Alhassanain(p) Network for Heritage and Islamic Thought

The Tenth Talk

1. The Benefits Of Matrimony

In the previous talk we discussed the advantages of forming families. One very significant advantage for the partners to establish a family is the natural satisfaction of the sex instinct. The other, and very important, advantage is providing virtuous and healthy progeny to the society. The enemies of humanity always devise stratagems to ensure that virtuous members are not there in the societies. This is the reason that the institution of the ‘family’ is attacked by them. This is also the reason for making immodesty so common. It is your duty to give importance to the family so that a healthy progeny is turned over to society. This will help to control the effects of Western Culture.

2. Peace Of Mind

Today's topic of discussion is about the fact that a decent man and wife are the source of comfort and contentment for each other. This is reflected in one of the verses of the Holy Quran:

    وَ مِنْ ءَايَتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكمُ مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَجًا لِّتَسْكُنُواْ إِلَيْهَا

And of his signs is this: He created for you helpmates from yourselves that ye might find rest in them..... (Sura ar-Rum, 30: 21)

One of the signs from Allah is that he has created man for woman and the woman for man! If we analyse the human nature we find that a man without a woman remains incomplete. Similarly a spinster woman is incomplete without a man. In fact a man and a woman combine to form a complete identity i.e. each one is dependant on the other. In the view of the Holy Quran man is the support for woman, and similarly the woman is a support for man. In this world everyone needs a confidante. If we consider human nature, and the guidance given by the Holy Quran, the best source of comfort for a person in difficult times is his or her wife or husband! Wa ja-ala bainakum mawadda wa rahmat -Allah has created wife and husband as well-wishers of each other. By nature, man and wife love each other.

If we don't destroy this abode of peace, then man and wife are always a source of comfort and peace for each other. Pity on the home which offers no peace to the man or wife ! These people are like the insomniacs who don’t get sleep. Look at a person who doesn't get sleep. How restless such a person is! He cannot think properly. His body becomes sick. According to the Holy Quran sleep is the cause of comfort for the living creatures. Similarly the Holy Quran says that man and woman are the cause of comfort for each other. Therefore a man who remains single has no means of comfort. A woman who is a spinster is like a person who is suffering from insomnia. Man and wife are a source of comfort for each other. It is our duty to protect and promote the institution of marriage and formation of families!

3. Man And Wife - Ornaments For Each Other

According to the Holy Quran, man and wife are not only the source of mutual comfort, but are like ornaments for each other. The Holy Book says:

    هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَ أَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُن

They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. (Sura al Baqarah, 2: 187)

There are two or three meanings of the word 'raiment' in the verse. One meaning is that the wife is an ornament for the husband just as a good raiment is an ornamentation for him. The Holy Quran itself is witness to this fact that it says:

    يَبَنىِ ءَادَمَ خُذُواْ زِينَتَكمُ‏ْ عِندَ كلُ‏ِّ مَسْجِدٍ وَ كُلُواْ وَ اشرَْبُواْ وَ لَا تُسرِْفُواْ إِنَّهُ لَا يحُِبُّ الْمُسرِْفِين

O Children of Adam! Put on your adornment on every occasion of prayer, and eat and drink, but do not waste; indeed Allah does not like the wasteful. ( Sura al-A’raaf 7:31)

This means that when you plan to go out anywhere - to the mosque or to a meeting - dress properly and decently. Here the term 'raiment' connotes ornamentation and the meaning of the words hunna libasun lakum wa antum libasun lahun is that women are their husbands' ornamentation and they are the ornaments for their wives. The other meaning of the word 'raiment' here is that a wife is the protection for the man and prevents him from going astray. The man too performs this task for his wife. The third meaning of the word 'raiment' is that man and wife are satar or coverings for each other. A man who is single is devoid of the cover that a wife provides and similarly a spinster too is devoid of this cover or protection in the absence of a mate. In a nutshell, the verse says that the man and wife are adornments and covers for each other. We should therefore take care of our adornments and coverings.

Imam Jafar e Sadiq (a.s.) has said that the husband is like a necklace for the wife. As the necklace is an ornament for a woman, a husband too is an ornament for the wife. Then the Imam (a.s.) observed that one should take care what type of woman one chooses for a spouse. The Imam (a.s.) further added that if one has a virtuous wife, then he has a big blessing. A good wife is an invaluable possession. She is worth more than any amount of gold and silver. If the wife is not good, she is worthless, even less than a handful of sand! The same is true for a husband. If he is modest and his wife is pleased with him then it is a great blessing. Imam Sadiq (a.s.) says that if husband and wife are compatible and are ornamentation for each other, then definitely this is a great blessing.

4. Man And Wife - Source Of Comfort For Each Other

In addition to being a source of comfort and protection for each other, the home is a place of amusement for the man and wife. This is definitely so if the home is as has been defined and ordained by Islam. If the wife fits into the definition of a spouse as given by Islam and the husband fits into the standard fixed for him, then the best place for amusement is the home itself! It is possible that at this meeting there are present many husbands whose hearts are with their wives at home! They would love to reach the comfort of the home after a full day of toil and hard work! Also it is possible that in the gathering there are ladies who are eagerly looking forward to their husbands returning home after performing their duties and business. They look forward to the husband's familiar knock at the door to welcome him and dispel all his cares and tiredness with a smile of welcome! The Prophet of Islam (s) has observed thus on the subject:

There is no greater blessing for a Muslim man after Islam than a Muslim wife who causes him joy when he looks at her. (Wasail alShia, Vol 14, page 23)

The smile of a man and wife, for each other, is a source of joy and pleasure. It is mentioned in the traditions that the value of a good wife is far more than that of gold and silver. In fact if there is anything that is most valuable after the faith of Islam, it is a good spouse for a person! The most pleasurable thing for a wife is to converse happily with her husband. Men should take care to make their wives happy and the women too should strive towards the same end.

A man came to the Prophet of Allah (s) and said, "O Prophet of Allah! My wife is so thoughtful that when I reach home, she herself comes to open the door and receives me with a smile. She gives me attention and converses with me. Whenever I am unhappy and tired, she humors me to dispel my unhappiness and tiredness!" The Prophet (s) said, “This woman is a servant of Allah! She is an angel and will get the same rewards for her actions as the angels get! Her actions are most valuable!"

Men too can be like that. They should know that it is only their wives who can provide them comfort. The wife's smile and her talk provide comfort to the husband. If there is no love and care in a home, the atmosphere there becomes very unpleasant. Such atmosphere is not only harmful to the husband and wife, but it badly affects the children as well. You will notice that children from homes where the atmosphere is not good have inferior abilities and poor memories when compared with other children. Remember, the shortcomings in the children are due to the mistakes of the parents. When there is no atmosphere of love and affection at home, the man becomes a victim of psychological ailments. The home then becomes a prison for him.

It happens sometimes that a husband prefers to sitting at the wayside cafe till late in the night rather than going home. In certain homes the wife doesn't bother to find out about her husband. It is our own fault that we have destroyed these abodes of comfort and peace by using harsh words. This happens even after they have become old or are materially very well off. Beauty is not just in dressing well but actual beauty is in the way the eyes if the other person perceives you

Perhaps the fable of Laila and Majnoon is only a fiction. But there are very good lessons in such stories. It is said that the story of the love of Laila and Majnoon reached the ears of the king of that time. The king called both of them. When they reached the court, he was surprised to see that Laila was a bedouin girl, ugly and dark with thick lips! In surprise he asked Majnoon, “How could you fall in love with this ugly girl?" Majnoon recited a couplet in reply:

"If you had seen Laila with Majnoon's eyes, you would have seen nothing but beauty in her!"

People used to tell Majnoon that he was running after a dark, ugly looking girl. He would reply that darker the musk, the more fragrant it would be!

If a wife loves her husband she will not dwell on his shortcomings. If someone tells a woman that her husband has some failings, she stands up in his defence. She does this, even if the complainant is her own mother or father! If the husband loves his wife, he too will come to her defence. She may not be very good looking, but for him she is the fairest of the fair! It is not necessary that women approach sorcerers to gain the love of their husbands. This is a big sin.

