Introduction
If we want to put a big signboard at the beginning of this topic, shall we find a better or more suggestion than the following: “Oh my son! Consider yourself a scale between yourself and others; love for your brother what you love for yourself, and hate for your brother what you hate for yourself.
Do notoppress
as you don't want to be oppressed; do good to others as you want for yourself, dislike for others what you dislike for yourself. Accept people as they also accept you; do not say what you do not know, even if your knowledge is little, and do not say (to others) what you hate to be said to yourself.”
In short, this “signboard” wants to tell us: Make yourself a balance between you and other people; a positive thing in relation to you is positive to others, and likewise, anything negative to youis also
negative to others. Indeed, if we take this golden advice, what can we get from it?
1- Practicing this theory will make us just, and justice is the main aim of the whole humanity. There is nothing more superior and more important as justice among people. With this theory, you cannot wait for justice to reach you from others; rather you go for itso as to
be the first person to practice it. Naturally, good attracts good, and justice calls toward justice.
2- Practicing this precious theory will change life from a place of massacres and bomb blasts to a place of beauty and growth. In other words, itwill be changed
into a small paradise.
When someone, brothers, friends or any other human being, becomes related tome
.I
remember him in my happiness andunhappi-ness
.I
understand what makes him sad by what makes me sad.And
, likewise, when I know what he likes by what I like and I do it for him, I will be among those who turn the dryness of life into paradise and happiness.
In addition, this theory is not Islamic alone, rather it, also, relates to the sense of humanity. Thus, Islam - as it is clear - is human in nature in all its teachings.And
not only Islam, but, all the Divine religions believe and follow such moral and social principles. Even some psychologists and sociologists call toward it in the process of social rehabilitation and human relations.
JamesBander
, the head of the Civil Institute for Human Relations in New York,said:
“The first theory described by the philosophers is the view represented in the eternal saying: 'Love for your brother what you love for yourself'“. Itis derived
from the theory that helps in attracting people, and regards it as the first and most important step in reaching “an attractive personality.”
The author of the book, “How to Attract Friends”,
Dayel
Carnigy
has said: “Show your concern toward others to the best of your ability, because it is your wealth which will increase in growth whenever you spend it.” The question here is this: Is the path of attaining an Islamic and social personality - the one which makes you love and be loved - you like it andother
people like it -practica-ble
?
(With all simplicity, we cansay:
Yes…but!)
The word 'but', in most instances, changes things upside down, but here it is just a reminder, reminding us that the 'yes' requires a particular and special effort in order to make it good and perfect. Because the art of social relations is like any other art, we cannot obtain it just like that, rather it is an art, which requires action and endeavor.
It is possible, in the initial stage, that we will find it difficult, but with time it will become enjoyable;
a social and spiritual enjoyment. One day you will find yourself opening hearts to those close to yousaying:
“I am ready to let you into my heart… I am ready to do it!”
By this, you will see that the closed hearts of others toward you will be opened to you once they see and feel the sincerity of your love and respect towards them, because there is nothing more attractive to love than love, to the heart more than the heart, to kindness more than kindness, to good relations than goodrelations
. An experienced philosopher said: “The possessors of intellects have many enviers, but those who possess hearts, their friends are many.”
It is, unanimously, accepted by people that man is a social being that attracts and is attracted, to the extent that if he lives alone for aperiod of time
he will become wild. In both cases - happiness and misery - he needs someone who will accompany him, who will share his happiness at the time of happiness, and likewise, his sorrow at the time of sorrow.
From here, we understand that the saying “others are evil” propagated by Western artists, is originated from the values that lack the warmth of social relations and from the feeling caused by the non-Islamic society, as well as, from the competitive environment which many a time encourages toward harming others.
Indeed, a true believer living in a safe society can never accept and live under this black and harmful theory. It is possible that our friends might cause some problems for us, but we can, through wisdom,patience
and caution, find a way to attract them toward us and, thereafter, we know how to make them our friends.
