Alhassanain(p) Network for Heritage and Islamic Thought

Youth and Spouse Selection

This book suggests to the youth, solutions to only one of the burning problems of the day, marriage, from an Islamic perspective and viewpoint. The learned author, Mr. Ali Akbar Mazaheri, has put in a great deal of hard and sincere endeavour to illustrate Islamic solutions to this aspect of human life, particularly, the innocent youth of today, who are being misguided, confused and perverted by the immoral techno-propaganda of the imperialists, who have their own axe to grind to achieve their selfish and nasty objectives all around the globe. We hope that this useful book will be a guide for the perturbed youth and an answer to a part of their quest.

Author(s): Ali Akbar Mazaheri

Translator(s): Javed Iqbal Qazilbash

Publisher(s): Ansariyan Publications - Qum

Table of Contents

Preface by the Translator8

Foreword by His Eminence Professor Ja’far Subhani10

Note11

Introduction by ‘Ali Akbar Mazaheri12

Reminding of A Few Points14

Notes15

Chapter One: Excellence of Marriage16

Man and Woman: Enhancements of Each Other16

Spouse: A Big Blessing From Allah 16

Marriage Philosophy 16

“Spouse”: The Sign of Allah’s Wisdom and Source of Man’s Comfort17

Marriage: The Improver of the Value of Man’s Practices18

The Loveliest Centre to Allah 18

The Medal of Honour18

Reminder19

Notes19

Chapter Two: When Must We Marry? 20

The Puberty Age20

Marriage: a medium of reaching Allah 23

The time of sexual and mental maturity 24

The View of an Expert24

Discussion with a Friend in this Connection 26

It Is Wrong To Dash into a Rock 27

Notes29

Chapter Three: The Merits of Timely a Marriage and Demerits of its Delay30

1- Securing and Strengthening True Faith and Spiritualism 30

A Sad Specimen 30

An Auspicious and Blessed Specimen 31

2- Benefiting and Enjoying a Sweet and Cheerful Youth 31

A Sorrowful Specimen 32

3- Remaining Pure From Corruption and Sexual Deviations33

4- Safety from Nervous and Spiritual Diseases35

Attention 35

Note35

Chapter Four: Difficulties and Hurdles of Marriage36

First Difficulty: Economic and Monetary Difficulty 36

1. Allah's Supports37

The Good News Given By The Leaders of Islam 37

A Beautiful Example38

2. New Horizons38

3. Job Facilities and Allowances39

4. Attaining Status and More Reverence39

5. Special Marriage Loans39

6. Decreasing the Ceremonies and Additional Expenses40

A Beautiful Specimen of Simple Living 42

Second Difficulty: Continuation of Education 42

The Real Problem 43

Contemplating This Difficulty 43

Solutions to This Problem 44

2- The Religious and Lawful Engagement44

3- Parents Help To the Son and the Daughter45

4- Birth Control45

5-Contentment45

6- Cooperation 46

A Word with Parents in this Regard 46

Third Difficulty: Difficulty in Spouse Selection 46

The Solution 47

Fourth Difficulty: Hurdles and Hindrances of the Elders and Friends47

A Gloomy and Sad Example for Your Attention 48

A Curious and Strange Example48

An Agonistic Letter50

Answer50

Solutions50

1. Direct Negotiations With The Hurdle-Creators And Fault -Finders50

2- Appointing A Mediator51

A Specimen for Your Attention 51

Look at another Example51

Another Interesting Example52

Reminder55

Fifth Difficulty: Military Service55

Solutions: Long Term Solution 56

Short Term Solution 56

1- Religious and Legal Engagement56

2- Staying in the House of One's In-laws56

3- Parents Help 56

Sixth Difficulty: Presence of Older Brothers and Sisters56

Solution to This Problem 57

Seventh Difficulty: Dwelling 57

Solution 57

Long Term 57

Short Term Solutions57

1- Temporarily Staying At the Parents' Home57

2- Renting a House57

Attention 57

Eight Difficulty: Inability of the Youth to Manage and Run Their Life57

Ninth Difficulty: Natural Difficulties57

Answer58

The Philosophy of These Difficulties and Hardships58

Note60

A Word With The Elders60

“The person who provides a wife for a bachelor, Allah will look at him on the justice day61

