abuse in discipline asIslamically acceptable. The following response gives an overview of the theory and practice of discipline as interpreted by one woman. +Parents must be loving and kind to their children. In Islam, the slapping, hitting, spanking, or shaking of children is prohibited. These are forms of abuse that Muslim parents must not use. We have numerous traditions against abuse from the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh ) and his holy family (pbut ). Because of this, I have tried to verbally explain to our children if they misbehave and demonstrate to them the correct behavior. Children so young cannot be expected to do what is correct and cannot benefit from a spanking because they do not understand it-they only know that they are being hurt. If the child runs into the street, hold the child by the hand or pick them up and hold them in your arms. Take the child to a safer place and watch them so they do not do it again. Spanking will not deter the child. It will just make him or her angry and then they will become sneaky, trying to do things when the parents are not watching.

My husband discusses the events that sometimes occur and the actions of our children. He points out their mistakes in judgment because he loves them and wants them to learn how to do what is right whenever they are presented with a similar situation in the future. He wants them to learn that they are responsible not only for their actions but also for the consequences of actions. I also discuss problems with our children; however, the two of us never reprimand our child at the same time. If one of us is discussing, the other one will stay silent because we do not want to gang up on him. Then we hug him and comfort him, reminding him that criticism of his action was done in love and we want only the best for him; that he should learn from his mistake and must not repeat the behavior. Of course, we forgive our children's mistakes and we do not keep talking about it over and over again. Parents should not constantly pick on their children. Children need to feel safe in their homes and not be nervous about everything they do. Some children may be more sensitive. than others and cannot accept criticism very well. They may need extra praise for their achievements to assure them that their parents love them. Praise can boost their self-esteem and then they may become more confident about themselves and their abilities.

As parents, we only ask that our children have respect for us, other people, and themselves. If a child is disrespectful of another person, it can become a habit that is hard to break. Our children are young and cannot make adult decisions. My husband and I make decisions for them. For example, we decided that when our children are promoted to junior high school, we would teach our children at home and they do not have any choice about this. As their parents, we feel we know what is best for them. The public school system constantly exposes our children to talk of (or activity in) alcohol, drugs, sex, and violence. After three months of home school, our middle child told me that he was glad that he was in home school because he had remembered the bullying he endured on a daily basis by a classmate the year before.

We also encourage their physical well-being by scheduling thirty minutes of exercise every morning. They have thirty minutes of free time after lunch to play basketball, work on the computer, or read. After school they may play soccer in the backyard or ride their bicycles on our street. They choose what kind of snack to prepare and then they must clean up the kitchen before leaving. With each responsibility that they take on, our children make us glad that they are learning and growing to be independent. Education for the children is a top priority, but it has to be in the right setting. Some have chosen to home school their children, others have the availability of an Islamic school, and some feel the public school setting is acceptable with the backup in values they give at home. The Islamic guidelines for education for children allows them to not start being "book" educated until after age six. But other training and education for life should be going on during the early formative years.

My child-rearing techniques are to instill family values and Islamic values into my children and if that means living in a closed situation (no public school, neighborhood friends) then so be it. Muslim children do not require formal education until age six or seven where they are required to sit and learn. I will not put them into a school of this type until then. I am not against exploring Western child psychology methods for behavior and learning, but they should correspond with Islamic ideas.

My husband helps with the children and stays with them when I am working or in class. He is interested in the children's upbringing, is very loving and kind. He is also somewhat strict, too, and that is good. Islamic schools are private schools and tuition is charged to help meet costs. In addition to tuition, transportation to and from school becomes a concern to parents and involves many miles of travel. Those who are able to arrange for Islamic schools for their children seemed very satisfied and very supported. Arabic, which is the religious language of Muslims, is taught as well as good discipline with kindness, the Qur'an, how to wearhijab , and the practices and obligations of Islam. Children in Islamic schools also build friendships with other Muslims their age and learn a peer standard that is different from that in the public schools.