Itis reported
from the former United States president Abraham Lincoln that a woman heard him praising his enemies. She asked him in a surprisingtone:
“You are praising those enemies who are working for your destruction?” He said: “Am I not destroying them when I make them my friends?!
”
Before him (Lincoln), the Prophets (peace be uponthem)
and their leader the Holy Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w
.) had followed this way of breaking the enmity of their foes and making them their friends.And
, likewise, this way was followed by the Holy Imams (Ahlul
-Bait) (a.s
.) and other saints. They made their enemies their friends and followers.
Indeed, it is a great human theory for the one who faces evil with good. He will strike down evil and make it shake like a slaughtered animal until it breathes its last breath. It makes the value of a kind person rise to the state of the Kind and the Forgiver.Indeed
it is one of Allah's traits, which becomes compulsory for us, as Muslims, to practice.
A Prophetic narration, in this regard, says: “Dogood
to the possessor of good as well as to those who lack it, because even if they are not from those who do good, you have become one of the doers of good.” Thus, this moral way will take us from the state “envy and evil” to the state of those who practice love and goodness to others. The first state is a state of destruction while the second one is a state of life and growth.
In view of this, if we want to attest to the development and growth of a particular society, we should look into its social relations. If the principles of ethics and its manners govern the relations among its people, we will evaluate that the society is moving toward development and growth.And
, likewise, its people, who respect the laws and theories of social development the way a driver respects the laws and regulations of driving, are on the verge of development and civilization.
It is a mistake to think those moral laws and regulations limit man and his activities in thecommunity,
or it is in contrast with the meaning of freedom. Indeed, road signsare meant
for protecting lives, to reduce the occurrence of painful happenings, as well as, preserving the general security, not for paralyzing people's movement. Thus, moral lawsare also meant
for protecting the society, as well as, its development.
Thus,naturally
we are social beings, and this is what was outlined in many prophetic narrations, like: “Whoever mixes with people and endures their troubles is better than the one who neither mixes with people nor endures their troubles.”And
in anotherhadith
: “Mix with people so as to complete your religion”, and “Staying away from people is a step toward enmity.”
In many places, Islam calls us as Muslims to make a sincere and powerful relationship with Islamic societies, as well as, with other people from different religions and schools of thoughtprovided that
we should safeguard the teachings, morals and principles of our religion 'Islam' and its legislative laws.
Indeed, the one who runs away from people, lives in isolation, casts his problems upon others, and considers them (his problems) hell, and suffers from their behavior, such man never wants to live in reality, nor lightens even one candle or two instead of remaining in darkness and insulting others.
Prophet Moses (a.s
.), while talking to his Lord, said: “Oh Lord! Protectme
from people's tongues. Hesaid:
Oh Moses! You are asking something that I didn't make it forMyself
.” Indeed, there is a lesson in the famous story that talks about a father and his child and their donkey for those who want to consider.
One thing that will make people accept you and be friendly with you and, your being friendly with them, is their justice and good morals toward you and vice versa. One day a Bedouin, fromBani-Tamim
tribe, came to the Holy Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w
.), and said: “Advise me”.
Among the Prophet's advice to him was this: “Love people so that they will love you.”And
the Holy Prophet (s.a.w
.) said: “Do not pursued people with your wealth, pursued them with your good habits.”
Therefore, Islam suggests that we call people without using our tongues. Piety is propagation (calling people to Islam), good relationship is propagation, honesty, sincerity, and justice are allpropagation which
have a wonderful effect that words can never achieve.
It is narrated that a Jew accepted Islamas a result
of being affected by the good morals of Imam Ali binAbi-Talib
(a.s
.) who learned from the Holy Prophet (s.a.w
.). In this regard, a proverbsays:
“Actions speak louder than words.”
Unfortunately, some of our youth, sometimes, regard and take certain bad examples and proverbs as their models andpacesetters,
as a result, they lose their social respect and consideration among people and are pleased for themselves by such bad, negative and dispraised dependence. Among themare:
“Behaving like others is a feast” is thesaying
of a yes-man who always says: “I am from the people and I am one of them.” The Holy Prophet (s.a.w
.) prohibited Muslims from being yes-men, who do not know the succor of good from the succor of evil.
