[SECTION 05]
(1) Voltaire said, "If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
(2) I concur.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Nietzsche said, "The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist."
(2) Not true. God's got PLENTY of excuses.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) We are God's unwanted children.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) If you can show _______, then that would be evidence against God's existence.
(2) If you can't fill in that blank with some criteria, then the statement that there is a God seems to be without content, since no matter what the evidence was, you would still believe in a God.
(3) That's right.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) That which is complex has a creator.
(2) The universe is complex.
(3) Only God is complex enough to create the universe.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Russia was atheistic.
(2) But Russia collapsed.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) 2+2=4
(2) Think about how improbable that is.
(3) If the universe were left to random chance, 2+24 would probably not equal 4.
(4) Instead, it might be equal to -43, or 7,894,321,695,844, or something else.
(5) Only God could make 2+2=4.
(6) Therefore, God exists.
(1) My proof is so big it doesn't fit into the margins.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Democritus, and the writers of creation myths, and correct intuitions that there are atoms, and the world had not existed forever, respectively.
(2) Therefore, intuition in general is reliable.
(3) My intuition tells me that God exists.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Well . .
(2) Um . .
(3) You see . .
(4) Um . .
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I don't have an argument for God.
(2) My lack of an argument makes me morally superior to you atheists.
(3) This indicates a baseline standard of morality that must have been derived from God.
(4) MY GOD!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *coughcough* Ouchies . .
(5) [see next argument for further details]
(6) Therefore, God exists.
(1) No, I WASN'T arguing!
(2) WAS NOT!
(3) What do you mean, I'm arguing now?
(4) WHAT!?!?!?
(5) [see previous argument for further details]
(6) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Here is a 200 page document, all in one giant paragraph, that proves God's existence.
(2) You didn't refute the third argument on page 167.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The gospels were written X amount of time after the events they describe.
(2) It takes longer than X for mythological content to be added to writings about people.
(3) [Atheist points out examples of myths popping up about events after periods much shorter than X, even "living legends" who had myths circulate them during their own lifetime.]
(4) Oh, those are just exceptions to the rule!
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) All atheists are commies.
(2) You're not a commie, are you?
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I have a penis.
(2) I can pee and ejaculate with it.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) You're too young.
(2) You haven't yet experienced life's absurdity.
(3) You'll grow up.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Life is full of important questions.
(2) I need God to answer them.
(3) No, I'm NOT jumping on the first bogus answer people have been feeding me with!
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I like chocolate ice cream.
(2) I opened my freezer, and behold, there was chocolate ice cream in it.
(3) God is so nice with all his little attentions!
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) You don't want to be an evolutionist, do you?
(2) [Atheist explains that evolution is a scientific theory, not a religion]
(3) But you believe in it.
(4) That means you support Social Darwinism.
(5) And that's just yucky.
(6) I don't want to be yucky, so I can't support evolution.
(7) But I need some explanation for the origin of life.
(8) [Atheist: Evolution has nothing to do with—]
(9) Therefore, God exists.
(1) First of all, I'd like to thank my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
(2) [shout out to all my homies in the balcony]
(3) I couldn't have done this without Jesus.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Here is an irrelevant quote by Stephen Jay Gould that proves that evolution is wrong.
(2) [Atheist: Uhhh, that quote is a bit out of context. Actually, if you read the whole page from which the quote is taken, you'll see that—]
(3) Since evolution is wrong, creationism is true.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Hello, we would like to talk about God —
(2) GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY!!!
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Richard Dawkins ridicules religion in some of his books.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) If you talk about something, that means it actually exists.
(2) God.
(3) Odin.
(4) Nah-uh.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I found a sword in a field.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I'm writing my paper at the last minute.
(2) I know I should have done it two weeks ago, when I first knew about the paper, but I was busy.
(3) I pray that God will help me get it done by morning.
(4) Yay! It's done!
(5) Who cares that it's not nearly as good as it could have been if I'd spent several days on it?
(6) Thank you, Lord!
(7) Therefore, God exists.