Of course being Muslim has influenced the way we raise our children. My kids go to Islamic school even though I have to drive 15 miles to get them there. My husband is at home so he is very involved. My kids know that they owe me great respect and that paradise is under the feet of the mother. My obligation is to care for them and to raise them to be the best Muslims. +We follow Islamic principles so our child-rearing techniques are completely influenced by Islam. Again, we have the Islamic school to thank because we have support from them. My husband is very involved in child care. He likes spending time with the kids and that gives me a break. Also he likes spending time with me, so sometimes the kids go to a babysitter (a Muslim friend).

An alternative to attending an Islamic school is home schooling. This is working very well in some families where the mother is home and has the expertise and patience to do so. Sometimes the mothers share in the responsibility of teaching each other's children. A support group of and for parents of full-time and part-time home-educated Muslim children, The Islamic Home School Association of North America (LHSANA), assists by producing a newsletter. +In Islam, the raising of children is one of the most important things. Rearing one's children is the best possible way to bring a person closer to God. The first thing is to respect your child and his/her opinions even though it may be difficult. Because we want our children to grow up being good Muslims, we keep them away from negative influences as much as possible. In our case we decided public schools with the peer pressure and other negative teachings was not an option for us. Instead we home school. I do want them to have the freedom of friends so I let them meet American children (non-Muslim) but if I see anything negative, I pull them back and involve them in other activities.

The father of the children takes an active part in child rearing. He is involved in education with them-Islamic teachings, Qur'an, prayer, Islamic stories. He spends much of his free time with them. Raising children in any society takes a commitment from both mother and father. +Because of "negative" influence from the outside world, my husband didn't want the children to go to public school. This forced me to find an alternative, which existed in home schooling. Most of the child-rearing is my responsibility. He helps when he is asked, but not on a self-initiated "wanting to spend time with them" level.

My obligation is to discipline them toward one model, the Prophet Muhammad, and my right is to expect their submission and cooperation in this. Their rights are to expect shelter, food, clothing, and education; their obligation is to make this chore enjoyable to give, for them to be thankful for what they receive. +How I raise my child is very much influenced by being Muslim. I'm more cognizant of the satanic influences that come from all sides and, therefore, as of six months ago, we have no television. I've taught him in home school since he was in second grade and plan to continue. My husband is as involved as he can be. He helps when he's not working. Having a big extended family around (seven adults) also helps. My child is to obey me and remember God. He has chores and duties around the home. I am to provide love, food, clothing, teaching, and a balance of play to his life to give him as much God-conscience and Islam as I can.

Only one of the women commented about the experience of having a child in public school even though the objective part of the questionnaire indicated that 47 percent of the families had children in public school. Sometimes only one of the children in the family attended public school, and it varied as to whether the students attended public school in high school or elementary. There were also those who sent their children to private schools that were not Islamic. +Both my husband and I are trying to raise our children to be good followers of Islam. We take our girls totafseer classes and do a lot of things with our Muslim friends. We try to provide good role models for the children, believing it is important to keep them close to us and thus close to the faith. We also encourage outside activities like preschool and gymnastics so they will not feel isolated. We will provide alternative activities throughout their "growing-up" years so they will not feel alienated when not allowed to participate in activities at school which we feel are inappropriate for Muslims (eg . Christmas concerts, dances, mixed slumber parties, etc.). We believe it is possible to raise faithful followers of Islam in public schools for we have seen success stories firsthand, but we will seek alternative education routes if severe problems arise.

Parents Mutually Involved

The surveys indicated that both parents were involved in the care and training of the children. Reference was made to rights of children and parents from the aspect of rights that need to be extended to the children by the parents and from the children to the parents. They feel children's rights do not include having everything they may impulsively want. Children do have the right to be directed in the prescribed way through good parental guidance and have the right to safety, good care, and treatment that helps them maintain good self-esteem. On the other hand, parents have the right to receive respect and care from the children. Inherent in those guidelines for rights are respect, hard work, and a sense of authority that is often hard to maintain in our democratic setting where the children tend to claim their "rights" early on regarding what they want to do.