A Social Disease61

Notes62

Chapter Five: Criteria of Spouse Selection 63

Subtlety in Selection, Smoothness In Marriage64

Criteria of Spouse Selection 64

Question And Observation 65

Answer66

The Fruit of Religiousness66

(c) Nobility 66

Answer67

Status of Morality in Spouse Selection 67

Specimens of Decent and Indecent Behaviour68

1- Using Decent and Indecent Language68

2- Magnanimity and Jealousy 68

3- Sweet-Naturedness and ill-naturedness68

4- Accepting The Truth And Stubbornness68

5- Wise Humility And Stupid Pride And Arrogance68

6- Truthfulness And Lying 69

7- Grace And Deliberateness And Ungraciousness And Debauchery 69

8- Forbearance And Impatience And Incapaciousness69

9- Favourable Opinion And Mistrust69

10- Being Warm And Affectionate And Being Apathetic69

11- Forgiveness And Hostility 69

12- Respect And Disrespect69

13- Boldness And Fear69

14- Politeness And Rough Attitude69

15- Faithfulness And Disloyalty 69

16- Generosity And Parsimony 69

17- Contentment And Greed 69

Answer To A Question 69

Question and Answer70

Another Question 71

Answer71

An Unpleasant Specimen 72

A More Unpleasant Specimen 72

Fifth: Physical and Mental Health 73

Consider This Miserable Specimen 73

Question and Answer74

Sixth: Beauty 74

Note75

Seventh: Knowledge and Education 76

Attention 77

A Lesson-Giving Example77

Salient Points of Incoordination of Ismail and Safoora78

5- A moral difference78

Refuting a Doubt79

Conditions of Compatibility 79

1-Religious Compatibility 79

Question and Answer80

2- Cultural and Mental Compatibility 80

3- Moral Compatibility 81

Attend To This Specimen 81

4- Educational Compatibility 81

5- Physical Compatibility 82

Attention 83

6- Equality of Beauty 83

7- Equality in Age84

8- Economical Equality 84

9- Family Equality 84

10- Political Consistency 84

11- Social Consistency 84

A Considerable Specimen 85

12- Psychological Consistency 86

1. Unpredictable Variations87

Predictable Changes87

Discussing the Future Aims and Probable Changes Before Marriage88

Question and Answer88

Answer88

Question and Answer90

Answer90

Avoiding Negligence92

Love, The Pivot of Life92

Kinds of Love95

1- Loves of Lust and Passion 95

2- Lofty Love:95

Question And Answer96

Lasting Love96

A Magnanimous and Beautiful Specimen 96

Mutual Love98

A Net of Deception 98

Second Tragic Letter99

Important Question and Answer99

An Artificial Life is Unendurable101

Notes101

Chapter Six: Selection 102

Time to Act102

Selection 102

Perfect Recognition 102

Ways Of Spouse Selection 103

First Way: Seeking Advice103

A Sage Guide103

The Qualities of an Adviser103

1- Religiousness103

2- Wits And Intelligence103

5- Having Goodwill104

6- Trustworthy 104

An Important Reminder104

Second Way: Mediator and Introducer104

Kinds of Mediators104

1- An Aware Well-Wisher104

2- An Unaware Well-Wisher105

A Sad specimen 105

An Important Warning to The Youth 106

Third Way: Investigation 106

Acceptance or Rejection Needs Logic106

The ways of investigation and how to cross them 107

1- Consideration of the Conditions and Qualities of the Relatives of the Person107