One woman came to the Prophet of Islam (s) and said, "O Prophet of Allah! I have committed a sin. I tried to win the love of my husband through sorcery." The Prophet (s) was furious and said, “You have turned the sky into earth, and the earth to sky! You have rendered your world dark! Pity on you!" The woman was very penitent and busied herself in perpetual prayer. The Prophet (s) learned about this activity and said, “Allah will not pardon her! He will not pardon her!" The meaning of the Prophet's observation is that the real repentance for the woman should have been in going home to serve her husband and home i.e. not to abandon the world while being fully engrossed only in worship. According to the Holy Prophet (s) if a lady desires the attention of her husband and wants him to be happy with her, then she should look after her husband, their house and the children well. He will automatically love her even if she is not good looking. Similarly if a husband desires to have the love and affection of his wife, he should treat her with respect and it is imperative that he does not use foul language. Foul language is a major cause of termination of love and affection between people. When he enters home, he should not vent his anger on his wife. The problems outside have come on him and his wife should not have to bear the brunt of his problems Upon entering the house do not complain and wail in front of children nor fight with your wife as these are great sins that cause Fishare Qabr (the squuzing of the grave) when the person dies!

One of the close companions of the Prophet (s) died. The Prophet (s) himself attended his burial. The people said that the person was lucky that he was interred in his grave by the Holy Prophet (s). The Prophet (s) observed, "The grave has given him so much fishar that the bones of his ribs have shattered!" The companions asked, “O Prophet of Allah (s)! He was a good man! Why did he suffer this hardship?" The Prophet (s) replied, “He was a good person but he always fought with his wife and behaved badly at home!"

A Muslim should not be foul mouthed. If someone uses abusive language, he is not a Muslim. God forbid! If someone beats his wife! If he does that, he is a shameless person, he is not a Muslim. However much learned or “forward-minded” the person might be, he will taste the hardship of Fishare Qabr when he dies. Such persons are not the friends of Allah, the Prophet (s), and the Imams (a.s.). The Prophet of Islam (s) used to say that on The Day of Judgment two groups will have such long tongues that they would be touching the ground and others will trample their tongues! The companions asked, “Who these people will be?" The Prophet (s) replied, "The first group will be of the persons who backbite about others and are always finding faults in others. The other group will consist of women who misbehaved with their husbands, and the men who verbally abused their wives!"

Some persons deceptively look very respectable but, in fact, they are so immature that in the presence of their impressionable children they use abusive language. For example they address their children as: “the son of a dog!" or "son of a donkey!". Such people are in fact using foul language to address themselves; they should realize that the father of a dog is also a dog. If a person becomes foul-mouthed at home and irritable, this becomes his habit. His dog-like behavior is clear to others, but he himself is unaware of his own bad habit. If he had insight, he would have realized his dog-like behavior.

The persons who call their sons dogs in a rage of anger and use abusive language against their wives, themselves develop the traits of dogs. If someone had the vision and insight of Allama Majlisi or Sadr al Muta'aleheen, he would have seen himself as a dog! Ladies should not get angry. You may be known in the society for your looks or your youthfulness, but the angels see you as nothing more than a she-dog. Perhaps you have a very imposing personality and the society views you with respect, but because of your foul-mouth you may render yourself into a virtual dog! When the angels in the skies look at you, you appear like a dog to them. It has come in the narratives that the misbehavior at home and use of abusive language or beatings change the status of a person. When this person dies, his spirit goes to Allah and from there it proceeds to Heaven or Hell. On the way it passes through all the stages, and when the spirit of this ill-mannered person reaches the seventh sky, the inhabitants say that a dog has arrived! Are people with such bad manners desirous of going to Allah in the form of a dog!

If you heed today's talk, then your home will be a place of peace and comfort. If a husband and wife become a source of support and comfort for each other and if they become a beautification for each other, then when they die, the angels praise them. Allah will be happy with such persons and, certainly, they will be destined for the Heaven!

O Allah! For the sake of the children of Abi Abdallah al Husayn, make our homes, our spouses and our children sources of comfort. O Allah! Give good wives and husbands to our sons and daughters who bring joy in their lives!

The Eleventh Talk

1. Training Oneself

So far our discussion was on the formation of families and its advantages. In the previous discussion, the advantages were mentioned. One of these is the training of the self within the family. Home is a place for embellishing oneself with noble traits. Within the family, the husband and wife can train themselves, embellish themselves with noble traits. They can not only cultivate good habits themselves, but also motivate other members of the family to follow suit. But in the eyes of sociologists, achieving these two things - training themselves and motivating others, is rather difficult. A person needs some effort for curbing the base traits and planting the sapling of virtue in his mind. Normally people struggle to make a smooth transformation in their natures.

    فَلَا اقْتَحَمَ الْعَقَبَةَ

    وَ مَا أَدْرَئكَ مَا الْعَقَبَةُ

    فَكُّ رَقَبَة

But he hath not attempted the ascent -

Ah! what will convey unto thee what the Ascent is! -

(It is) to free a slave. (Sura al Balad, 90: 11-13)

Expelling undesirable habits from one’s nature is a difficult task. But one has to get rid of them before they assume stormy proportions. When one succeeds in this effort, the person plants the sapling of virtue in his nature. To nourish this sapling one has to make strenuous efforts. He has to persevere. It is said that the nafse ammara (base instinct) is like an elephant. The trainer of an elephant has to constantly hit on its head to train it. If there is the slightest negligence on the part of the trainer, the animal can overcome him. The base instincts and the mean traits in a person are also like the untrained elephant. Believe me, all the Prophets (s.a.) came to the world, with their books, for the sole purpose of guiding the people to curb their nafse ammara!

    هُوَ الَّذِى بَعَثَ فىِ الْأُمِّيِّنَ رَسُولًا مِّنهُْمْ يَتْلُواْ عَلَيهِْمْ ءَايَتِهِ وَ يُزَكِّيهِمْ وَ يُعَلِّمُهُمُ الْكِتَبَ وَ الحِْكْمَة

He it is who hath sent among the unlettered ones a messenger of their own, to recite unto them His revelations and to make them grow, and to teach them the Scriptures and Wisdom… (Sura al-Jumu’ah, 62: 2)

The Prophet of Islam (s) came with the Miracle of the Quran for the people to reform their psyches. The Prophets (s.a.) have gone through untold hardships performing this task. But their success was not commensurate with the toil put in by them. The reason for this was that the task was very formidable.

The matter that needs our attention, and particularly that of the ladies, is that they are like a madrasa or school at home. They are the foundation for the establishment of the home and the family and are the instructors of morality for the members of the family. In a family the wife is a mentor for the husband, the husband is a mentor for the wife and both together are mentors for the children.

2. Need of Patience

When the husband and wife are intelligent, they serve each other and spend time in grooming of the children instead of spending time on unnecessary arguments, bickering and restlessness. These undesirable traits can totally uproot a person.

The Holy Quran says:

    إِنَّ الْانسَنَ خُلِقَ هَلُوعًا

    إِذَا مَسَّهُ الشَّرُّ جَزُوعًا

    وَ إِذَا مَسَّهُ الخَْيرُْ مَنُوعًا

    إِلَّا الْمُصَلِّين

Lo! Man was created anxious,

Fretful when evil befalleth him

And, when good befalleth him, grudging;

Save worshippers (Sura Ma‘aarij, 70: 19-22)

The human nature is, no doubt, fickle. Man forgets Allah both when he is well provided for, and also when he is penniless. He is like the pebbles on the street. When someone tramples on the pebbles, they scatter here and there! The fickleness of humankind is such that when they face a small hardship, they become restless. But when they do well and progress, they become conceited. Social scientists consider human fickleness as a negative trait. Such persons get upset by minor things. There are also persons who have the trait of patience and forbearance. About them the Holy Quran says:

    إِنَّمَا يُوَفىَّ الصَّبرُِونَ أَجْرَهُم بِغَيرِْ حِسَاب

…Verily the steadfast will be paid their wages without stint. (Sura az-Zumar, 39: 10)

Definitely there is reward for every act of piety like prayer, fasting etc. But there is one trait in human beings that will be handsomely rewarded by Allah. That trait is the patience and forbearance that one exercises in dealing with one’s spouse, in training and educating the children and dealing with the people in the community. An intelligent person discreetly tolerates the occasional tantrums of his wife and thus promotes an atmosphere of peace and tranquility at home. Heaven has eight entrances and one of them is reserved for the persons who exercise patience in their lives! They remain patient in difficulties and offer prayers in that spirit. These persons will enter Heaven through that door which is at an elevated place and the Immaculate Imams (a.s.) will use the same door for entering Heaven! Our master Imam Husayn (a.s) and all the martyrs, who laid down their lives with forbearance in the way of Allah, will use this threshold to enter the Heaven! When one bears difficulties with equanimity thinking that they are the forerunners of better days, will be rewarded amply in this world and the Hereafter. A woman, who trains herself and her children with patience and equanimity and discreetly faces the occasional misbehavior of her husband, will ultimately come out victorious.