Ahadith [one of the sayings, deeds, and practices of Prophet Muhammad] says the first school is the lap of the mother. The only thing that has changed since my conversion is my awareness of my children's rights. It was easy to quiet them before but they have a right to be heard. It was easy to smack their buttocks before, but is the smack justified? You can't leave marks or scars inside or out. I must constantly be aware of their rights and my responsibility toward them, to feed, clothe, and educate them both academically and religiously. One day, I'll have to answer for all of it.

Our child-rearing techniques are conservative and strict with lots of love, hugs, and kisses. My husband has always participated in all child-rearing activities. My rights with the children are equal to that of my husband, if not a little extra on my side. My obligations are to provide them the environment, rules, and love that they will need to grow into compassionate, well-rounded adults with a clear view of right and wrong. Their rights and obligations to me are to treat me with respect.

As previously stated, the fathers are often very much involved in the care of the children whether or not the wife works outside the home or is involved in furthering her education. The fathers may feel especially strong needs to be involved in the guidance of their children when they are not living in a country that offers support to their Islamic principles. Lacking the presence of extended family may also foster a greater involvement with their children. Specific reasons for the active involvement by the fathers are not made clear in the responses of the women. The women do, however, seem to appreciate their husband's involvement in child care and training.

I am more concerned about what our children learn and who teaches them than I would be if I weren't a Muslim. My husband is very involved by spending time with them in the evenings, playing with them, reading to them, and teaching them things. He helps feed them and with potty training and sometimes gives them a bath. He takes our son with him sometimes when he has to go out, to spend more time with him and to give me a break. I am about 95 percent of the time obligated to take care of their every need. I am allowed to do anything within reason with them. I always have my husband's permission to take them with me wherever I go. +From day one, my husband has been very active and helpful with the child-rearing. He has been watching our daughter for several years while I worked outside the home. He has never hit her or spanked her, and plays with her often. I often feel he has high expectations sometimes not within reason in regards to dress, etc. Then we talk and obtain resolution.

My child-rearing techniques have not been influenced by being Muslim. I was already doing most of what I do before I converted. My level of patience and understanding in dealing with the children has improved, but I have not made any changes in the techniques. My husband is involved in caring for the children as much as he can be. When he is home we share the tasks just about equally. He bathes the children every other night, helps with hand washing and tooth brushing; deals with arguments, fixes snacks, and occasionally reads for our , nightly story time. My children are young (six and four). Our rights and obligations with respect to each other are still very basic. The responses of the women to their responsibility of child-rearing reflected how seriously they perceived that role. They yearn to provide the kind of training and opportunities that will result in their child becoming an adult who will be in submission to Allah and be good, practicing Muslims. Those of us who have raised children in our own religious traditions have yearned for our skills to be adequate to the task of rearing children in the path that would lead them to God. How similar are Our desires!

9. Respecting Divergent Path Working Together to Build And Maintain Relationships

Jodi's different lifestyle and dress were difficult for our whole family at first. Jodi's uncle, not many years older than she and always close to the family, made what he thought was a funny statement about her scarf in front of a visitor, and it hurt Jodi terribly. Yet he was the one who had dreams of Jodi being in danger and his being the one to rescue her. Her cousin, who had been a best friend growing up, no longer understood how to relate to her in this new lifestyle. Her grandma could not understand her ';choice that resulted in such changes, but Grandma, being basically kind and accepting, was able to deal with the situation in a loving way. There were stresses with other family members, but as time went by it all became easier. We are so grateful for the time and close proximity that we have had over the years to work through the various relational changes. Jodi and Reza certainly did their part too. They have had to decide where they could give, what was important to them, and how they could retain their commitment while maintaining family relationships. Each person (and each family) needs to define who he or she is, what they believe, and what values are important. This is an essential part of the growing up process for all people, regardless of culture. Therefore a wide diversity of beliefs and practices can exist within a family, a nation, or a religious system.