(1) This author is stupid bitch.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I have experienced God.
(2) Other people have not.
(3) Poor people. There is something wrong with their perception of reality.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) PC Load Letter, what the fuck is that?
(2) Someone must know what it means.
(3) Michael Bolton doesn't know (and he's smart).
(4) God would know.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) This bag was swirling around in the wind.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Thora Birch.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The TGE Project's list has gone on far longer than any reasonable person would expect.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Kevin Bacon is haunting my dorm.
(2) He keeps rattling and scratching at my door at night.
(3) I prayed to Jebus, and Kevin Bacon hasn't broken down my door yet.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I was listening to the radio, and I started thinking about my favorite song.
(2) Then my favorite song started playing on the radio!
(3) God must have heard my thoughts!
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Dude, the Force is totally a metaphor for God!
(2) What do you mean that doesn't prove anything? It's Star Wars!
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) When I was an atheist, I smoked crack, robbed gas stations, raped prostitutes, and stole candy from babies.
(2) When I found Jesus, I stopped doing that stuff.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The AIG website is too complex to have arisen by chance.
(2) Therefore it was intelligently designed.
(3) Therefore, the designers are intelligent, so we can trust what they say.
(4) They say God exists.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The AIG website is too complex to have arisen by chance.
(2) Therefore it was intelligently designed.
(3) Creationists are not intelligent, so it must have been God.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Assume that God exists.
(2) The atheist claims that God doesn't exist.
(3) But since this contradicts the original assumption, the atheist must be wrong.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God is three.
(2) Three's a crowd.
(3) A crowd consists of people.
(4) People exist.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Doh!
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The following takes place between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM on the day of the California Presidential Primary.
(2) [Christian spends an hour "witnessing"]
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Everything on Earth is here for people to use.
(2) Weed makes you feel really good.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) If we weren't meant to eat animals, they wouldn't be made of meat.
(2) Animals are made of meat.
(3) Therefore, God meant us to eat them.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(4a) and he wants me to eat your cow.
(1) The Bible is full of mass murdering, infant slaying, child-killing bastards who claimed to do God's work.
(2) Personally, I would rather die a quick death at the hands of a madman than a slow one. Wouldn't you?
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) If God created us as in Adam and Eve, then there would not be homosexuals.
(2) Therefore, all homosexuals are really straight people just pretending to be gay.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Let's imagine that God doesn't exist.
(2) That's absurd.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I say God exists.
(2) If you don't believe me, I'll punch you in the face.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God doesn't exist.
(2) Or does he . .?
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God exists, asshole.
(2) Therefore, God exists. Asshole.
(1) Ignorance runs rampant.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The makers of Star Trek presented the view that human life was planted by aliens.
(2) They did this because they knew that life emerging from elementary particles was improbable.
(3) But this only delays the answer to the problem of origins.
(4) Easy answer: God did it.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) A doctor I knew didn't believe in God.
(2) He saw children dying of cancer.
(3) They said they saw angels right before they passed away.
(4) He became convinced.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Atheists are immoral wretches who approve perversions such as incest.
(2) Just look at porn.
(3) Don't you watch Howard Stern? All porn stars are atheists!
(4) You bunch of perverts. Repent!
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The other day I was praying about what kind of job I should take.
(2) Then I picked up the paper and read an article that mentioned the name of a popular donut shop. For some reason I felt "led" to go apply there. When I arrived, I felt a bit uneasy, but then I noticed one car parked out front — the 3 letters on the license plate were my exact initials in order. And the store van had the number 333 on it!
(3) They weren't hiring, but therefore, God exists anyway.
(1) What's all this fuss I hear about whether God exits?
(2) Well of course he does!
(3) If I'm going to go somewhere else, I have to exit this room.
(4) And God's been everywhere, so he must have done a lot of exiting.
(5) Therefore, God exits.
(6) [told that debate is whether God exists.]
(7) Oh. That's different. Never mind.
(1) We humans are living beings, and thus biological.
(2) Biology is based on biochemistry.