The best thing that a person can do is to banish negative traits from his nature and in its place acquire virtues. This is even better than Paradise. Cleverness is not acquiring Paradise or avoiding Hell. The Shia of Amir al Mu’minin (a.s.) will, anyway, ultimately go to Heaven, although after bearing the hardships of the grave, the Barzakh and the Day of Reckoning. There is very little likelihood of their going to the Hell. Even if a mu'min goes to the Hell, his stay there will be short and his final destination is Heaven! Cleverness is not avoiding Hell, because even the mentally handicapped will not go to Hell! Astuteness does not lie in becoming an inmate of Heaven. Even children who die go straight to Heaven without any accounting of the deeds! What is so special if you reach Heaven without accounting for your deeds? Perfection, for a person, is in achieving Allah’s pleasure through his good deeds. If a person can achieve Allah’s pleasure, he is indeed wise and perfect.

A person should do such deeds that his heart becomes the abode of his Lord. This is indeed a priceless achievement, not acquiring Heaven. Perfection is not attaining Paradise, but perfection is in making the heart the abode of the Lord, in this world! It is narrated that the heart of the mu'min is the abode of the Most Merciful. Who can make his heart the abode of the Lord? It is the person who undergoes the process of ridding himself of bad qualities and adorning himself with good qualities. The home is an excellent place for achieving this. To forgive someone or make sacrifices are virtues possessed even by animals. The home is the best place to train oneself to acquire these virtues while ridding oneself of negative traits like narrow-mindedness and miserliness.

The right way of upbringing is that where no harsh methods are used. Generally the domination of the stronger over the weak is the law of nature in animals. If the man is stronger, should he beat his wife? If you put grass in front of two animals, the stronger will push aside the weaker and eat the fodder. Similarly the stronger nations today dominate the weaker! Such domination is inhuman. Similarly if a man beats his wife at home to get his way, he is not a Muslim, rather, he is not a human being! Even if a wife is absolutely wrong in her attitude, the husband should not beat her. If, may Allah forbid, a person slaps his wife and her face turns red, he shall have to pay diyat equivalent to one mithqal of gold. If the man is more aggressive in anger and the wife develops black marks on her body, then the diyat is three mithqals of gold. A husband who abuses his wife will be in a burning tent on the Day of Reckoning.

Who is the person who develops in himself the trait of forgiveness and clemency? Who is the person who banishes narrow-mindedness from his nature? Which wife keeps her cool inspite of the misbehavior of the husband? Which wife keeps the confidence of her husband and doesn’t complain about him to outsiders, not even to her own parents? Is there any wife who bears the harsh treatment of her husband with a smile and prays to Allah to forgive him and guide both of them and to give them both a place in Heaven? Such ladies attain the place of honor in the eyes of Allah! These ladies will rise with Hadhrat Fatima Zahra (a.s.) on the Day of Reckoning.

Hadhrat Fatima Zahra (a.s.) was a paragon of virtue, patience and forbearance. It is narrated that she had cooked five breads, while fasting, during Ramadan. Just prior to the time for breaking of the fast, a mendicant came asking for food. Hadhrat Fatima (a.s.) gave all the bread to him. The entire family broke their fast with water only. The same thing happened on the second and the third day. Then a verse of the Holy Quran was revealed in the praise of her family.

Don’t be under the impression that Hadhrat Fatima Zahra (a.s.) and her family had no Need of that food. They were as hungry as any other person who had fasted the entire day. In addition, it was not that they went without food for only one day. They bore this hardship for three consecutive days!

    وَ يُطْعِمُونَ الطَّعَامَ عَلىَ‏ حُبِّهِ مِسْكِينًا وَ يَتِيمًا وَ أَسِيرًا

And, (while needing it for themselves) they give away food, out of love for Him, to the poor and the orphan and the captive..( Sura Insan, 76: 8)

The lady who bears hardships with calmness and the man who faces difficulties with courage will rise on the Day of Resurrection with Amir al Mu’minin (a.s.).

     ْ وَ يُؤْثِرُونَ عَلىَ أَنفُسِهِمْ وَ لَوْ كاَنَ بهِِمْ خَصَاصَة

…. And prefer (the needy) over their own selves, though their own lot be poverty;… (Sura Hashr, 59: 9)

The beauty of the revelation of this verse is that it was revealed for Amir al Mu’minin (a.s.) and Hadhrat Fatima Zahra (a.s.) when she was ill and he was bringing a pomegranate for her. The Imam (a.s.) came across a blind beggar on the way who was ill too. When Imam Ali (a.s.) inquired about his health, he said, “O master! It would be fine if I got a pomegranate to eat!” Imam Ali (a.s.) gave him the fruit, that he was taking home for his ailing wife, to the blind person! Any person who wishes to be with Imam Ali (a.s.) on the Day of Judgment has to try to emulate his quality of sacrifice, patience and forbearance. If you wish to seek the Intercession of the Ahl al Bayt, then the men should follow in their lives the example of Ali (a.s.) and the women that of Fatima Zahra (a.s.).

Life is very difficult for those who are not so well-off. Do you realize the status achieved by the impoverished man who bears his lot patiently? Or the wife whose husband cannot meet many of the family's needs, but she is not disrespectful towards him, instead she is patient and appreciates him? It is mentioned in the traditions that when such people will come on the Day of Judgment, Allah (s.w.t) will express His regret. That is, the man who desires a comfortable life for his wife and children but cannot fulfill his desire and the wife who desires a comfortable life for her children but her husband is unable to meet their expenses but despite this she does not ridicule him, rather bears it patiently. When such people will come on the Day of Judgment, Allah (s.w.t) will express His regret. Can there be a more elevated status than this? When Allah will express His regrets to those people who had to bear difficulties in the world, they will become so happy, that they will wish that they had been shredded with scissors while they were in the world, so that they could have achieved a more elevated status today. Therefore it is better to learn to be patient in this world.

3. Home, A School

The home is a school where one learns to curb the negative human instincts. The person can nurture the sapling of nobility in this institution. A wife, who has a disrespectful and rude husband, should bear with him with patience so that gradually, being patient becomes a habit with her. If she can cultivate this trait of patience within herself, it is better than this entire world as well as the Hereafter. Those men who have disrespectful wives too should deal with them patiently. Those who can uproot negative traits and in its place cultivate patience have achieved something better than the world and all that it contains as well as Paradise and all that it contains. Allah (s.w.t) bestows His blessings on such people.

4. More Than The Late Night Prayer

Another advantage of the formation of a family is that the home and the family are more felicitous than construction of a mosque. A woman’s reward for serving her husband and a man’s reward for providing for his wife and children, and for raising the children, is more than every supererogatory prayer. It is even more felicitous than Salathul Layl. Salatul Layl is highly meritorious and according to the Holy Quran brings the person to the elevated place, the Maqame Mahmood!

    وَ مِنَ الَّيْلِ فَتَهَجَّدْ بِهِ نَافِلَةً لَّكَ عَسىَ أَن يَبْعَثَكَ رَبُّكَ مَقَامًا محَّْمُودًا

And (in a part) of the night, forsake sleep for prayer, in addition to (what is incumbent on) thee; Maybe that exalteth thee thy Lord unto a position praised. (Sura al-’Isra’, 17: 79)

No one can understand the Maqame Mahmood until a person reaches it himself. But there is more reward than Salatul Layl for the mother who gets up in the middle of the night to feed her child, and lovingly put him back to sleep. Similarly a wife giving comfort and satisfaction to her husband is more felicitous. It has come in the traditions that when the husband and wife take the Bath of Purification (Ghusl al-Janaba), their major sins too are washed away!