The Islamic world covers many countries, cultures, and ethnic peoples. What is the norm in one culture may not even exist in another Islamic area. There are five types of activity: (1) obligatory (2) encouraged (3) legal orhalal (4) cautionary, and (5) forbidden. The obligatory and forbidden acts are universal and should be practiced in all Islamic areas. Examples of obligatory acts would be the daily prayers and the fasting at Ramadan. Forbidden acts would be activities such as consuming alcohol, cheating, lying, and eating pork. The other three, encouraged (or highly important), the legal (halal ), or the cautionary fall in the category of personal choice. These would include doing extra prayers, getting married and having children, doing good deeds, or being cautious about behaviors such as gossip. There are many guidelines for living, and these may be highly influenced by one's particular community of Muslims, the school of Muslim thought one follows, or the traditions of the husband's country of origin.

American women converts are trying to combine who they have been in the past and their habits with the practices of Islam. The divergent path these daughters have chosen cause traditional relations to be changed. Social habits between Muslims and non-Muslims are different, belief systems may clash, and both the families of origin and the daughters will be called on to reestablish new ways to relate to each other. There are some guidelines that we can keep in mind as we relate to Muslims in the workplace, in the family, in public places, and as friends and acquaintances.

Food and Drink Considerations

Pork products and alcoholic drinks are consideredharam (forbidden) by practicing Muslims. They check labels carefully to be sure those products are riot in food items they purchase. Many practicing Muslims also try to eat onlyhalal (approved) meats that are slaughtered in a prescribed manner. These meats are purchased at specialty stores, or the families butcher their own meat in the appropriate manner. Checking with the Muslim family is the only way to determine what is best to serve when they come to visit. Vegetarian meals or fish are acceptable alternatives, or they may bring anhalal main entree to be served along with what is being prepared. Some of the women expressed concern about eating when visiting families.

Stress usually comes up when we visit my parents. Since we eat only Muslim slaughteredhalal meats, we are reluctant to eat anything, so we would bring our own food. Even though we have explained the Islamic method of slaughter, I feel that they are uncomfortable with us bringing our own food. They thought this was another rejection, as if their food was not good enough for us or was unclean. However, when they come to visit in our home, they eat whatever I cook and we seem to have a much happier and less stressful time. I would never leave my child with my parents. There is too much pork in the house. The worst thing about visiting my folks is eating. They don't care what they eat. My parents sometimes get mad when I tell them I can't eat the same food they are eating.

I do not leave my children with my family. We have never visited for more than a couple of hours at a time since I became Muslim. In doing this, I also avoid another potential problem-that ofhalal food. My parents do not understand or accept the concept ofhalal /haram food. We simply avoid the issue and don't eat at their house. Alcohol is offensive to most Muslims and they would feel more comfortable if it is not served when they are present. They may even avoid restaurants that have a bar or serve liquor. They may often avoid business lunches or company picnics where alcohol is served.

Modesty in Dress and Social Relationships

Many Muslims try to avoid places or media that feature scantily clad persons or actions that are considered offensive. Even family swimming pools may be off limits. The woman may be dressinghijab and covering her hair by way of normal practice when in the presence of men other than her father, husband, sons, or brothers. She will appreciate the family's help in providing a chance for her to cover if other male company drops by. It is also important to be aware of the type of television programs viewed when Muslim children are present. Some of the children's shows most American kids watch may not be considered appropriate for children by the Muslim mom and dad. Non-Muslims should find out what is allowable if the children are involved; even many Muslim adults don't allow themselves to watch everything that is on. Scenes that show dating relationships, dancing, or scantily clad women are common ones to avoid.

Islamically , I don't like for the children to watch commercials or dancing, rap music, dating situations, looseness on TV, anything which you can see by turning it on for two minutes or less. I would prefer they not get used to musical instruments or music which has adult rock -and-roll rhythm even if it has children's lyrics. My parents are pretty good about avoiding these things. There are also guidelines for male/female relating. Males do not shake hands with females and often will not look directly at them. Men should not reach out to touch Muslim women or be too openly curious or friendly. One should be reticent but pleasant. Usually, the safe approach is for the men to talk with men and the women to talk with women. Women will often greet other women with a cheek-to-cheek greeting.