Among the bases of this art (the art of social relation) is to be a pacesetter of others in doing good. If you want to take some people as friends take those whowere guided
by Allah: those who have good morals.
“These are they whom Allah has guided, therefore, follow their guidance;…
” Holy Qur'an (6: 90)
Mu'awiyyah
binWahab
is reported to have said: I asked ImamJa'far
al-Sadiq
(a.s
.): “How can we deal with our people and those people who are not on our way?” Hesaid:
“Look at your Imams whom you followed, and do as they do, by Allah! They visit their sick ones, and participate in their funeralprocessions,
they become their witness for and against them and give them their trust.” From all these introductions, we will try to answer the following four questions:
1- Regarding an attractive Islamic personality, how can one be effective in the society?
2- Baseon the basis of
the theory of morals…how can we proceed socially?
3- On the basis of the negative part of relations…what are the factors that destroy relations and harm them?
4- Andon the basis of
good pacesetters…. What are the practical factors of a pioneer, sound, and righteous personality, which improve good relations with others?
1
First- How Can One be EffectiveAmong
People? First- How Can One be EffectiveAmong
People?
Good morals and sound relations can be a common and general language of the world, but one can rarely find a society that hates truth and justice or likes theft,injustice
and aggression. Even if you find a society like this, it would be a backward and primitive society that lives outside the realm of humanity and civilization;
an abnormal society, which can never be taken into consideration.
Thus, all sermons, regulations,recom-mendations
, and advises in different religions are one or are close to each other, this is because man is one even though individual approaches differ. And the source of all messages is one, even though its teachings differ - and its aim and objectives are one, bringing good morals into the life of people.
Therefore, it is not surprising to see the aim of the Last Divine Message being what was reported from the Holy Prophet (s.a.w
.) that: “I was sent to complete good morals.” Thus, we must try our best to practice these laws of morals in all our undertakings. The following are ways of deriving social respect and consideration:
1- Smiling: It is a magic key with which we open people's heart.
This shinning and attractive act, which moistens the lips and lightens our face, speaks the sound word saying to others: I love you, I want you to be my friend,I
want to have a good relationship of love and affection with you.
It is charming because the other fellow - whether he likes it or not - will answer it in kind like or even better. It is reported in a prophetic narration that: “Smiling at the face of your friend (brother) isan alms
.”
The general moral law states: “Smile and the world will smile with you. When you smile you are using thirteen parts of your face, whereas you are using 74 parts when you frown!!”
Thus, why do you suffer your body in something which has no benefit, or in something whose result will be harmful?!
”
It is also stated in this law that:“ The
parts of the face are the best indicators of the feelings of its possessor.” The smiling face is the best source of attracting friendship and relations with others. It is better than a gift presented by someone. Then, what is the need for stinginess?
Smile for all, be they young and old. In this way, you will surely motivate others for smiling and spread a warm and friendly atmosphere among them. In this respect, a well-known Chinese proverb says: “Theone
who does not know smiling well, should not open a shop.” because smiling is a successful seller.
2- Handshaking: It is a great hearty expression of love of the hand giver to the hand receiver; indeed, it is a general language of love and kindness thatdoesn't
need a translator. Whenever you put your hand into the hand of your friend, both of you will feel the sense of love and affection for each other.
Itwas reported
in a narration encouraging handshaking to the extent that whenever two people shake hands their sins will fall away the way the dried leaves of a tree fall. Imam Muhammad al-Baqir
(a.s
.) said: “When two people meet and shake hands, Allah will turn to them, and their sins will fall as the leaves of the tree fall.”
3- Greetings: Greetings between people is an expression of love and affection.But
, the Islamic greeting “Assalamu
Alaikum
” (i.e. peace be upon you) is full of greater expression than the one mentioned above. It is an expression of peace, which the whole world is looking for.