Similarly it is mentioned in the traditions that when a husband and wife take the Bath of Purification, the drops of water that flow down from their bodies turn into angels who will remain alive till Doomsday! When a wife becomes pregnant, each breath that she takes is deemed a prayer. The difficulties that the mother faces in child bearing too are considered as prayer. When the child is born, it is innocent and at that time the mother too is deemed free of any sin! Allah addresses the new mother thus, “O lady! Start your life afresh from today! Be careful that you don’t commit any further sins!"

The Prophet of Islam (s) one day entered the home of Lady Fatima Zahra (a.s.). He found Amir al Mu’minin (a.s.) busy cleaning vegetables. The Prophet (s) said, “O Ali! Do you know how much reward is there from Allah for helping ones spouse with her chores?" Then he said that the reward is equivalent to that of a person who has been martyred in the way of Allah!

A woman once told the Prophet (s), “O Prophet of Allah! I have a question and it is not only for the women of Medina but for the womenfolk of all time! The question is that "Why is there a difference between the status of men and women? Why are men given a higher status than women?" The Prophet of Islam replied, “Islam doesn’t believe in giving any special status to men in comparison with women.” The woman said, “The women, because they have to take care of their children and the home they cannot attend the Friday congregation, they cannot go to meetings, call on the sick to express their sympathies, cannot go for optional Hajj and are sometimes even unable to perform the more important Hajj Pilgrimage. It seems that our only function is to look after the home and rear the children!"

The Prophet (s) was very happy to hear this. He smiled and said:

“This is the reply for the women of Medina and all the women who will be in the world till the Day of Reckoning: ‘If a woman marries and keeps her husband happy, then this act is equal to the Friday congregation, the optional Hajj and other type of worship.’”

This reply of the Holy Prophet is for all wives, irrespective of whether the lady is the wife of a toiling laborer, a philosopher, a villager or a city dweller. But today’s women seem to have forgotten this commandment of the Prophet (s).

It has been mentioned in the traditions that when a housewife prepares food for the breaking of the fast (iftar) and serves it to the children and other members of the house, her reward will be equal to the reward of a martyr. Ladies think that there is reward for them only if they go to Mecca. One lady asked me “O Aga! Please pray for me! I wish to perform the optional Hajj in Mecca!” I told her, “If you want to acquire the reward for the optional Hajj you should first spend money on the beggars, old, infirm and sick persons. Imam Musa bin Jafar (a.s.) has said that if someone gives food to a deserving family for one week, the reward for this act will be more than that of performing 70 Hajj pilgrimages! Hearing this the lady told me with a crestfallen face. “You may do what you are advising me! As for me, I want to visit Mecca!”

The ladies seem to have forgotten that there is reward for them in running the household. They have forgotten that there is a reward in the upbringing of children. A husband working hard on his job to provide a better living to his wife and children is like a soldier struggling in the battle field of Jihad. Both are equally rewarding! If the man works for the welfare of his family, smiles for his wife, thanks her, then this gets converted into Hoorul Ein for him. Do not compare Hoorul Ein with the women of this world. If a single Hoorul Ein comes to this world, the people of this world will not need the moon. The man who smiles at his wife when he enters his home and the woman who smiles at her husband when he enters the house, have prepared Hoorul Eins for themselves. One who is desirous of acquiring the Hoorul Ein, gardens and palaces, should make efforts to do so in this life itself!

The Prophet of Islam (s) saw the angels working in the Heavens on the night of his ascension (Meraj). They were working for sometime, then they stopped working for some time. Jibrael (a.s.) told the Prophet (s), “The angels here stop working for sometime because the material with which they build comes from the world. When the material comes, the angels work. When it stops coming, the angels too stop the work.”

The Fourth Talk

1. Obstruction To Matrimony

Today’s discussion will focus on the impediments that the present society wrongly imposes to obstruct matrimony. I shall dwell on these very briefly. Removing these impediments by delivering one or several talks on the matter might not be possible. But I am certain my talk will start the audience thinking!

2. Making Lame Excuses

The first impediment in the way of matrimony of young people is the making of lame excuses, sometimes by the prospective bride and sometimes by the prospective groom. Sometimes even the parents come up with illogical excuses for not getting their young children married. These excuses have, in several cases, resulted in girls of the age of thirty remaining at home, unmarried. There are also persistent bachelors of forty plus years of age! When they are asked the reason for not marrying, they say that they couldn’t find a suitable match! Here I would like to say something. I shall also dwell on this matter in my subsequent talks .It is not possible for a girl or a boy to find a match which is 100 percent to her/his liking. In normal circumstances if someone fits the bill about fifty percent, it should be fine. If the requirements are met up to about seventy percent, the match can be considered excellent.

Many illogical excuses are made even by families who claim to be religious. The worldly types have different reasons and excuses. For example, the boy expects a house along with the bride, or considers beauty to be a must in his future wife, or wants to marry into a family with a very high status. He is unable to get the bride of his choice because he himself comes from a family with a lower status. So he keeps waiting to find such a match. Similarly, girls remain unmarried because their mothers say that the prospective groom doesn’t own a house, is short in height or doesn’t have the desired good looks! These are mere excuses. These are things which the intellect cannot accept as valid excuses. In this gathering itself, perhaps, there are several girls who might have received twenty or more proposals that must have been refused on such flimsy grounds. There must also be such boys in this gathering who are trying to get married for the last two to three years but have been unable to get a suitable bride, even while there must be many girls amongst their relatives or neighbors. But they must have found some flaw in each one of them, and are still searching. In the end these excuses will lead them to a very bad wife.

The Prophet of Islam (s.a.) used to say, “O people! When your daughter reaches the age of consent, get her married. A mature girl is like a ripe fruit on a tree. If it is not picked on maturity, it will fall and go waste. Similarly when a girl matures, if she does not get married, she will waste. Same is true for the sons. If a boy reaches the marriageable age and does not marry, he too will be wasted. There used to be several people making such excuses even in the gatherings addressed by the Prophet (s). Some of them asked, “O Prophet of Allah! What sort of match we should find for our daughters?” The Prophet (s) replied, “The Mu’minin are matches for each other.” (that is, some have the same status as some others) Wasail al Shia, Vol 14, Page 39

A mu’min is one who has a good character, follows the faith implicitly, and he is the kufu or match for another mu’min. If such a person asks for the hand of your daughter in marriage, agree to the proposal.

The people asked, “O Prophet (s)! Who is a match?”

The Prophet (s) repeatedly said:

“If you find a boy whose akhlaq (ethics) are good and follows the Faith properly, give your daughter in marriage to him. If matches are made without considering the aspects of akhlaq and faith, it will cause mischief and disturbance in the Islamic Society.

Wasail al Shia, Vol 14, Page 51

What more mischief and disturbance could there be in the Islamic society than is prevailing now? The Prophet of Islam (s) said from the pulpit that one should look for a boy with good moral character and faith as a match for their daughters. When a mother looks for a match for her daughter she should check whether the boy is proud, or jealous. She should check whether the akhlaq of the boy is sound. It has been quoted in the traditions that if someone looks only for the apparent good looks and the wealth in fixing matches for their children, the consequences of such marriages are tragic. If wealth is the only criterion for a match, you will end up with regret, because such a match will be proud of his wealth or good looks or ancestry, and it is this pride which becomes a cause for differences and wretchedness later on. Imam Jafar al-Sadiq (a.s.) said, “Give your daughter to a person who practices the faith properly. If he likes and loves her, he will respect her. Even if he doesn’t like her, his faith will not permit him to be cruel to her.” How felicitous is this tradition of Imam Jafar al-Sadiq (a.s.)! I suppose there is not even one person in this gathering who has not made such excuses, even though the Prophet (s) himself has not attached any importance to them, rather has negated them.

During the times of the Prophet (s), some unusual matches have taken place so that these flimsy excuses are eliminated. Examples are the marriages of Juwaybir, Zubair and Miqdad. The Prophet (s) got a beautiful girl with good akhlaq married using faith as the only criterion to establish the fact that the basis of marriage should be religion and akhlaq, not good looks or ancestry. I do not say that you should totally disregard other factors. I say that the criterion for marriage should be faith and akhlaq. If you like a girl seventy percent, you should not make further excuses in finalizing the match. You should not take recourse to istakhara, which is only meant for special situations when human wisdom and discretion fail, and it is not possible to obtain the opinion and advice of other Mu’minin. In situations where confusion prevails, istekhara can be resorted to.