Celebrating the Holidays and Gift Giving

American holidays may be very difficult for the families of origin of the Muslim converts and for Muslims in general. Office parties featuring alcohol, dancing, and/or flirting relationships; the giving of gifts such as liquor, hams, turkeys; national or Christian religious ceremonies and decorations-all these are unacceptable to Muslims. Avoidance of holiday celebrations may be the behavioral norm for Muslims in the business world. For the families, holiday times have been worked out in a variety of ways. Some of the women respondents refused to be part of the traditional Western celebrations at all. Others have modified the celebrations in order to be with the family. Still others participate in almost the same way as before.

My children have the best of both religions. My parents and in-laws make a big deal about Christmas. We accept their gifts and explain the concept to our boys. They don't serve us pork or alcoholic beverages. My family is my life. No problems. Lots of love-always was! Thanksgiving seems to be one holiday that can most easily be worked through ifhalal meat or an alternative is served. Attitudes toward participation may change as the couple have children, and the Muslims may feel a need to withdraw from holidays they are now celebrating that reflect non-Muslim religious holidays or even national holidays. Birthdays may not be celebrated in the same way as non-Muslims and activities may need to be negotiated. Muslim holidays are of great importance to the Muslims, and they celebrate with great commitment.Eid al-Fitr , the most important celebration of the year, is on the first day after the month of Ramadan (the month of fasting). Gifts are sometimes given, cards are sent, and families of origin may be included if it is convenient and families are willing. This inclusion seems to be an exception, however, forEid is most often celebrated with other Muslims. The women have found many problems with celebrating Christian or national holidays with their birth families and have had to determine the extent to which they were willing to be with the family at such times.

I try to avoid talking about the "holidays." My brother and sisters understand that I don't celebrate them, and they respect me for it. But my parents don't understand and keep asking every year if I'm coming over for the holidays and what to do with the presents they got for me, my husband, and kids.

My father's mother was ill when he was young, and his father was an alcoholic. My mother's birth mom abandoned her at two years of age. So my parents always tried to do special things during the holidays with my brother and me (we were the only family they felt they had). My not celebrating Christmas any longer was especially hard for them. We accommodated their feelings with much compromise on their part. They may buy our children Christmas gifts and the children may only open them after we read and recite passages from the Qur'an regarding Jesus' birth, Mary, the Mother of Jesus and commandments about what to believe in the Qur'an. Thanksgiving is enjoyed withhalal (Islamically allowed) turkey killed in the prescribed manner but no baked ham. We've basically turned it into a good excuse to eat together! My parents agree that is most important. It helps establish and maintain family bonds and memories.

My mom, dad, and brother get anxious forEid gifts which now take the place of Christmas gifts. I really try to emphasize the Islamic holidays for the sake of my children. I do get a lot of competition with my mom and Christmas, so I have to emphasize Islamic holidays more than most.

My family doesn't really follow Christmas as a Christian holiday (not as Christ's birthday), but since everybody usually has Christmas off and many brothers and sisters have married those who do practice, we now have a family dinner and some exchange gifts. I would like to include my family more in our Islamic celebrations. But many times that means traveling two or three hours to where other Muslims gather. There have not been that many chances. Often the main part of celebration is a special congregational prayer, which they would not participate in anyway, since they are not Muslim.

I sendEid cards and candy to my nieces and nephews.

LastEid was the first time I gave presents to my family in exchange for the presents they gave us at Christmas. For my Islamic holidays,Eid al--Fitr andEid al-Adha , I send my momEid cards that are homemade. And I will put such things as:Hadith -Heaven lies below the mother's feet, etc. I invite them to eat at the park or at the mosque during the Islamic holidays. My mom and my sister do come to see what it is like. Because they live in another state, my family has never participated in any of our Islamic celebrations. They keep their distance, and we each allow the other to be as we are. I call some of my relatives on the telephone, and I send letters or cards at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Sometimes if I cannot reach them on Christmas, I call them and wish them a Happy New Year on the first day of January. When we first got married, we went for Christmas and exchanged gifts. But this year we have a child, and we need to get them used to the idea of our not being involved in Christmas. My parents sent us gifts this year and we thanked them, but we didn't give them any. And we didn't send out cards. We do plan on celebratingEid , and we are going to send them a card to explain what we do. Hopefully it won't be an issue by the time our daughter is older. I do want her to know my side of the family, so we will have to work on how to do that. I think that for my family of origin the main point of stress was probably Christmas-whether it's okay to give us gifts, include us for dinner, etc. It took a lot of time and talk to come to terms with Christmas because I cannot turn my back on my family of origin. My husband and I joined my family for dinner and received gifts from them with the understanding that this is a celebration in which we do not participate and that we wouldn't be reciprocating the gift exchange. We will, however, reciprocate by including my family in our Islamic celebrations. Everyone was in agreement with this idea and the spirit of the "season" was not dampened.