2-Investigating Through His Relatives107

Attention 107

A Safe And Sure Way 108

3- Through His/Her Close Friends108

4-Through Teachers, Administrators and Managers108

5- Investigation Through His/Her Enemies108

Fourth Way: Sending A Messenger108

The Peculiarities of a Messenger108

1- Mindful and clever108

2- Well-wishing 108

3- Trustworthy 108

4- Possessing correct standards and experience109

Attention 109

Fifth Way: Writing a Letter109

Attention 109

Sixth Way: Photograph 109

Seventh Way: Direct Talk 110

The Method of This Meeting 110

1- Describing the Course of Future Life110

2- Discussing the Future Aims110

Attention 111

Do Not Accept Any Undue Conditions And Demands111

Eighth Way: Seeing Each Other112

Considering This Topic In The Light of Traditions113

Caution 113

Protecting The Girl's Dignity 113

Kinds of Omen 114

The Correct Use of Omen 115

A Sorrowful Specimen of Misunderstanding the Omen 115

Another Specimen 116

Crossing the Slippery Road! Complete Caution at Every Step 117

Self -Sacrificial Marriage118

Definition Of This Form Of Marriages118

The Worth And Excellence Of This Kind Of Marriage119

Self-Sacrificial Marriage Is Not A General Prescription 119

Result120

Remorse Before Marriage120

The Cause Of This Remorse121

Answer121

A Considerable And Lesson -Taking Specimen 123

Family Marriages126

Children's Engagement127

Notes127

Chapter Seven: Engagement Period 129

The Need of an Engagement Period 129

The Benefits of the Engagement Period and the Duties of the Girl and the Boy During It130

1- The Enhancement of Mutual Recognition and Understanding 130

2- Improvement and Training 130

3-Enhancement of Love130

4- Development of Hope Regarding One's Future Life131

5- Laying the Foundation Of Independence In Future Life131

6- Valuing Each Other's Sentiments and Feelings131

7- Gift Presenting 132

8- Writing Love Letters132

9- Sincere Visits132

10- Short Journeys132

11- Participating in Spiritual Aggregations133

12- Gaining Knowledge and Arts Regarding Organising One's life, caring for a spouse and the study of books in this respect133

A Worthy Essay in This Connection 135

The Value of the Engagement Period 136

Reflection of the difficulty of sexual deprivations136

The Length of the Engagement Period 137

The Mishaps And Catastrophes During The Engagement Period 137

1- The Heart's Excuses138

Attention 140

A Noteworthy Specimen 140

Attention 142

2- Undue Expectation 142

Attention: One Must Certainly Have A Celebration 142

3- Interference And Temptations Of The Ignorant And The Self-Interested 143

4- Not Observing The Parents' Conditions143

5- Excessive visits144

Refreshing The Unpleasant Memories Of The Past144

7- Talk About Former Lovers145

8- Undue Ardour Of The Girl's Parents145

Notes146

Leave the Real Marriage for the Marriage Night147

Preface by the Translator

The contemporary world is a complicated one full of all sorts of problems. All over the globe, both in the developed and developing countries, different segments of the people face multi-dimensional problems: social, economical, ethical and spiritual. In pure statistical terms, it is particularly the youth strata, in societies everywhere that is most adversely affected. They compose of the frustrated, badly hit strata of the world's masses, both in the East and the West.

If the East has its typical socio-economic problems, the West too is negatively affected by it's own mechanized and industrialized form and metaphysical values.

Briefly, both the societies of West and East yearn and moan under the pressures of problems, either material or spiritual in the East, socialism collapsed under the terrific pressures of social problems cropping up from its incapable system. Right now, western capitalism too is showing cracks in its apparently magnificent frame.

At such a critical juncture, the youth of this world stands bewildered, perplexed and horrified, observing the cracking of this system. The only question boiling in their inquisitive minds is where the remedy and cure lie.

And which system answers the burning problems of this age? The youth, this pitiable creature, has been handed deteriorating and disintegrating modes and system of life. Western philosophers, thinkers and scientists like Freud, Russell, Nietzsche, Darwin and scores of others gave their people all the possible pseudo-liberties under the label of individual freedom; i.e., the so called liberty of speech, expression, action, accumulating unlimited and gigantic sources in kind, cash and material and, last but not least, the values engulfing sexual freedom.

Now, these unlimited and unbounded liberties have backfired and have created a big impact upon the natural values and systems of life, even though not religious ones. Humanity has started suffering immensely at the hands of criminals committing serious crimes. A wave of lawlessness, immorality and brutality has swept all over the globe.

Thus the young mind is in search of truth.

And the big question raising its head and haunting the youth's innocent mind is “Where is the truth?” This is very question makes them go round the world in various forms and shapes, even sometimes as hippies, to search and investigate.