But in situations where everything is crystal clear, when the intellect can guide you, when a proposal has come from a boy who fits well into the norms of piety and morals, doing an istakhara is meaningless. Istakhara in Islam, in fact, means that a person offers two rakaats of prayer and thereafter says the following words a hundred times, “Astakhirullaha be rehmateh” (O Allah! Make what I am going to do felicitous for me!). Thereafter he should busy himself with what he had planned to do. The work will, God willing, be good for him. This is the istakhara that the author of Kitabe Jawahir has recommended in his book. It means to ask the best from Allah in your works. Sometimes when an istakhara comes negative, people do it again and again till they get a positive response. This is absolutely wrong.

In conclusion we would like to say that the excuses made by parents or the boys and girls for avoiding and postponing matrimony must be avoided. Instead, we should place trust in Allah. Allah will set the future right. According to the Holy Quran one should neither grieve over the past, nor be fearful about the future.

    أَلَا إِنَّ أَوْلِيَاءَ اللَّهِ لَا خَوْفٌ عَلَيْهِمْ وَ لَا هُمْ يحَْزَنُون

Lo! Verily the friends of Allah are (those) on whom fear (cometh) not, nor do they grieve. ( Sura Yunus, 10: 62).

The friends of Allah neither grieve over the past nor are they fearful about the future because they place their trust in Allah. We too should, in matters of matrimony, stop making excuses and make positive decisions putting absolute trust in Allah. These excuses have all been rejected and refuted by the Prophet (s), the Imams (a.s.) and the religious scholars.

We quote here an incident about Kashif al Ghita, who was a Marjae Taqleed. There are very few examples like him in wisdom, erudition and chivalry. One day, after the lesson he said to his students, “I have a daughter who has reached the age of consent. If I find a morally upright and religious young person, I shall give her in marriage to him.” Hearing this, one of the students got up and sat down. According to the custom of that time, this meant that he was offering himself as a match for the daughter of the eminent cleric. Kashif al Ghita asked the boy to follow him home and adjourned the class. The student went behind him. The cleric knew that the boy was morally upright and a good student in the group. He knew that the boy was a good practitioner of the moral values of Islam. But neither did he have any wealth nor property. Kashif al Ghita told his daughter that there was a proposal for her from a boy who was morally and religiously upright but had no worldly wealth. Would she be interested in marrying the boy? She told her father that all the authority vested in him. The contract of marriage was immediately drawn; the young couple was tied in wedlock. Kashaf al Ghita vacated one room at his house and settled the couple there. When he got up for the night prayer, he knocked at the door of the young couple and said, “I have placed a container of water at the door of such and such room. Go and offer prayers.” The couple performed ghusl and recited Salahul Layl. The story we have related about Kashif al Ghita, it doesn’t conclude here because:

    وَ الَّذِينَ جَهَدُواْ فِينَا لَنهَْدِيَنهَُّمْ سُبُلَنَا وَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَمَعَ الْمُحْسِنِين

As for those who strive for Us, we surely guide them to Our paths, and lo! Allah is with the good.

(Sura Ankabut, 29 :69).

Those who strive in Allah’s cause have been promised help by Him. Khashif al Ghita’s son-in law, Shaykh Muhammad Taqi, reached such a high state of learning that he could write a commentary on ‘Ma-alim’. Even now, after three to four hundred years his commentary is recognized as very authoritative. All the sons of Kashif al Ghita became mujtahids. His family was so morally upright and religious that all the scholars of Isfahan were humble before them. The marriage which takes place according to the wishes of Allah and the Prophet (s) will be very felicitous. Quran wants us to marry on the basis of Islamic principles. This is the way of the Prophet (s), the Infallible Imams (a.s.) and the way of the mujtahids.

Allama Majlisi was an erudite scholar but was also very wealthy. To gauge his learning, a glance at his book Bihar al Anwaar should be sufficient. We can say with confidence that so far, after him, a scholar of his erudition has not been born. Allama Majlisi had a daughter who was not only a scholar and a mujtahida, but also very beautiful too. As far as lineage was concerned, she belonged to one of the highly respected families of the time. Allama Majlisi arranged her marriage to his student, Sayyid Saleh Mazandarani, who had no name, fame and property worth a mention. But he was religious, morally upright and a good student of religion. Allama Majlisi married his daughter to him because of his good akhlaq. It is said that once Mazandarani was unable to solve a question of jurisprudence. When he came home and referred it to her, she was able to give a learned reply to the question! Although the daughter was not an ordinary person, the Allama selected this youth as a match for her because he found him morally upright and religious. He was a father who made no recourse to excuses. He used to say that the Prophet of Islam (s) has said:

“When a person approaches you for the hand of your daughter, and you are sure about his good character and practice of the faith, then give your daughter in marriage to him. If you don’t do this, then there will be much mischief on the face of the earth!”

3. Unnecessary Show

The second impediment is more important and more difficult to avoid these days. In the earlier days the bride used to bring a Quran with her. Gradually a candle holder was added to the list, and all of you know what the list includes today. The things have reached such a pass that even if the groom sells himself, he cannot buy the quantity of gold that he has to give to the bride at the time of the marriage. This prompts young boys to refuse matrimony. If the bride carries a Quran and an ordinary mirror with her, can it not suffice? What difference does it make if the groom brings an ordinary ring for the bride? What calamity will befall if the bride presents the groom an Aqeeq ring? Instead of this a chain of gold is put in the neck of the groom as if the hanging noose has been put on his neck! The first problem is that he cannot offer prayers with gold around his neck! The second problem and wretchedness is that if at the time of solemnization of Seegha e Nikaah the groom wears a golden ring on his finger and a golden chain on his neck, sins will be recorded on his book of deeds because ornamentation of men with gold is forbidden (Haram). Gold rings, watches, chains, spectacle frames and all things which are ornamentation for men fall under the forbidden category. Now, what difference does it make if the groom wears a silver chain or a silver ring studded with an aqeeq or even if he wears nothing at all on his finger? Even if people pass comments, neither will the sky fall on the earth, nor will the earth rise upto the sky. On the contrary, it is our bad deeds that spoil the skies and destroy the earth.

Is there anyone bold enough to break these unpleasant practices? But these practices cannot be done away by the efforts of a few people. All of us have to work towards it. We know that the city of Qum has certain distinguishing qualities. Cannot the people of Qum take the lead in putting an end to these practices? They should stop the practice of bringing expensive mirrors and candelabra as part of the bride’s trousseau and conduct simple marriages. Slowly all other places will follow suit, and a day will come when the Islamic government will declare that we are the ones who have rid ourselves of this menace.

One person came to the presence of Imam Jafar al-Sadiq (a.s.). The Imam (a.s.) asked him if he was married? The man replied in the negative. The Imam (a.s.) then said that if the entire world and all that it contained was given to him for remaining without his spouse for a night, he would not accept it. Then he said that a two-unit salah of a married man or woman is more felicitous than the entire night worship of a single person. Wasail al Shia, Vol 14, Page 2

Imam Muhammad Baqir (a.s.) gave seven dinars to a person and asked him to go and get married. Those days the amount was sufficient for a modest wedding. Nowadays, one may have to sell his house to be in a position to arrange his wedding! This extravagance is not liked by Allah.

Once the Prophet of Islam (s) was seated with his companions when a woman came to his presence and said, “O Prophet of Allah! I am not married. Kindly arrange my marriage.” The Prophet (s) turned towards his companions and said, “Is any one of you willing to marry this woman?” One of the companions stood up and gave his consent. The Prophet asked him what he could offer for the dowry. The man said that he had nothing except the shirt that he was wearing. The Prophet (s) asked him if he remembered anything from the Holy Quran. The man said he remembered only one chapter, Waqiya, from the Holy Book. The Prophet (s) then asked the woman if she was willing to accept the chapter as the dowry for her marriage to the man. When the woman agreed, the marriage was solemnized. The Prophet (s) used to give lessons to the people that they should not make excuses for delaying marriages. Today people from all fields including clerics, traders, the learned, the illiterate, the rural and the urban populations are involved in this undesirable practice. Why? The affluent sections are more involved in this than the poorer sections. Just think why people make excuses for delaying marriages. Why are they taking shelter behind istakhara to invent excuses for delaying and postponing marriages? The things have reached such a pass that even while the Seegha e Nikah is being recited, the groom is thinking of how and when he will clear the loan he has incurred for buying the gold for the marriage. Does this not happen? Can the marriages not be solemnized without giving gold?! People should have trust in Allah that He will give more in the future! It is not at all possible that a good act performed in the way of Allah remains without reward! When you do something for a common person, he thanks you. If you do something for Allah, do you think Allah will not bless you?