From this, we can understand whatwas reported
in a narration. “The Almighty Allah likes he who starts greeting.” Whenever you extend your greetings to whomever you meet, whether you know him or not, you are extending flowers of love and peace on people's way, as well as, putting peace and tranquility into their hearts.
The great achievement, for a person, is when others feel secure and have peace of mind whenever they meet him.And
what a good behavior, when peace is exchanged with peace, while answering greetings in kind with what is better than that.
Based on general moral laws, a poet has said:
“In every hour of the day
You can give something as a gift.
It might be smiling,
And
it might be extending hands in hand shaking.
And
it might be a word;
Through which you strengthen others' determinations.”
4- Embracing: If smiling is a key to a bright meeting and greetings are a source of tranquility and handshaking is a greeting from a heart to another heart, then embracing is a source of expressing what smiling, greetings and hand shaking were unable to express.
The Holy Prophet (s.a.w
.)is reported
to have embracedJa'far
al-Tayyar
and kissed his face.And
, likewise, his grandson ImamJa'far
al-Sadiq
(a.s
.) was reported to have said: “The best and most complete greeting of he who is at home is handshaking, and the best and complete greeting for a traveler is an embrace.” There is no difference whether he is going or coming back from the journey.
5- In our daily life, a name has a great role to play more the story of naming someone on the day of his birth…it is our companion who may leave his effect on us positively or negatively. It is in view of this that Islam enjoins on us to call people by their best name. If he wants us to call him with his realname
we must call him by it, and if he wants us to use his surname we must call him by it. It is good even to add more phrases in the names to show our respect for him.
Itis said
in the moral laws that: “If you want people to love you, call them by their names because the name of a person is the most loveable thing to him. When you address a person and call him by his name, you are giving him respect, which he will thank you for in return. But, when you forget his name, he will regard it as disrespect to him.”
6- Paying attention to what others are saying is a good habit, which expresses love and respect to the speakerso as to
make him feel at ease in saying all that is on his mind without interruption. A prophetic narration has enjoined us not to cut a speaker off while speaking, because it is a form of disrespect.
The Holy Prophet (s.a.w
.)said:
“Whoever cuts his own Muslim brother off while he is speaking - it is as if he scratched his face.” This is because what a speaker requires is that all earsshould be turned
to what he is saying.But
if he has finished his speech, you have the right to ask, shed more light on or repute his sayings.
Apart from the fact that disrupting a speakerdoesn't
give one a chance to hear what is in the heart of the speaker, it also hurts his feelings to the extent that he may misunderstand. Most speakers respect those who listen to them even if their speech is of not much importance. Imam Ali (a.s
.) said: “In the past, I had a brother- in-faith, …he
was more eager for keeping quiet than speaking…”
Itis said
in the general moral law that: “The best of speakers is he who listens attentively to others. He who talks about his own personality, anddoesn't
think except about his own self is egoistic. A person with such a habit is an ignorant fellow who drags himself to pity. If you want to earnan efficiency
in talking, and people to love you, you must be a good listener and encourage the other side to express him.”
One of the philosophers said: “I have never learned anything while I was talking.”
7- It might be possible that you will not know that I love you unless I tell you, or you might know it in a general form, but you will not know it deeply if I don't tell you, or I express it with good words, feelings, sincerity, or by presenting a valuable gift; etc...
It is one of the Islamic morals that if you love someone you should reveal it to him and not hide it from him so that to make him feel that you love him and do everything to repay the love. Indeed, loving words have achieved desirable results thatcannot be expressed
.
ImamJa'far
al-Sadiq
(a.s
.) was reported to have said: “If you love someone tell him, because that will make your relationship firm.” It is also among moral behavior to: “Make it your habit to narrate to others the sweetness of what you have heard or read. Do not forget your courteousbehavior which
expresses sincerity,
grant
others good and sincere assessment of all the services they have rendered to you, be it material or spiritual, because it is one of the factors that brings confidence and firm love in the heart. The difference between assessment and adulation is that there is sincerity in assessment while adulation is just lies and destruction.”