My family doesn't show any interest in our Islamic holidays. I tell them about them a few weeks or a month ahead of time, but they don't seem to care, and I think they avoid being around us during that time. Gift giving goes along with holiday and birthday times. Being open to discussions on how these occasions could be observed helps preserve the joy of sharing as a family or in the office setting. Creating some new traditions that respect each other's feelings might make the occasion more special than ever.

Parents (or other relatives) may find it best to forego giving Muslims presents on non-Muslim holidays, choosing instead to give gifts at other times, either on their holidays or just for the sake of giving. One could also find out whenEid is and ask about sending gifts then, checking to see what gifts are appropriate. American toys such as Batman, the Turtles, Power Rangers, or Barbie and Ken may be completely off-limits. Even clothes with Thomas the Tank Engine or bed sheets with Barney may not be acceptable. If parents talk it over with their daughter, they will probably discover she has some good ideas. Then if parents want to give gifts, they can follow the guidelines agreed on and do it with joy. They know we are Muslim and that we don't celebrate Christian holidays the same way they do. My mother sometimes sends gifts to our children for no particular reason-just because she sees something they might like. She also sends gifts at Christmas time. We accept them as gifts for the New Year. We celebrate Jesus' birth, may God's peace be upon him, with a prayer.

My family of origin lives far from us and have very little understanding of Islam and theEid holidays. So far, they have not been included in our Islamic celebrations, but if they lived closer to us they would be included as much as they would like to be. My sisters and parents (father and stepmother) are sensitive to the fact that we don't celebrate Christian holidays. They always ask before giving or doing anything which could be construed to be related to such holidays. They respect our holidays. I have no concerns about the children with them. It helps that we have a varied family encompassing many types of religions: Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, and Muslim. It is an unspoken family rule to respect others' beliefs so long as they aren't harming themselves or others. Both my parents' families do this.

Leaving the Children in the Care of Others

Some Muslim parents are willing to let the children stay with the grandparents or others for a few hours or overnight, but it isn't often. Muslim parents feel very responsible and have so many things they want controlled in their children's environment that those outside the Muslim family almost have to prove themselves. This is true of extended family members or even with non-Muslim neighborhood children. Careful consideration is even given when leaving children in the care of other Muslims. It is best to listen to the concerns of the parents and try to follow the rules. Such ordinary things as bathroom habits require different learning by non-Muslims. Being supportive of Muslim religious views with the children and refraining from "indoctrinating" with opposing views will be much appreciated by the parents. Care should be taken about the television programs or music that is played in their presence. Providing the right food and omitting the forbidden foods is also important.

My parents often request for the children to sleep over. The children and others have noticed my mom asking the children if they have prayed and reminding them to do so. (Appropriate if done from Islamic viewpoint!) My area of concern is my ten-year-old daughter. Mom thinks she is too young to worry about modest dress and buys her mini-skirts, which I hurriedly hide away. My daughter does not wearhijab yet, but she is accepting of the idea and very positive about it. She does dress modestly outside the house mostly in cotton printed long sleeves, loose fitting pants or a long skirt.

1 visit my family on a regular basis. I let my mother watch the children for three to four hours, but with other grandchildren at my mother's it is hard for me to leave them. I worry more about my children picking up non- Islamic ideas more from peers than from adults (e.g., when nieces playBarbies they usually have Ken and Barbie dating). The cousins also have boyfriends or girlfriends at school that they talk about. My children will always be welcome at my parents, and my mother is wonderful with the kids. My family knows they do not have to change to accept me the way I am now. My child gets no different treatment than any other child except they know he can't have beer, pork, or any foods that we don't allow.