O mothers! Gold can be gifted even after the marriage. Your main concern should be to find a good groom for your daughter who will love her. Imam Jafar al-Sadiq (a.s.) says that even if the husband doesn’t love his wife, his faith should be such that it does not allow him to be cruel to her and does not permit him to make her unhappy. However we find that even if the husband can cover his wife with gold ornaments from head to toe, he doesn’t do it, because before marriage his feelings were abused, by your placing obstructions in the path of marriage. O mothers, by making these excuses you are abusing his feelings and love.

In the days gone by, a custom was that the groom was given some clothes after the proposal was accepted. Then a box of sweets was added to the list. Now it is said it doesn’t look nice that only the groom is given gifts and the mother-in-law is given nothing, so something should be given to her too. Those who have the means can give and will definitely give. But what of those who do not have the means? They are forced into debts. A person who earns on a daily basis, a person who is not in a position to buy a kilo of apples for his children or a kilo of fruit for them for iftar is expected to also gift something to his mother-in-law, in order to please her. And if she is not a good woman no amount of gifts will please her. If she is a good person, she will always be happy whether you gift her something or nothing because these things cannot buy love. If someone thinks to the contrary, he is mistaken. In the Mathnavi, Maulavi says that a person went to attend the nature’s call and recited the prayer that is prescribed for wudhu (ablution) prior to prayers. When the same person went for doing the wudhu he recited the prayer meant for reciting at the time of attending the nature’s call! Maulavi told to the person that he remembered the prayers very well but forgotten what they were meant for! For marriages too, people think that the love of the son-in-law is proportional to the gold given, or that love is in covering the bride in gold. This is a wrong concept. This can only bring worries, debt and problems for both the newly-weds! Love is that which is endowed by Allah. In the Holy Quran He says:

    إِنَّ الَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَ عَمِلُواْ الصَّلِحَتِ سَيَجْعَلُ لهَُمُ الرَّحْمَنُ وُدًّا

Lo! Those who believe and do good works, the Beneficent will appoint for them love. (Sura Maryam, 19: 96).

The Holy Quran says that if you want your son-in-law to love your daughter, you must establish a strong connection with Allah. You should be concerned with what Allah wants from you. Can anyone of you say with confidence that Imam Zaman (a.s.) is pleased with these marriages. Can we claim that Islam is pleased with our marriages, our excuses, our extravagance? Imam Wali al-‘Asr (a) is not pleased, The Prophet (s) and Sayyida Fatima (a.s) are not happy. We should break free from and do away with these undesirable obstructions to marriage.

4. Excessive Mahr

Another big problem is the fixing of mahr (dowry). There was a time when the non-revolutionary and non-religious types used to quote one million, two million, and three million. Now, after the revolution, people say that mahr should be equal to the number of the Prophets (s) - one lakh, twenty four thousand (124,000) units of modern money - at the mention of which people have to take to their heels. In Qum, another thing is added to this is the sheer baha. Do you know what sheer baha is? It is an evil practice. It means to take money from the son-in-law for nursing your own daughter (breastfeeding her). The best thing is that after extracting this amount from the groom, it is not even given to the mother; it goes into the pocket of the father. What is sheer baha? Are you selling your daughter by charging sheer baha? Sheer baha means that you are selling your daughter. The Jurists say that a person who cannot pay one lakh or 85,000 tumans cannot agree to pay the same.

Traditions say that a sign of an inauspicious bride is her high mahr. If there is no love, what will the mahr achieve? People keep a high mahr to bind the son-in-law to the daughter - when he is unable to pay the mahr, he will not be able to leave her. But what if the boy does not love the girl? The boy gives enough money in the house, he does not beat her so you cannot accuse him of being cruel, he does not use bad language so you cannot accuse him of having bad akhlaq. He just refuses to speak to her. She may bear this for a day or two. In the end, this house will become worse than a prison for her. After about a year in this situation the girl starts feeling that not only has she lost her mahr but might even lose her life! So she forgives him the mahr. In short, the mahr cannot bind a husband against his will. Some people have come up with a revolutionary idea that the girls can be married away without fixing any mahr. I don’t agree with them because a marriage cannot be solemnized without fixing a mahr. It is also not correct when some people fix a copy of the Holy Quran or five coins as mahr. I believe that the mahr should be neither excessive nor small. The middle way should be adopted, and even then the mahr should be fixed keeping in mind the status of the boy and the girl.

5. LavishWalima Or Reception

The fourth impediment and problem in marriages is lavish walima. Walima is considered a felicitous custom in Islam, but which walima? The walima that the Prophet of Islam (s) held at the wedding of Hadhrat Fatima Zahra (a.s.). A goat was slaughtered and the poor of Medina were invited. After the poor of Medina, who could not afford meat, had eaten the Prophet (s) ordered the leftover food to be distributed amongst those poor who did not attend the feast or those who had not eaten the food. After this walima, the Prophet (s) led his daughter to the groom’s house. But today’s walima is nothing short of a headache. We find the father of a girl unwilling to get her married. On investigation we find that in reality he cannot afford the walima, so he makes all kinds of excuses, even while the daughter is more than twenty or twenty-five years old. My dear brothers this type of walima is totally wrong. Don’t be under the impression that it will bring divine rewards. This type of walima attracts divine punishment instead of divine rewards. Walima is given to make the marriage felicitous, but the type of walima we give neither makes the marriage nor the bride felicitous.

A Wrong Practice

When a person dies, we find that his son and heir is not occupied with acts that bring Divine Reward for his father, but he is occupied with footing the bill for the majlis (condolence ceremony) of the father. He is worried about the food to be served after the majlis. People keep coming to give condolences and this goes on for a few days. The son is forced to sell his house to conduct a majlis for his father, and feed the people after the majlis.

According to Islam when someone dies, other people should not allow food to be cooked in this house for three days. Instead they should take food for the bereaved family, and not go there to eat. To go and eat in a house where a death has taken place is makrooh (abominable). Some days back a youth had come to meet me. He said that his father had died, and with great difficulty he had managed to take a loan of 70,000 tumans. The first calamity is that his father had died, and then he had to feed people for a week, make arrangements for tea etc. He thought that he had done something good for his father whereas his father is complaining in his grave because his son took a loan and is cursing all those who eat at his house the whole day, because of which his wife, his daughter and his son are suffering. If you want to hold a majlis or a walima the best way is to be concerned about the poor, do not forget them.

It is related that a lady used to cook sweets one day of the week and ask her son to distribute it amongst the people at the cemetery. One day the son was very hungry, so instead of distributing it at the cemetery, he ate it himself and returned home. At night the lady saw her dead husband in a dream. He informed her that the sweets she had distributed the entire year had not reached him, but he had received the sweets she had distributed the day before. On investigation the lady found out that it was the sweets her orphan son had eaten.

We should be concerned about the children of the dead person. We should be concerned about the poor, not about those who can afford to eat. It is not right to stay for weeks at their houses, and become a headache for them, while they have to worry about getting meat, oil, chairs etc. Is this not troublesome for them? Islam forbids such things because when we keep going and eating at their houses they have to keep taking loans. Loans are, by themselves, enough to kill a person. The type of walima we have for our marriages and kind of majlis we hold for the dead are wrong. We should put an end to these practices, because Allah is not pleased with us. Our Prophet and the Imams are not pleased with us. Our Imam is not pleased with us.

The Fifth Talk

1. The Dowry (From The Bride)

One of the worst practices of our times is the custom of huge dowries. By this I mean the dowry which is against the shariah, the dowry which amounts to extravagance, the dowry which poses a hindrance to marriage. The result is that the girl has reached thirty years of age, but her father is unable to get her married because he cannot give her the dowry her friends or neighbors were given. The girl is twenty years old, and is getting many proposals, but the father is making excuses. He thinks that if he accepts a proposal, from where he will get the dowry. He is in such a position that he cannot even give a minimum dowry. Dowry should be given, but how much and what should be included in the dowry. The dowry should be given by the father if he can, if he cannot the Islamic government should give the dowry, failing which it is the duty of the people to provide the dowry. Only the essentials of life should be included in the dowry, which was the dowry the Prophet (s) had given to Sayyida Fatima Zahra (a.s.).