8- A word of thanks and assessment is a good and beautiful expression of concern and assessing the good habit done to you. Itis hoped
that it will continue. Thus, it is compulsory to thank the doers of good. Itis reported
in one narration that: “Whoever doesn't thank his fellow beings doesn't thank the Creator.” The Almighty Allah has combined thanking Him and parents in one verse to show the importance of thanksgiving to the one didgood
to you, whether He is the Lord, a father or a mother. “Be grateful untoMe
and unto your parents” Holy Qur'an (31: 14) It is also narrated in ahadith
that: “Thanks giving which exceeds the limit is adulation, while the shortening of thanks from the limit is faltering.”
Among the methods of thanks giving is revealing the special peculiarity of the thing that is worthy of thanks. You should know that an individual giving thanks, that is to every sincere helper, is more beneficial than the general thanks, because everyone will be pleased with, and may turn all the thanks and assessment, to the person concerned. Indeed, all thanks, encouragement, good words that express thanks and assessment and praying for his success andrewards,
are all forms of thanksgiving that we ought to abide by, if we want to create good human relations between people.
It is said in general moral lawsto:
“Spend your day thanking people, in the afternoon thank many people, and before you go home at night, you must thank as many people as you can. Because thanking people is part of their environment that surrounds them and it shows your concern for them and, likewise, it has its own role in human health.”
9- There is nothing superior in heart and intellect than to find an excuse for a mistake done to me by someone, because by this it lifts the heaviness of the mistake and gives me self-confidence, as well as, educates me on how to deal with others peacefullyand, also,
seek their apology whenever I make a mistake.
Itis reported
in onehadith
to: “Give your brother seventy possibilities. If you didn't find an excuse for him, seek an excuse for him.” Imam Ali (a.s
.) said: “Do not regard the word that comes out of the mouth of someone as evil, while you can find a possibility of good in it.” This shows the importance of building anything on its positive possibility and takes the mind away from any negative interpretation, even if we exhaust all possibilities and there remains only one negative possibility, we should try to find an excuse to clear our brothers from blame.
It is said in the method of morals to: “Try to gain the power of clearing shame and incapability in the mind of your fellow brother…because the words 'you have made a mistake' is the fastest way of attracting enmity.” We have already mentioned ways to draw the attention of the one who made a mistake without hurting his feelings.
10- Indeed, there is a great difference between those who assess others and make them feel that they are important to the society and do not withhold from people the things that are their due, and those who make them their source of laughter and mockery. The first group attracts people while the second one makes people away from them. The Almighty Allah had prohibited this in His saying:
“Let not a people laugh at (another) people (to scorn) who happily may bebetter than them;
nor let women laugh at other women who happily may be better than these…” Holy Qur'an (49: 11)
Itwas narrated
in ahadith
that: “The Almighty Allah has hidden His most pious servants among His servants.” This narration explains to us that there is a possibility that the man we are mocking might be greater and more superior, in the sight of Allah,than
us. Thus, this narration that teaches us how to treat people as great is not only a moral narration, rather it, also, teaches us a lesson; the art of social relations and value.
ImamJa'far
al-Sadiq
(a.s
.) said: “If you see someone who is older than you, you should say: He has passed me in greatness. And if you see someone who is your junior, in terms of age, say: I have passed him in sinning, and if you see someone who is your age, then say: I am knowledgeable with myself but I do not know what is in his mind.” In every circumstance, you should give less importance toyour self
and think good of others. Is there any moral teaching, which encourages its followers to go high, better than the moral teachings of Islam?!
Itis said
in the moral laws: “Do not mock and laugh at others, rather make them feel that you have concern for them. If you want people to love you, show them concern and assessment that will give them more hope… leave them to feel their importance… find something in them that is good and talk about it;
do
not destroy that beautiful condition. Indeed, people differ, but you must find something good in them, if not in their creation, in their spirit. As you are hoping for yourself bliss and respect, make others, who are your brothers in humanity, also feel the same… indeed men - including me,you
and the rest - are sentimental first, then later in the second stage become rational.”