(3) All biochemistry is chemistry.
(4) Chemistry is based on physics.
(5) Physics is based on mathematics.
(6) Therefore, everything is mathematical, including us.
(7) Polls show that, of all scientists, mathematicians are most likely to believe in God.
(8) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I became a born-again Christian when I was 12.
(2) Since then, my penis has grown about 2 inches.
(3) Hence, belief in God enlarges your penis.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Suppose God didn't exist.
(2) Then he wouldn't have made the universe.
(3) And he wouldn't have spread his word.
(4) And he wouldn't have sent his own son to sacrifice himself for mankind.
(5) But the universe does exist.
(6) And the Bible is spread all over the world.
(7) And Jesus did die.
(8) Therefore, God exists.
(1) There is overwhelming evidence for the existence of God.
(2) No, I'm not going to tell you what it is.
(3) The only possible explanation for your lack of knowledge is that you haven't studied enough.
(4) Or maybe your atheistic presupposition is blinding you to the truth.
(5) But trust me — it's overwhelming.
(6) It's so overwhelming that no reasonable person can honestly reach the conclusion that God does not exist.
(7) Therefore, God exists.
(1) If Osama bin Laden were saved by God, then you would see the effects of God on him.
(2) But he hasn't gotten saved by God.
(3) But just pretend he has.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I'm an engineer.
(2) If I applied the same logic to my engineering work as I do to my rationale for God's existence, then the things I engineer would fall apart.
(3) Somehow, I am still employed as an engineer.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I have met many nuns who seem to be gentle, sweet women living for Christ.
(2) Some of these nuns have dementia.
(3) Others are of sound mind, but must watch and understand what is happening as the minds of those with dementia are slowly destroyed.
(4) Despite these awful things, they have total trust in God and dedication to him.
(5) I sat with one once who said, "I was just thinking about how good God has been to us."
(6) Even the ones who have dementia, etc. remember their prayers.
(7) It cannot possibly be that the nuns with worse characters are kept away from the volunteers.
(8) Nor can it possibly be that nuns with severe dementia who no longer remember their prayers are kept away from the volunteers.
(9) All monks and nuns simply must be as wonderful as those I know.
(10) By contrast, atheists are arrogant people who refuse to shut themselves away uselessly in cloisters singing praise to atheism.
(11) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The IRS fucking sucks.
(2) Mr. Kent Hovind is busy making them chase their tails!
(3) So what if half of America likes to waste their time?
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God exists.
(2) God exists.
(3) God exists.
...
(n) God exists.
(n+1) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God God God God God God God God God God God God Jesus God God God God God God God God God Lord and Savior God God God God God God God God God Hell God God God God God God God God God God God God God Eternal Paradise God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God!
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) They found a boat on a mountain somewhere.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I hear voices in my head.
(2) The voices say they are God.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) (insert religious rant)
(2) Dr. Heckle and Mr. Jeckle.
(3) You see I create words, why can't God create the universe?
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I only believe in the parts of the Bible that I want to believe.
(2) The parts I believe are logical and make sense.
(3) Therefore, the Bible is logical and makes sense.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Chicken Girl.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Silent Dave.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) You're an atheist? But you're so nice!
(2) I just assumed you were a Christian.
(3) The niceness must be the light of God shining in you, whether you know it or not.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Jesus came to bring peace, and there's not a word in the Bible that says otherwise.
(2) [Atheist quotes the "I came not to bring peace but a sword" part]
(3) You sound angry when you say that. Why are you so angry?
(4) You're angry at God, aren't you?
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) People can agree on certain things, right?
(2) For example, we can agree that there is a tree standing right over there.
(3) We don't spend a lot of time arguing about the existence of the tree, because it's so self-evident.
(4) God's existence is similarly self-evident.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God is self-evident.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Every culture thinks murder is bad.
(2) They do so!
(3) And God forbids murder.
(4) And every culture thinks incest is bad, and God forbids incest.
(5) They do so, too!
(6) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Scientists working on evolution are beginning to realize that it's a failed theory.