When the marriage of Sayyida Fatima Zahra (a.s.) was fixed, the Prophet (s) sent out two men and a lady to the bazaar to acquire the necessities for the dowry. They purchased 17 things costing a total of 63 Dirham. Included in these 17 things there was a chador. We should note that there was only one chador and not many! The chador was neither too expensive nor such that it wouldn’t properly cover a lady’s body. There was also a burqa (clothing worn by ladies over their dress when they go out of doors) and there was a dress. Hadhrat Fatima (a.s) gave away this dress to a needy person and went to Imam Ali (a.s.)’s house in the dress that she was using at home! In the morning the Prophet (s) visited her. He asked, “What have you done to your new dress?’ She replied, “I have given it away for the sake of Allah!” The Prophet (s) asked her, “Why didn’t you give away the old dress in charity instead of the new one?” She replied, “Allah says that when you want to give something in charity for my sake, give that which you like, so I gave away my new dress for the sake of Allah.” As a part of the dowry there was a tanned skin of a goat to be used as a spread for sitting on the floor and a comforter filled with the peelings of dates. There were also some earthen pots and an earthen jug for water. When the Prophet (s) saw the dowry, there were tears in his eyes.

The ladies are requested to view this dowry with the eyes of their hearts. Then the Prophet (s) prayed to Allah, “O Allah, make this dowry, which comprises mostly of earthen products, felicitous.” Dowries should be according to necessity. How can we rid the society of this evil that we practice today? If the brides’ suitcase is not overflowing that night is like the first night in the grave for her mother. On the other hand when the mother-in-law sees that the brides’ suitcase is not full, she creates a hue and cry. Sometimes matters reach such a stage that the dowry is sent back. This is the reason that the daughter is thirty years old, but is unable to go to her husbands’ house. I appeal to the well-off people that when they give dowry they should not create difficulties for the society. There was a time when the television, washing machine, fridge, and freezer were not a part of the dowry. Then someone added one item to the list, and another added another item. Now things are such that it is even difficult to think about marriage. If you want to give, by all means do so, but only after the girl has already gone to her husband’s house and do it quietly, so that nobody comes to know. For Gods’ sake do not give rise to these troubles in the society. Don’t do things which result in daughters of poor families remaining unmarried. Let her also see her husband’s house. When you give such dowries you think it to be good, but neither is it good nor felicitous. Especially if the bride is stingy, she will allow no one to use her dowry, with the result that still only the old things are used in the husband’s house. She creates an uproar if someone even tries to touch her things, she wants her dowry to be preserved for the next hundred years, so that they are included among antiques.

Another major problem is a house. These days from the cities to the villages, we find that the father, son, brother, sister are not willing to stay together. The daughter-in-law doesn’t want to live under the same roof with the mother-in-law and the mother-in-law does not want to live with the daughter-in-law! The house must be separate, even if it is a rented premise! This is a major deterrent for young men who then avoid getting married. In most cases their earnings are not sufficient to set up a separate household. When proposals are received from eligible boys, the first question that comes up is whether they own a house for independent living.

The question whether the boy is pious or not is never raised. If the boy is not pious and has poor akhlaq, then tomorrow this very house will become a prison for the bride. The issue of a house is a major one. In older days this was never an issue. Four daughters-in-law used to live together in one house - and happily. Nowadays a separate house is required, because people want easy comfort. This is one of the problems of modern age.

One of the leading clerics of Isfahan told me that once a youth came to him and said that his parents were not getting him married. He requested the cleric to persuade his parents to consent to his marriage. One early morning the cleric went to the home of the youth and gave a long sermon to the parents about the importance of matrimony. In conclusion he very strongly recommended that they give their consent to their son marrying and settling down to a happy conjugal life. After hearing the talk the mother of the youth said, “As long as I am alive, no daughter-in-law will cross the threshold of this house!” In utter dejection the cleric turned towards the youth and said, “The only solution for you now is to pray for the death of this old lady!” The things have reached such a pass that the mothers don’t want to welcome daughters- in- law in their homes and the girls are not willing to marry into homes they will have to share with the mothers-in-law!

Our society is riddled with so many problems. There is one problem followed by another, and then another. This chain seems never-ending. Can something not be done about these issues? Can these problems not be solved?

After overcoming all these hurdles, if a marriage takes place, then fights erupt between the husband and wife - a major cause of which is a desire for a luxurious life. When we analyze the causes of differences between man and wife, we find that the wife expresses her unwillingness to continue using the dresses available in her wardrobe. She wants to change her dress every few hours. She refuses to wear the same dress for two different occasions. If she has to attend more than one function on the same day, she wants to change the dress before going to the second party. If there are several functions on the same day, she wants as many changes of dress as there are parties. Thus starts a fight between the man and the wife. The husband says, “It would have been better if your father had given many expensive dresses with the dowry!” The wife rebuffs, “My father has given me in marriage to you. Now it is your duty to make dresses for me. Not even a month has passed since their marriage and the bride is demanding clothes and gold from her husband. Within this first month of marriage, the girl demands her savings bond (Wathiqa). She says that she will sell the bond to buy new clothes and gold. She says that she is the owner of the bond, and thus has the right to use it as she pleases - and if she wants to sell them in order to buy articles of beautification, why should her husband object? If the matter ends with the redemption of the bond, even then it is alright. But the demands don’t stop here. They just keep increasing. Our day-to-day life is such that when a person marries, he feels as if burdened with a calamity. He regrets getting married. What I have presented in front of you today is just a glimpse of the difficulties we have created in the society today, which are like a cancer for the society.

The remedy of these evils is simple. There are a couple of verses of the Holy Quran. If our society follows these, the malady will disappear.

    وَ عِبَادُ الرَّحْمَنِ الَّذِينَ يَمْشُونَ عَلىَ الْأَرْضِ هَوْنًا وَ إِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ الْجَهِلُونَ قَالُواْ سَلَمًا

The (faithful) slaves of the Beneficent are they who walk upon the earth modestly, and when the foolish ones address them answer: Peace! (Sura Al Furqaan, 25: 63)

And

    وَ الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَنفَقُواْ لَمْ يُسْرِفُواْ وَ لَمْ يَقْترُُواْ وَ كَانَ بَينْ‏َ ذَلِكَ قَوَامًا

And those who, when they spend, are neither prodigal nor grudging: and there is ever a firm station between the two(Sura Al Furqaan, 25: 67)

The selected men of God are those who tread the land with humility! When the ignorant talk in ignorance, they wish them peace. When they spend, it is neither with extravagance nor with stinginess. Their expenses are always moderate. They are the Mu’minin who are neither extravagant nor are they misers!

‘Wa kaana baina zaalika qawwama’ - If man refrains from extravagance, if he guards himself against luxuries, then he will be safe from many a calamity. In such circumstances a youth can get married while he is still studying, which is not normally the case. This is because there are a lot of problems in the society. The society is ill with diseases like extravagance and the like. If there is no extravagance, no reckless spending, but a middle path of modest spending is adopted, the youth can pursue a university education and even get married

2. Miserliness

People should not be miserly in their expenses. Islam looks down upon miserly persons with contempt. Allah says in the Holy Quran:

    وَ لَا يحَْسَبنَ‏َّ الَّذِينَ يَبْخَلُونَ بِمَا ءَاتَئهُمُ اللَّهُ مِن فَضْلِهِ هُوَ خَيرًْا لَّهُم بَلْ هُوَ شرٌَّ لَّهُمْ سَيُطَوَّقُونَ مَا بخَِلُواْ بِهِ يَوْمَ الْقِيَمَةِ وَ لِلَّهِ مِيرَثُ السَّمَوَتِ وَ الْأَرْضِ وَ اللَّهُ بمَِا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِير

Let not those who act niggardly with any of His bounty God has given them consider it better for them; rather it will be worse for them: they will be charged on Resurrection Day with anything they were so niggardly about. Allah holds the inheritance of Heaven and Earth, and Allah knows what you do. (Sura Ali Imran, 3: 178)

Those who have been bestowed by Allah with some wealth should not be miserly in spending it. They should not remain under the impression that their miserliness will do them any good. On the contrary, they will regret this attitude because on the Day of Judgment, this wealth will be turned into a noose that will be fastened round their necks. Whatever wealth exists in the universe belongs to Allah and He is aware of what men do in this world! The Holy Quran tells us that those who do not spend their wealth on their family and children, and do not keep them in comfort are not doing something good. On the contrary they are doing something bad. It then informs us that the wealth, the miser saves through his stinginess will be put around his neck in the form of a noose on the Day of Judgment. He will be brought to the grounds of Judgment wearing this noose and will have to stand there ashamed, with this noose around his neck. If, besides this verse of the Holy Quran there is no tradition condemning stinginess, even then this verse is deterrent enough. A person should, besides his family, help those in need in the society. Do we want Allah (s.w.t.) to convert our wealth, property, and belongings into a noose on the Day of Judgment and put it around our necks, while we are humiliated? Dear brothers, miserliness is a bad deed. But, on the other hand luxury and extravagance is also wrong. The Quran says that a society riddled with unwise spending and luxury is on its way to destruction and evil.