11- Have a glance at your surroundings… look at them carefully… you can never find someone who is free from some form of goodness even those whom at first sight you think are lacking in it. If we consider the positive features of others, we can draw them to our side.
It is reported that one day Prophet Jesus (Isa) (a.s
.) and one of his followers passed by a dead and rotten dog. The man said: “This dog smells bad.”But
, Jesus (a.s
.) only looked at the whiteness of its teeth and said: “This dog has white teeth.” He looked at the positive side of the dog even though we see nothing attractive in the dog.
When Imam Musa al-Kadhim
(a.s
.) wanted to blameSafwan
al-Jammal
(one of his followers) for renting his camel toHarun
Rashid, the Abbasid ruler, he started by approaching him mildly and said: “Oh!Safwan
!
Everything in you is good except one thing”,
it is renting the camel toHarun
, but we see how Imam al-Kadhim
(a.s
.) used a good method of refutation. First, he praised the good qualities ofSafwan
, so when he made mention of the negative side of him (Safwan
), he felt the sense of blame and asked,What
is it, Oh my Lord?” trying to repair it and add it to his good qualities.
A psychologist said: “We should remember that we have common qualities, with our differences, and they are that each and every one of us has good and superior qualities.”
Others havesaid:
“If you want to refute, then consider it with intimacy and felicity.” Itis said
in a prophetic narration that: “May Allah bless the one who guides me toward my shortcomings.” Guidancecan never be achieved
except by a good approach.
12- The best person to attract people's love and respect to himself is he who benefits them. Itis said
in a narration that: “The best of men is he who benefits people.” The more the benefit grows the more the love and respect of people grows.
Abdul-Aziz al-Qaratisi
reported from Imam al-Sadiq
(a.s
.) that: “One day Abu Abdullah said: OhAbdal
-Aziz! Belief (iman
) is like a ladder that has ten steps, therefore, he who is on the second step should not say to the one on the first that he is nothing until he reaches the tenth. Do not intimidate he who is under you; he who is above you will intimidate you. If you see someone who is under you, tryand
raise him up mildly. Do not make him do what is above his capability, you will break him, and he who breaks a believer, will take the responsibility.”
It is among the necessities of good companionship to find a good friend who stays with you with all sincerity and is beneficial both spiritually and materially. There is no stinginess and pride; friendship must be only for Allah's sake.
In order to attract your friend towards you, you must try and raise him to your standard, and this is what is said and emphasized by those who have experience in the field of education that: “Do not exceed the limit in praising your values, because it is possible that those who you think are inferior to you, might be superior to you, and what you are proud of may be something useless in the sight of others.”
Therefore, some psychologists havesaid:
“Encouragement makes people successful, and you can make someone like what you want him to do if you work in order to achieve what you want from him.” 13- It is our common nature that we give more care and concern to big issues only. We tend to forget about small issues or we give them less concern.
Regarding the saying of the AlmightyAllah;
“Verily we see you of the doers of good (to all).” Holy Qur'an (12: 36), ImamJa'far
al-Sadiq
(a.s
.) is reported to have said: “He used to widen the gathering, lending to the needy and helping the destitute.”
The Imam (a.s
.) is, also, reported to have said: “He is not from us who doesn't control himself at the time of sadness, nor makes good his relationship with his companion, who disagrees with he who disagrees with him, nor follows he who follows him, who isn't close to the one who becomes closer to him, and who doesn't eat with the one who eats with him.”
All theseare considered
as ways of making relationships good and making the tree of love grow and benefits from its fruits and flowers.
Itis said
in the moral laws that: “Do not neglect a little concern, because it has a great issue and benefit.”
Secondly:
How Can We Proceed Socially?
After being acquainted with some moral laws through prophetichadiths
and sayings of psychologists, then, we will come to the answer of the second question on how to proceed socially.
Morals play an important role in the art of social relations. It is good, before we go further to state that none of these moralsare
final and conclusive. Whatever the case may be, if we are talking about art, it is possible thateach and every
one of us will add something.
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Author: Al Balagh Foundation