But a sudden explosion of Islamic revolution emanated the right answer to their question saving them the toil and labours they were going through.

Islam has beyond any doubt, established that the solution is here. This explosion has enlightened the universe with the light of truthful values, in the pitch dark of this worthless mechanized life.

Dear reader! This book suggests to the youth, solutions to only one of the burning problems of the day from an Islamic perspective and viewpoint.

The subject forms the crust of the youths' problems, and is obviously the most vitally important multi-dimensional problem from biological, social, and ethical points of view.

It deals with the solution of their socio-economic problems regarding the execution of marriage; the most interesting topic for the youth. They have been convinced in it to marry a suitable spouse, at a proper, genuine and exact time. At least they can soothe their nerves in the proper company during these turbulent days, when the world is burning in the flames of wars, famines, diseases and social injustice.

Proper marriage can be a cure to many diseases haunting the youth being a completing and maturity-creating factor.

Islam has provided the answer to all questions pertaining to human life; and so it has to this one.

The learned author, Mr. Ali Akbar Mazaheri, has put in a great deal of hard and sincere endeavour to illustrate Islamic solutions to this aspect of human life, particularly, the innocent youth of today, who are being misguided, confused and perverted by the immoral techno-propaganda of the imperialists, who have their own axe to grind to achieve their selfish and nasty objectives all around the globe.

We hope that this useful book will be a guide for the perturbed youth and an answer to a part of their quest.

Javed Iqbal Qazilbash

Seminary of Qum

Foreword by His Eminence Professor Ja’far Subhani

Daughter and sons are considered to be the fruits of the garden of human life, who do not have any alternative way of continuing their lives except in joint endeavour, planning and a shared life, since life in the shape of celibacy is a bitter and badly concluding one, striking the buds of life in the half way, throws them away.

The hand of the Creator has bestowed a kind of attraction and pull between these two forms of fruits, so that each one demands and desires the other's company after having reached a certain age.

Their anxiety, distress and boiling sentiments are comforted and soothed through marriage. The Qur’anic verse says:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And one of His signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.”(30:21)

This saying described the secret of creation as clear evidence on this point.

The co-working and co-existence of two people can only be fruitful, beneficial and persistent when their spirits, instincts, and way of thinking are in ne direction. Otherwise, the rope or unity and communion becomes weak and soft and finally breaks, shattering the framework of co-existence.

In our lives, we observe the emergence of bitter and painful situations, which not only torment and agonize the husband and wife, but also their families. As such, after a short span of time, the palace of life is dismantled and the sweet tree of marital relations bears bitter fruit when the couple approaches the court and is separated. Perhaps they may be able to choose a suitable partner for themselves again but too many times, the wronged and oppressed children are forgotten when the parents walk away.

One factor is most effective in elaborating and explaining the reason for this situation, (of course, it cannot be said that this factor is the only one), but this factor is to start out with wrong calculations and estimations, (those very wrong, weighted and unconsidered ideas from the foundation of life), instead of a correct and exact study and estimation is the selection of a life partner. If correct principles were observed in the process of spouse selection, the major portion of separation, divorces and partings would not have dried up and withered from the tree of life.

In this book, which is now being presented to the respected reader, this very factor has been pointed out when it teaches the correct way to select a spouse.

I studied a part of this book and found it very useful and beneficial for the young generation, particularly now that the book contains a series of experience providing narratives, which can make the theories and inferences definite and positive.

Having congratulated the honourable writer and distinguished scholar about this precious and valuable book, I request the respectable publisher chalk out a plan regarding the publishing and distribution of the book, so that it reaches the hands of our youth, thereby taking a big and important step to solving our problems and as a consequence, reducing the number of divorces. The saying of the prophet (S) is:

ما بني بناء في الإسلام أحب إلي الله من التزويج .

“No palace in Islam more beloved to Allah has ever been built than the palace of marriage,”1

This saying may become more materialised and shaped into practice.

With compliments

Institution of Imam As-Sadiq (a.s)

Ayatollah Ja’far Subhani

1995, 1st of Moharram, 1415, Hijrah

Note

1. Wasail, vol 14, p3.