During the summer my brothers would always let their children spend a week or two with my parents, but our children never went to visit their grandparents without my husband and me. They never tried to push us or persuade us because they knew our children could not eat their food. 1 know if we left our little girl alone with my mom when she is older, she would try to Christianize her, and that I cannot abide by! The fact that I can't trust her causes me great sadness-the depth of which my husband cannot understand. I must abandon my mother for her own stubbornness but this I do, not only for the good of my marriage and family but for my own good as well. Leaving my child is difficult in that they feed him too much junk food and spoil him, which I know is usual forgrands . The biggest concern is him not eating anything buthalal meat, so they get upset when he can only eat fish and vegetarian meals.

My parents have assured me that if God forbid, something should happen to my husband and me, they would make sure our children would be raised Muslim and keep close with my husband's family. Both his and my family have mutual concern and respect for each other. The Daily Prayers Often in the fervent discussion regarding school prayer, no consideration is given to those who may be of a religious faith other than Christian. Muslim youth are brought up to pray five times a day with at least two of those times during the school day. Yet any consideration to providing for their needs for a place and time to pray is probably avoided in most discussions on school prayer.

This also becomes a problem for those Muslims in the business world who need to have both place and time scheduled to allow them the privacy for a few minutes, probably twice a day, to perform this obligatory practice. When they visit us, Jodi and Reza feel free to go into another room of the house that isn't being used when it is time for their prayers. If non-Muslim parents are uncomfortable with this practice, an agreement should be worked out with all parties involved. My parents are very considerate of our beliefs. They have no problems with us praying at their house, are extremely careful of what they fix us to eat, and try not to say anything offensive.

Muslims may feel very uncomfortable when prayers are offered in the name of Jesus Christ and try to avoid situations where this may occur. I am grateful that my parents understand our feelings of being in offense if we are present when a prayer is-given in the name of Jesus. They are careful to close their prayers "In the name of our Mutual God, Amen."

Religious and Political Discussions

I have found that Muslims are very certain about what they believe. They feel they have the truth, and they can't understand Why non-Muslims don't see it. As with all people, a variety of opinions and interpretations also exists among Muslims, and political or religious discussions can become quite animated whether between Muslims or between Muslims and non-Muslims. One day after I got into either a religious or political discussion with Reza and Jodi, I started to cry. It was just too much for me. "Jodi," I said, "we just can't talk about this topic anymore-it hurts me too much." Jodi said, "Oh, Mom, we can't do that; we have to talk about it.

Reza gave us these words of wisdom: "Sometimes, even in my own family, we find things that we can't talk about, and we just have to be together because we love each other." And that has been good advice for us many times. Oh, we try to talk, and Jodi and Reza know just about how far they can push me before I get upset-then they back off. Their beliefs mean so much to them that they want to share them and yet it often sets up explosive situations for family and acquaintances.

I love my parents dearly and respect them to the utmost extent. I just wish they would ask me what I believe or just read a bit of the Qur'an. Of course I would like to see them embrace Islam, but at this point or anytime in the near future it is not realistic.

When I am visiting my family I feel as though I'm surrounded by idols, but since they accept my Islam I tolerate their beliefs also. I hope to just keep things going as is and keep in touch with my parents, especially since we have a baby now. They are my parents and I should care for them. Everything seems to be a point of stress for our family. It is difficult to talk about anything except the weather, the car we're thinking about buying, what vacation we'll take next summer.

The women's responses on the questionnaire indicate there are a variety of ways to work things out with the family of origin. There are also those families not as open as others. There is a difference in how far and how open some can go. Although questions on the survey were not directed toward relationships in the business world, I have, in my own conversations with Muslims often picked up their frustrations connected with social relationships, holidays, lack of understanding, and the feelings of prejudice toward them. The stories seem to illustrate that many times the more cooperative and supportive the family or acquaintances are, the less conservative the women feel they have to be. A more strict attitude may be a protective response to lack of support and trust.