(2) They are so! They're just too nervous to admit their mistake, because they've led all those souls to Hell.
(3) Why would they be nervous if God didn't exist?
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I like Eminem's music.
(2) He's using it to spread good to the world.
(3) One day, everyone who listens to his music will realize he's singing about stupid things to keep people from doing them.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) There's this wonderful historian!
(2) His academic credentials are NEVER doubted by like-minded Christians!
(3) Now, this historian has proved conclusively, to his own satisfaction and to the satisfaction of like-minded Christians, that the Bible must be totally true.
(4) Therefore, both the Old Testament and the New Testament have been proven true.
(5) I hear the skeptic ask: If this his historically true, why do so many historians doubt the reliability of the Bible?
(6) The answer is, there is a conspiracy among the unfaithful to prevent this proof of Christianity being known.
(7) Naturally, the conspiracy must include powerful people like President Bush, or it could not succeed.
(8) Doubt not, O unbeliever, only have FAITH!
(9) Therefore, God exists.
(1) How can you doubt Christianity now, at this most special and most Holy time of the year?
(2) Today, oh unbeliever, surely you must fall down in adoration when you consider how God sent his only son to redeem all mankind from Hell!
(3) Today, oh unbeliever, surely you must fall down in adoration when you consider how we are all God's children!
(4) Today, oh unbeliever, surely you must remember how many will go to perdition, as it says in the Holy Book of Revelation!
(5) God in his infinite compassion does not want you to go to Hell, which He in His infinite mercy created!
(6) Cease your unbelief, and join in the wonder of Christmas!
(7) Praise the Baby Jesus!
(8) Praise the Baby Jesus!
(9) Praise the Baby Jesus!
(10) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God exists.
(2) Can I prove it? Probably.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) God is what the universe revolves around.
(2) The universe revolves around me.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) A cat basking in sunlight smells good.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1)
(2) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I have to write two papers and grade a hundred.
(2) There's no possible way I can get all of this work done!
(3) [16-hour working frenzy]
(4) I got it all done! God must have helped me!
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) O Lord, bless this Lunchable, and let it not be all moldy like the last one.
(2) [gingerly peeks]
(3) It's not moldy! Praise the Lord!
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Nothing comes from nothing.
(2) God is not nothing.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) I don't think.
(2) Therefore, God is.
(1) The Bible says, "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."
(2) So we killed them.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) He built it.
(2) They came.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) George Michael says you got to have a' faith, a' faith, a' faith.
(1) I have faith.
(1) Therefore, God exists.
(1) The human body is too complex to have happened by chance.
(2) So it must have been designed.
(3) [Atheist: Well, wouldn't God be even more complex? So does he have a designer?]
(4) See previous argument.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Do you believe in life after love?
(2) I can feel something inside me.
(3) That something must be God.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) When I go to church, people dance, sing, and clap.
(2) It's fun. I like dancing, singing and clapping.
(3) Also, the youth group gets ice cream and cookies from the collection money!
(4) I like ice cream and cookies.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) My husband slowly died of cancer.
(2) But the light switch in the cellar somehow started working properly again, and to my knowledge my husband hadn't fixed it before he died.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(1) We feel certain things to be right or wrong.
(2) The reason we feel wrong about certain things is because of our intuition, a.k.a. our conscience.
(3) I'll just ignore the resemblance of intuition with our thoughts, emotions, and animal instinct, or our childhood indoctrination by our culture.
(4) Intuition and conscience are so special! They must be given by God!
(5) Therefore, God exists.
(1) Look at this board. People are so cynical, sarcastic, abusive, hateful, etc.
(2) On the other hand, Christian boards are always gentle, nice, supportive, considerate, etc.
(3) I'll just ignore all the censorship rules in Christian boards, and also my own attitude.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
(1) What is the root of all knowledge?
(2) A six-year-old can answer this, while you smart-ass atheists can't.
(3) No, it's not Sesame Street.
(4) It's the phrase "I don't know."
(5) Therefore, God exists.