It is mentioned in the book Meraj al Sa‘adat that once there was a miserly person. He used to tell his children to touch the bread with the bottle of the clarified butter from the outside and eat it. One day he traveled out of town and had locked the bottle of the clarified butter in a closet. The children were about to eat their bread by touching it to the door of the closet when the father arrived. He picked up a stick and hit them saying, “Can’t you live without eating the clarified butter even for a day?!” A miserly person is never at ease. He doesn’t even get peaceful sleep at night.

The Holy Quran says:

    وَ إِذَا أَرَدْنَا أَن نهُّْلِكَ قَرْيَةً أَمَرْنَا مُترَْفِيهَا فَفَسَقُواْ فِيهَا فَحَقَّ عَلَيهَْا الْقَوْلُ فَدَمَّرْنَهَا تَدْمِيرًا

And when We would destroy a township We send commandment to its folk who live at ease, and afterward they commit abomination therein, and so the word (of doom) hath effect for it, and We annihilate it with complete annihilation. (Sura al-’Isra’, 17: 16)

For example there are storms and earthquakes that destroy huge populations and towns. But the evil of luxurious living that our society is afflicted with today is more dangerous than these storms and earthquakes. Reckless spending, according to the Quran, is harbinger of a sad and bad end!

    وَ أَصحَْبُ الشِّمَالِ مَا أَصحَْبُ الشِّمَال‏

    فىِ سمَُومٍ وَ حَمِيم‏

     وَ ظِلٍ‏ّ مِّن يحَْمُوم‏

    لَّا بَارِدٍ وَ لَا كَرِيم‏

    إِنهَُّمْ كاَنُواْ قَبْلَ ذَلِكَ مُترَْفِين‏

    وَ كاَنُواْ يُصِرُّونَ عَلىَ الحِْنثِ الْعَظِيم

And those on the left hand: What of those on the left hand?

In scorching wind and scalding water

And shadow of black smoke

Neither cool nor refreshing.

Lo! Heretofore they were effete with luxury

And used to persist in the awful sin. (Sura al Waqiyah, 56: 41 -46)

Amongst the people of the past there are those who carry their book of deeds in their left hands. It is a pity that the people of the left hand will suffer in the fire of Hell! They will be engulfed with boiling waters and dense black smoke of Hell. It will neither be cool for them nor will it be comforting! These are the people who lived in luxury in the world and indulged in immoral acts. The people of the left hand will face a painful torment in Hell. Because of their immoral and luxurious ways, they committed sin after sin. The Holy Quran says that the Prophets (a.s.) of the past had warned such men against their evil ways. About such men the Holy Book says:

    وَ مَا أَرْسَلْنَا فىِ قَرْيَةٍ مِّن نَّذِيرٍ إِلَّا قَالَ مُترَْفُوهَا إِنَّا بِمَا أُرْسِلْتُم بِهِ كَفِرُون

And We sent not unto any township a warner, but its pampered ones declared: Lo! We are disbelievers in that which ye bring unto us. (Sura Saba, 34: 34)

Whenever Allah sent a warner to any people, it was the people who were indulging in luxuries who refuted the commandments communicated to them. If there was no other verse condemning extravagance, this verse of the Holy Quran should be sufficient for people to abstain from their wasteful ways.

A question then arises as to what constitutes the life of moderation and equanimity? Such an ideal life is one in which one has enough to eat, he should have a modest abode and dress to wear. Such a life is really comfortable. It is narrated that the Prophet (s) was once traveling with his companions. He came across a shepherd during the journey and asked for some milk. The shepherd refused to give any milk. The Prophet (s) said, “May Allah bless you so much that you are not able to account for your possessions!” When the entourage proceeded further, they came across another shepherd with his flock. This person, when asked for some milk, offered all the stock that he had with him. The Prophet said, “May Allah give you sufficient sustenance that you don’t have to depend on others for their help!” In surprise the companions asked the Prophet (s), “O Prophet of Allah! Your prayer for the person who refused to part with his milk appeared better than the prayer you offered for this generous shepherd!” The Prophet (s) replied, “No! In plenty there is nothing more than trouble and headache! A life in which a person is contented with his modest earnings is better than a life of luxury. Such people will never have any psychological ailments.” Amir al Mu’minin (a.s.) has said that life should be one of contentment and not of opulence. Opulence takes people towards unhappiness and oppression.

3. Summary Of Discussion

The summary of our talk is that we have to revolutionize our lives, we have to bring about a change in our lives. We need to take stock of our ethics. The first step in this direction is to bring about changes in our system of marriage so that gradually we can shake off these evil practices from our society. Our lives should be constructive and definitely not one of luxury that brings about ruin. When does a Muslim lead a truly happy life? It is when he has a house of his own, then buys one for another. When he leads a middle class existence, he helps others to lead a middle class existence too. Dear brothers! As we are in need of material things, so do we need spiritual contentment! We should strive to fulfill our material needs and live happily. But more important than this is our spiritual needs Spiritual needs are not satisfied by having good food, good housing or a good spouse. Our spiritual needs are satisfied by helping the oppressed and helping the needy. Every individual must give a helping hand in the marriage of at least one couple in a year. There is the august example of Lady Fatima Zahra (a.s.) before us - that she preferred to wear a used garment with patches and gave away the new one to the needy! Amir al Mu’minin (a.s.) used to continue wearing old dresses and gave away the new apparel to others. Fatima Zahra (a.s.), despite being the owner of the Garden of Fadak, preferred wearing clothes made out of rough yarn.

It is famous that a trader visited Ayatullah Sadr (r.a.) with his spouse. The trader went to the chambers of the Ayatullah and the wife went to the ladies’ quarters and knocked at the door. The Ayatullah’s wife came to the door and opened it. Seeing her in very ordinary clothes, the trader’s wife thought she must be one of the servants in the house. She said, “Where is the lady of the house? I wish to meet her.” The Ayatullah’s wife felt shy to tell that she was the lady of the house. She said that she was not at home. The trader’s wife went away. At this moment the Ayatullah came to the ladies’ quarters and found that his wife was rather upset. When he asked her to tell the reason for her bad mood she recounted to him what had transpired with the trader’s wife. The Ayatullah told her, “Yes, when you say you are not a lady, you are really not one! The real lady was one who wore a shawl of two patched pieces of cloth and dedicated the produce of the Garden of Fadak for the poor and needy! Similarly, a master is not the person who spends his life in false luxury but one who helps the persons in need and clears the debts of others! A true lady is not one who drapes herself in expensive shawls. A true lady is one who has four or five shawls out of which she keeps one for her own use and gives away the rest to needy women who have none to cover their heads!"

For the sake of Allah’s pleasure, for the sake of our children, for the sake of a better hereafter, for the sake of Islam, for the sake of Imam Zamana, ponder over these points a little. Do not say that the points are good, but what can I do?

O Allah! Give us better sense and a right spirit for the sake of the sacrifice of Bab al Hawaij Hadhrat Abbas (a.s.) who didn’t quench his thirst on the bank of the river remembering the thirst of the little children of Imam Husayn (a.s)! O Allah! Give us the spirit of sacrifice in our lives! (Ameen)